Today was hard

Yesterday marked the anniversary date of Wes' cancer diagnosis, and today marked the time as we remember it "the day before Thanksgiving"...as it was five years ago.  It was a hard day today in so many ways. 

But in so many other ways it was a day with joy, too.  It is so funny how I can be incandescently depressed and griefy and at the same time have joy in my life...as if those two opposites simply exist simultaneously on two different wavelengths. 

I went to Divine Liturgy this morning since it is the feast day of the Entrance of the Theotokos into the Temple, and it is a lovely feast.  I ended up singing in the choir because there was no other soprano, and because I love to sing, even though I am super shy about it now because I am not supposed to be emotional or cry at all when I am in choir.  I managed, but it was a close thing for a bit.

It was nice spending time with all my kids home today.  I also went to the dollar store and grabbed a few cheap items to make my table nicer (I hope) tomorrow. 

And I was also depressed as anything pretty much all afternoon long.  We ended up being too tired to cook supper after doing a lot of Thanksgiving pre-cooking today, so I took the kids to a Mexican restaurant for dinner.  Shrimp Fajitas seems festive. It's so nice to spend that time with them. 

And then it was back to Church of the Akathist of Thanksgiving.  It was one of those "grit my teeth and do the right thing" moments.  The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord. 

One's ultimate stance in life is a matter of will, not emotion.  I will carry on.

I had to look up how long to cook my 12.5 pound turkey, and I don't know if I should put it in super early and have lunch right at noon, or if I should put it in after liturgy (if I go) and have a later lunch.  choices, choices.  I don't know. 

Tomorrow is another Liturgy at an impossibly early 8 am.  I don't even know if I have the energy for it, to be honest, but I feel guilty for not wanting to go when I have the opportunity. 

I don't know.  I just don't know.  I mostly want to hide.  And I'm still very depressed.   

Comments

Mat Anna said…
Hugs. You and your children are in my daily prayers and Wes is also there on the list of departed. One third I heard last weekend from Nicole Roccas was, “giving thanks is not the same thing as feeling thankful.” God asks us to give thanks in all things, but that seems impossible. When you realize that this is completely not emotionally dependent it makes more sense. Kind of like “loving your enemies.” It’s not affection God is asking of us.

Love you.
Alana said…
Yep that is exactly what the Lord whispered in my heart this morning. I did make it to Liturgy to today, too. But I didn't sing in choir. I sang from the back corner.
Mat Anna said…
(((Hugs)))
Unknown said…
Two friends passed on at home this year--each with a painful and potentially deadly illness and an adult son. The first wanted to live but chances of recovery were so slim she refused treatment because she didn't want to be a continued burden on her son. The second was financially secure with a chance of full recovery but chose to forego the operation and lengthy rehab to leave her son, always a burden on her, more money. Neither had grandchildren--wish they had. I loved my friends--grieve--but understand and must let them go.