Yesterday marked the anniversary date of Wes' cancer diagnosis, and today marked the time as we remember it "the day before Thanksgiving"...as it was five years ago. It was a hard day today in so many ways.
But in so many other ways it was a day with joy, too. It is so funny how I can be incandescently depressed and griefy and at the same time have joy in my life...as if those two opposites simply exist simultaneously on two different wavelengths.
I went to Divine Liturgy this morning since it is the feast day of the Entrance of the Theotokos into the Temple, and it is a lovely feast. I ended up singing in the choir because there was no other soprano, and because I love to sing, even though I am super shy about it now because I am not supposed to be emotional or cry at all when I am in choir. I managed, but it was a close thing for a bit.
It was nice spending time with all my kids home today. I also went to the dollar store and grabbed a few cheap items to make my table nicer (I hope) tomorrow.
And I was also depressed as anything pretty much all afternoon long. We ended up being too tired to cook supper after doing a lot of Thanksgiving pre-cooking today, so I took the kids to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. Shrimp Fajitas seems festive. It's so nice to spend that time with them.
And then it was back to Church of the Akathist of Thanksgiving. It was one of those "grit my teeth and do the right thing" moments. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
One's ultimate stance in life is a matter of will, not emotion. I will carry on.
I had to look up how long to cook my 12.5 pound turkey, and I don't know if I should put it in super early and have lunch right at noon, or if I should put it in after liturgy (if I go) and have a later lunch. choices, choices. I don't know.
Tomorrow is another Liturgy at an impossibly early 8 am. I don't even know if I have the energy for it, to be honest, but I feel guilty for not wanting to go when I have the opportunity.
I don't know. I just don't know. I mostly want to hide. And I'm still very depressed.
But in so many other ways it was a day with joy, too. It is so funny how I can be incandescently depressed and griefy and at the same time have joy in my life...as if those two opposites simply exist simultaneously on two different wavelengths.
I went to Divine Liturgy this morning since it is the feast day of the Entrance of the Theotokos into the Temple, and it is a lovely feast. I ended up singing in the choir because there was no other soprano, and because I love to sing, even though I am super shy about it now because I am not supposed to be emotional or cry at all when I am in choir. I managed, but it was a close thing for a bit.
It was nice spending time with all my kids home today. I also went to the dollar store and grabbed a few cheap items to make my table nicer (I hope) tomorrow.
And I was also depressed as anything pretty much all afternoon long. We ended up being too tired to cook supper after doing a lot of Thanksgiving pre-cooking today, so I took the kids to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. Shrimp Fajitas seems festive. It's so nice to spend that time with them.
And then it was back to Church of the Akathist of Thanksgiving. It was one of those "grit my teeth and do the right thing" moments. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
One's ultimate stance in life is a matter of will, not emotion. I will carry on.
I had to look up how long to cook my 12.5 pound turkey, and I don't know if I should put it in super early and have lunch right at noon, or if I should put it in after liturgy (if I go) and have a later lunch. choices, choices. I don't know.
Tomorrow is another Liturgy at an impossibly early 8 am. I don't even know if I have the energy for it, to be honest, but I feel guilty for not wanting to go when I have the opportunity.
I don't know. I just don't know. I mostly want to hide. And I'm still very depressed.
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Love you.