Sinking

I have burned myself out at the gym doing the same weight lifting routine with very little variation for the past 14 months. I have changed tiny things here and there, but not enough.
I can't focus on much of anything beyond the basics of life.
Church is very hard.  I go.  But it is hard.
I have ideas but no "make it happen" energy.
My eating has gone to pot...sort of.  The WHAT is still OK, but it's been a bit on the "too much" side of things this past year.
And the dark months are upon us.  It's like midnight dark at 5 pm now.
And I think I am depressed. Because, see all of the above.
I feel like I ought to be farther along the path towards...not "not griefy"...but at least a bit more functional, and I'm just not.
And I don't like it.
And I feel uncomfortable with myself and in my own skin.
And change is hard and there have been so many many changes.
And my feet are not under me yet.
And I am still floundering.
I wish I could get rid of  feelings.
I am tired.

Comments

Mat Anna said…
Your path is not anyone else’s, and your grief is not anyone else’s. No one can put their own yardstick up next to you and learn anything. You have had an incredibly hard year full of major changes and challenges, following a very hard couple of years.

On a practical note, I would change up the exercise routines a bit. You already know this.

I was pondering this verse from Psalm 50 during Vespers: “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.“

Much love.
elizabeth said…
It's only been about a year, so it makes total sense that you are still in this suffering. There are seasons in life where we are really just treading water. That you made a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner with food you all could eat + still going to church + the gym, I'd say that is successfully treading water, if not more. I feel that if I can set a pretty table, I have really achieved something; it's the one thing I feel I have left, other than reading some. A lot of my dreams are either never going to happen or have at least to wait until a different season in my life. And you have been in great grief and that really takes time, hard that it does. Sending love....
Laura Michalski said…
I follow your blog because you inspire me, you are devout and you keep it real. (I'm a Catholic convert married to a cradle Catholic and both of us have been struggling a lot the past few years with faith issues). I am praying for you.