Wednesday, November 08, 2017

Shock

Very often I stand in my icon corner and I just wail at God: "He died!!!" 
Like I am in shock and astonished and dismayed and surprised that after all the anticipatory grief, the thing actually happened. 
The fact that it is so jarring has come as a surprise. 
"He died!!!" I cry. 
"He died!!!" 
It is all so wrong.

Tuesday, November 07, 2017

Widowhood 101: Unclogging the Sink

Tonight the kitchen sink was clogged up with some herbal stuff that a certain someone decided to send down the garbage disposal.  This device is NOT meant to deal with leaves, herbs and twigs...So I tried a snake, and I tried a plunger, to no avail. I had my hand all up in there, picking twigs and leaves out for a very long time... Then I decided to get radical and I took the pipes apart under the sink.  And I removed the gunk.  And then I put them back together.  And then I had to do it a second time because there was more gunk I missed the first time.  So I did.

I did this.  Successfully. 

I didn't call a plumber. 

I didn't have to discuss with anyone what to do. 

I didn't have anyone disagreeing with what I thought should be done. 

I just saw what needed doing and did it, because that is now I am.

I saved a bunch of money. 

It is scary and awful to be alone, but unilateral decisions that turn out well....kinda nice.

Wednesday, November 01, 2017

Sad Sack Report.

I guess a couple of weeks have gone by in my sad sack life and I failed to update my blog.  Everything is quiet and I'm supposed to be resting.  ha.  I was really sick and now I'm just run down and I can't dislodge a certain pile of congestion in my chest. 

What, you ask, have I been up to day to day?  Well, living peacefully with Bethany and making food in smaller quantities of highly nourishing variety.  Today was lentil stew with spinach.  I creamed it so she was able to eat the spinach without any textural challenges and we both liked it.

On Sunday evenings B and I have been driving down to Berea to have supper with the college people.  That's always nice.  I'm trying to let go of that sense of doom I have about whatever it is they are doing or not doing, and only worry about ME and my own repentance and let them carry their own selves, while still being a loving and supportive presence in their lives.  It's hard to know how to be a mother of young adults.  They don't come with a manual at this age, either.

Lots of paperwork when someone dies...so I have been running around doing paperworky stuff.  Today was print off and fill out some forms for life insurance policy that Wes had through his job, and then take it and fax it and then mail a paper copy just in case.  I also made a photocopy for my records because it seemed to me that that would be something Wes would have done and he was very good at the paperworky stuff.

I've signed up for medicaid for me and the kids.  I've had long conversations with them trying to be supportive and encourage them in their depression and grief, to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I've prayed a lot.  I've been to church.  I've gotten groceries.  I've sewn a dress for myself just for fun,  and started knitting a boring hat that no one needs.

Often, I run out of energy mid-way through the afternoon, and I have to go home and lie down.  I've had some nights where I hardly slept, but the past two night have been good sleep.  I have had some really bad dreams processing the cancer and Wes' death...trauma stuff.  Next week I start seeing a hospice grief counselor...so that's good.  I need that.

So, yeah...I'm a bit of a sad sack.  Wiser heads than mine have commanded me to wait until January before I "do anything". Ok...January. 

I have no idea what I'm doing.  But tomorrow already has a small to do list waiting, of necessary tasks that must be done and I'm sure that by the time I do those things and deal with food and any errands B might need, the day will mostly be done, and the energy will certainly be used up. 

And so one more day goes by... I cry a lot. 

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Widowhood: Week 1

Today B and I went for a hike in Berea, after I'd dropped off a bag of forgotten-at-home items with one of my college kids.  The mountain we climbed was the same one Wes and I hiked about a year ago, and I could not help but think of him often.  I can't remember if our hike was before or after his brain surgery last September 28.  At any rate it was a very difficult climb for him that day and we had to stop and rest frequently.

Today I was very pleased with my own fitness improvements since last year, which made getting up to the top very easy indeed.

Yesterday I screwed up my courage to visit Wes' grave.  It was there, a mound of dirt.  The funeral flowers were in better shape than I had expected them to be, probably thanks to the rain we got the other day.

My days feel...calm.  The fear that went along with the anticipatory grief has lifted, since the thing that I was dreading has come to pass and is behind me now.  And for some reason, some of the fears that I had about this future I am now in (which I knew in my head were unrealistic fears) are no longer with me.  I've just been calm and sad.  Oh so sad.  The numbness lifted a bit last night since it was Monday night last week that Wes died, and I had my first REALLY BIG sobbing session.  I told God that crying would have to do for my evening prayers, and I crawled under my weighted blanket and fell asleep eventually.  So, yes, evenings are hard.

I was going to go out to a movie with some friends this evening,  but am staying at home with a head cold instead.  B and I played scrabble on our first evening at home alone after the others went back to college.

I've been managing.  There are tears.  I've been very intentional about long walks in nature, working out at the gym, reading good things, and staying hydrated....and making very very very specific to-do lists each day so that I don't just drift.  Wisdom tells me to rest and recuperate after what I've been through.  Part of me thinks I should pick up seasonal work with the holidays approaching.  I'm not interested in internet advice on that score.  I'll figure it out.

Mostly, I miss Wes.




Monday, October 09, 2017

Asleep in the Lord

My beloved husband, Wesley, fell asleep in the Lord tonight at 11:17 pm.  He had valiantly been fighting grade 4 glioblastoma brain cancer for the past four years. 

I am grateful that I got to be his wife.  I am grateful for our kids.  I am grateful for his faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  I am grateful that he is no longer suffering this terrible illness that he had. 

He never ever complained. 

Glory to God for all things. 

Death has been defeated, for Christ is risen!

Still He Sleeps

Wes is "actively dying".  He has been sleeping almost non stop since last Monday night.  Last food he took was last Tuesday morning, and that only a few bites.  Only sips of water and now only sponges.  I try to give him more but he won't take it. 

Yesterday was his "rally" and he woke up.  We had the kids fetched from their college and hugs all around.  He received communion and many prayers were prayed.

Today he sleeps.

His body is showing definite symptoms of the death process. I won't go into details.  You can google it, and if it is on the list, you can imagine it is happening here. This death thing is ugly and stinky and I hate it.  And I have absolutely no control over how long or short it will take. 

And I have absolutely no idea whether to send the kids back to college for a few days, or whether that would be superfluous and just require turning around to fetch them again. 

I am not good at waiting.  I have NEVER been good at waiting. 

So I pray that God would show me what needs doing.

And I wait.

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

An Update

Wes has been on hospice almost three weeks now.  His decline seems very rapid.  Today he is sleeping and will barely rouse to be fed.  He slept through a bath, unresponsive with no memory of it. 

I asked him earlier if he was seeing angels and saints yet, and he wouldn't say, but got a very smirky sly grin on his face.  All morning long he kept saying over and over how happy he is. 

He is not in pain. 

Glory to God for all things. 
10/3/2017