Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Widowhood: Week 1

Today B and I went for a hike in Berea, after I'd dropped off a bag of forgotten-at-home items with one of my college kids.  The mountain we climbed was the same one Wes and I hiked about a year ago, and I could not help but think of him often.  I can't remember if our hike was before or after his brain surgery last September 28.  At any rate it was a very difficult climb for him that day and we had to stop and rest frequently.

Today I was very pleased with my own fitness improvements since last year, which made getting up to the top very easy indeed.

Yesterday I screwed up my courage to visit Wes' grave.  It was there, a mound of dirt.  The funeral flowers were in better shape than I had expected them to be, probably thanks to the rain we got the other day.

My days feel...calm.  The fear that went along with the anticipatory grief has lifted, since the thing that I was dreading has come to pass and is behind me now.  And for some reason, some of the fears that I had about this future I am now in (which I knew in my head were unrealistic fears) are no longer with me.  I've just been calm and sad.  Oh so sad.  The numbness lifted a bit last night since it was Monday night last week that Wes died, and I had my first REALLY BIG sobbing session.  I told God that crying would have to do for my evening prayers, and I crawled under my weighted blanket and fell asleep eventually.  So, yes, evenings are hard.

I was going to go out to a movie with some friends this evening,  but am staying at home with a head cold instead.  B and I played scrabble on our first evening at home alone after the others went back to college.

I've been managing.  There are tears.  I've been very intentional about long walks in nature, working out at the gym, reading good things, and staying hydrated....and making very very very specific to-do lists each day so that I don't just drift.  Wisdom tells me to rest and recuperate after what I've been through.  Part of me thinks I should pick up seasonal work with the holidays approaching.  I'm not interested in internet advice on that score.  I'll figure it out.

Mostly, I miss Wes.

Monday, October 09, 2017

Asleep in the Lord

My beloved husband, Wesley, fell asleep in the Lord tonight at 11:17 pm.  He had valiantly been fighting grade 4 glioblastoma brain cancer for the past four years. 

I am grateful that I got to be his wife.  I am grateful for our kids.  I am grateful for his faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  I am grateful that he is no longer suffering this terrible illness that he had. 

He never ever complained. 

Glory to God for all things. 

Death has been defeated, for Christ is risen!

Still He Sleeps

Wes is "actively dying".  He has been sleeping almost non stop since last Monday night.  Last food he took was last Tuesday morning, and that only a few bites.  Only sips of water and now only sponges.  I try to give him more but he won't take it. 

Yesterday was his "rally" and he woke up.  We had the kids fetched from their college and hugs all around.  He received communion and many prayers were prayed.

Today he sleeps.

His body is showing definite symptoms of the death process. I won't go into details.  You can google it, and if it is on the list, you can imagine it is happening here. This death thing is ugly and stinky and I hate it.  And I have absolutely no control over how long or short it will take. 

And I have absolutely no idea whether to send the kids back to college for a few days, or whether that would be superfluous and just require turning around to fetch them again. 

I am not good at waiting.  I have NEVER been good at waiting. 

So I pray that God would show me what needs doing.

And I wait.

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

An Update

Wes has been on hospice almost three weeks now.  His decline seems very rapid.  Today he is sleeping and will barely rouse to be fed.  He slept through a bath, unresponsive with no memory of it. 

I asked him earlier if he was seeing angels and saints yet, and he wouldn't say, but got a very smirky sly grin on his face.  All morning long he kept saying over and over how happy he is. 

He is not in pain. 

Glory to God for all things.