Begin Again

So the whole world knows that starting in March of 2016 I started losing weight.  I lost 90 pounds.  In August of last year, because Wes' wheelchair was too heavy for me to lift, I started going to the gym and lifting weights.  Within three weeks of starting my workouts (I did make rapid enough strength gains that I could tell a difference and was grateful for it) I was lifting Wes instead of his wheelchair, as his rapid decline had started, and he needed my help. 

Lifting weights has been a sources of satisfaction, stress relief, endorphins and strength through this past year.  I love doing it, and it's great to be fit. 

But since starting my workouts, I got hungrier and I stopped counting calories quite as strictly, relying on the good habits I had learned to carry me....

...hmmm, not so wise perhaps.  Over the past ten months, I've regained 16 pounds of the 90 I lost. 

I am so much stronger.  I have I know that some of that regain is muscle weight...and I a…


I bought a kayak and I named her Rhy (pron. Rhee).  She's for going out on the Kentucky River and maybe I'll haul her out to a local lake or two at some point as well.  Don't worry, the Kentucky River is tame when the weather conditions are appropriate for is divided by dams and locks into what the fish and wildlife management system calls "pools".  We were in pool number seven.  The current is very manageable.  If it weren't, I would not go out.

This is pure joy for me.  I never knew until my goddaughter invited me along and let me borrow her boat one day.  I was hooked.

Yesterday we went down to the Kentucky River at Highbridge and set into the water, paddling upstream and into the Dix river.  It was gorgeous.  There was mist on the Dix, and the water was colder and clearer than the Kentucky river.  The current wasn't bad, but it was a bit of a workout.  Eventually we paddled far enough that we found a water fall and were able to pull our …

Snapshots: So Happy

I went up to the Hermitage of the Holy Cross Monastery today with a small group of ladies from my church.  It was a nice little day trip, there and back again.  While we were there, I got to make confession and have a conversation with a priest monk there, and that was good.   The group I was with spent some time helping to wrap about five hunded bars of soap with their labels, so that the soap shop would be ready for a festival this weekend where they can sell their wares.  While I was there I also spent some time very quiet out of doors looking at the wild flowers, bees and rocks. 

The mountains are gorgeous and the monastery grounds are well kept.  A bright blue sky was the lid, and the monastery is tucked into a bowl of tree clad mountains.  Everything seems filled with heavenly grace.   There were black eyed susans, daisies, various kinds of clover and other whildflowers growing in profusion. 

Just like the last time I visited a monastery, it seemed like heaven was so much closer…

Snapshots: Death

I'm finally starting to feel ready to write about Wes.  I'm calling these posts snapshots, because I will probably be recording memories of our last days, months, moments together...and I will write them as they come to me to write about them, and not in the chonological order which they occured. 

Wes died on Monday night, October 9th, but it was rather close to midnight.  The exact time he stopped breathing was 11:17 pm.  But his death certificate and tombstone say October 10th because it was after midnight when the Hospice nurse arrived and certified his death.  That's kind of weird. 

As soon as I found out he had terminal brain cancer (the day before Thanksgiving of 2013) I got online and researched what the end was going to be like.  And I have to say:  Wes' death was textbook Glioblastoma brain cancer. 

The night he'd died, he'd been in and out of a coma sleep for almost a week.  His last food was on Tuesday morning.  He ate about nine small bites of spoon…

A Happy Memory

Precisely one week before Wes died, on his lasts fully awake day (he was bed bound by this point), Wes kept reapeating over and over again, with a blissful look on his face:  "I'm happy."  "I'm so happy."  "I'm really really happy."  "I'm so happy."

His words were hard to come by at this point in his life, and often came out haltingly because his tumor was in the speech center.  But he was saying this over and over with great determination and meaning.

After a while, it occurred to me that something more than a good mood might be going on.

"Wes, are you seeing saints and angels?"

Wes happened to be chewing a bit of food when I asked the question.  He didn't answer me with words, but his face broke out into the most affirmative, delighted and mischievious grin.  He never did answer me with words after he finished his bite.  I don't think he was allowed to tell me, and I didn't press the point.  But he told me…

A New Abnormal

I am so betwixt and between and I feel rather lost.  I suppose that this is normal just a few months after one's husband dies.

On the one hand, it seems that I am getting up and doing things each day...the things that present theselves as needing done, or things on my VERY long list of big stuff that need to get done.  And so I am functional.

On the other hand, the three of us (myself, B and E who moved back home when he dropped out of school) hardly know how to be a family.  It's like we are drifting without our anchor.  Each of us spends an inordinate amount of time in our own room, and since each of us has special food needs, we've been mostly fixing our own individual meals and fending for ourselves.  This place is like a ghost town, except for in our own rooms where we live.

We are going to make an effort to eat supper together and spend a wee bit of time together.  Of course I see each one individually whenever I need to take someone someplace, since I'm the driv…

Life Update

The college people are home from school for the semester and my son actually dropped out of school about two weeks before term ended.  He is job hunting now.  I'm not really worried about him.  I trust he will find his way in life, and probably back to school when he has tasted the joys of manual labor...just perhaps not Berea. 

Yesterday when I came in (after supper, in the evening) from a quick Walmart run, there was a small plumbing emergency happening in the kitchen:  the head of the sprayer hose on the kitchen sink had come loose.  Jamming back on was ineffective, since the water pressure kept pushing it off again.  We used lots of towels.  I finally shut off the water to the kitchen sink, and removed the hose.  10:30 pm saw me blearily wandering the hardware section of Walmart (it's right next door to my house...I walked) hunting for a kitchen sink hose/sprayer.  Those don't exist at Walmart, so I will have to go to Lowe's or Home Depot today to get the parts for…