Saturday, April 29, 2006

Necessary Things

Kroger no longer carries any varieties of sugar free BBQ today I endeavored to make my own. It turned out yummy and now is slowly basting atop some slow cooking chicken drumsticks in my oven. I won't post the recipe here because I want to become famous...ha ha ha... the truth is, I just threw stuff in the pot, after consulting a recipe, and made my own, tasting as I went.

Also necessary, is to find some way of consuming vast quantities of salsa (which is actually a very nutritious food on it's own) without consuming vast numbers of calories. Enter the humble celery stick. Usually accompanied by such high fat or allergenic foods as peanutbutter, pimiento cheese or chicken salad (but not by me), dipping it in salsa is a very nice and light alternative to both the cheeze whiz and the tortilla chips. I'll add this to my list of acceptable late night munchie foods.

Thirdly: I"m desperate. I need new glasses. Closer than a certain twentyish inch distance, the world is a total blur. Further than that same certain distance it rabidly becomes a blur again. And even at twenty inches from my face, I"m experiencing eye strain. Sigh. Cooking today and also reading a good book, and now I feel nauseous and ready to lay down and close my eyes. The rub is, no longer will we walz out and whip out a credit card to pay for such a thing. No, we plan for it, budget it, and THEN buy it...with cash. So I may have to wait a few days. I'll live, and the hubster is hard at work, and we have vision insurance but we have to figure out where to go and how much it will cover, so what more can I ask for? But at any rate, I get to sit around imagining new and chic and trendy glasses...yeah, right. When will I learn that there is no miracle cure for my looks? Not glasses, not a hair cut, not loosing thirty pounds...OK, I'll gladly trade some extra wrinkles for extra body fat, don't get me wrong. Life is just reminding me daily of the ubiquitous ticking clock.

The joke, ultimately, is on me. I used to think I was a very low maintenance sort of gal. But now I see clearly my own flaws, or at least some of them. I'm extremely HIGH MAINTENANCE. My husband laughed out loud when I shared this self discovery with him. I"m sure my parents would, too. I wonder if the fibro has anything to do with that. So, I"m a high maintenance person, who values being low maintenance. My self esteem: can it handle such a blow?

Friday, April 28, 2006

Extremely random drivel spewing from my mind

I was staring at a blank blog screen, and absentmindedly I clicked "publish post". Yup, that's right. I published nothingness. A half a second later I edited it to this thing you are reading here. Proof that nothingness has substance afterall...although it may be debatable whether this drivel can be termed "substance"?

This buffalo with curly hair got a haircut today. It actually looks good. My family says it's pretty and I think so, too. I worked on my eyebrows this morning, so I definitely have the 1950's "Hausfrau" look. Just wish I had the 1950's tiny waisted figure to go with it. Oh yeah, everyone wore girdles back then, under their full-skirted gingham dresses, heels and pearls. Shudder. Never mind.

The kids have been amusing. All I have to do to make them happy is fix pizza for dinner. Lasagna last night, pizza tonight. mama mia! Italiano! I don't really know any italian although I understand a bit of it and decipher a bit of it in print. Lived in the erstwhile italian neighborhood in Basel, Switzerland growing up. (From what I hear it's become "Little Turkey" in the intervening quarter century. But back then it was little italy.) and besides, Italian, French and German are the three official languages of Switzerland, German being dominant. Yeah, a country roughly the size of Kentucky with three official languages. French spoken along the western french border, Italian in the southern alps along the italian border and German in the areas bordering Germany and Austria (well, Lichtenstein, actually, bu nobody takes that country seriously except for the stamp printers and collectors). Oh, and don't forget Romansch...which is the closest linguistic kin to Latin in existence today. Found in some small alpine pockets of obsurity.

I remember watching a kids bedtime show on our little black and white TV when I was little, called "De Dtag isch Vergannge" (The day is done). First it was shown is presumably Swiss German (since the title is in Swiss) and then it came on the Romansch. I always watched it in both languages, but never learned any Romansch.

I also rememer watchig Roots, the TV series made from the book by Alex Haley on our little black and white TV. I think that series is WHY my parents bought the TV in the first place. Turns out our reception was so awful that they arranged for us to visit some friends with a better TV and better reception, so we would go over to our babysitter's house (an American family, ex patriates stick together) and watch Roots once a week on a color TV. It made quite an impression. Of course it was dubbed into German. I'd like to get my hands on the series now and watch it again. I'm sure I"ll cry.

Oh, and the Muppet Show. We got that on German TV, too. It was a hoot, watching this American show, dubbed into German. One time there was such a terrible pun, and we got it since we spoke english, but it so TOTALLY failed in translation: Scooter kept bringing bouquets of flowers for Kermit the frog saying "Flowers for Kermit, Flowers for Kermit"..until Kermit was completely innundated with Flowers. Near the end of the show, Scooter comes again with the same spiel, only this time, it's a bag of flour that gets dumped on Kermit's head of course. Well, in english this works, and is funny in a very juvenile sort of way. But in German, "blumen" and "mehl" are just two totally different things. We got more amusement out of the failed translation than any American EVER got from the original joke, I'm sure.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

the kind of thing you only write late at night

Today was one of those days fraught with that restlessness that overcomes me at times. I know what that is, I have identified it in the past, and so knowlege is power, but it is still a struggle to do the right thing with that restlessness.

It is really not a desire for a cigarette (and yes, at times I still want them) or more chocolate, or something good to eat, or something to make me feel loved and beautiful, even though it is all those thing.

I remember someone I met one time describing a good smoke as an internal hug: from the inside out. His loneliness killer.

We all have loneliness killers.

But somehow in a moment of time I got a bit of illumination about my own loneliness killers, and how they are merely sad substitues for the One whome I really want to be in communion with: extra and unneeded trips to the trift store, the desire to purchase just one more thing. Comfort eating. Self indulgence.

And so, slowly, bit by bit, I learn to live one day at a time, not endulging in my loneliness least at those times when I'm aware of what I am doing, because they divide me from that One, the lover of my soul.

Today was one of those days when I felt that tug...that urge, that restlessness, that loneliness, and I found myself rattling around, wanting and looking for something to fill the void.

But I didn't. And for that I'm glad. It is Bright Week after all. Christ is Risen! Perhaps lent was not the fruitless void I thought it to be after all...for this today was one small victory.

My friend M

is at that age when she's saying new words every day. Today's addition was "Barney", since yesterday's episode (shhhh don't tell her parents) must have made quite an impession. But alas, we were out running errands during that time of the day. (See me be sooooo sad to miss Barney...NOT!)

But in the library, lo and behold, there was a stuffed Barney sitting on the counter in the children's section.

She saw him, and pointed him out and kept saying "Barney, Barney, Barney!" So I walked over there with her. M in the sling, my back killing me since I'm not used to slinging little ones anymore. We went to greet the Barney doll and when I got close, she clenched up in fear until I started poking the thing's nose and nothing happened.

Perhaps she honestly thought the stuffed toy would transform into an Adult sized purple weirdo. Shudder, what a thought!

I'd be scared, too.

Short curly hair

I need another hair cut.

Well, I decided to google on short curly hair because the last time I went to the salon, there were exactly TWO pictures of people with short curly hair in the ENTIRE book. I would grow my hair out but it's just not very gorgeous that turns into what I call "hag hair".

So, this is what came up from my google search: a nice furry picture of a BISON!!!!

Getting back into the swing of things...

It's one of those restless, cold and wet mornings, in which I lack focus. So I blog my inane thoughts, procrastinating my real life.

I've spent the past two days cleaning up from and then resting from Pascha, and I"m just not back in my normal rhythm yet, even though I need to be. It wasn't really a spiritual high this year, although I did spend Sunday ridiculously full of joy, despite my bodily exhaustion. I'm trying to recover.

I need to go walking, but the weather is bad. That does not always stop me, but as sleepy as I am, it just might stop me today. I need to start counting calories again, since the feast is over. Sunday I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, of course, and have the acne now to prove that I did. Whenever I go off my food list, my face breaks out worse than it ever did when I was a teenager. Stuff like this keeps me humble. Too bad someone has not yet invented an anti-acne-anti-wrinkle cream that is sold for cheap at walmart. Oh, yeah, it's called Dove soap. As good as it gets.

So, on the domestic front things are pretty much back to normal, it's just ME that I'm needing to kick in the pants. ...Get out there, get the exercise you need and don't stop until you have burned x number of calories, eat perfectly, loose the caffeine again, get more sleep than you do, tidy up your house, do your volunteer work, dress well, don't forget to say your prayers, be stinkin' perfect, for crying out loud, oh, and if you can possibly manage to be beautiful and sexy while you're at it, so much the better, and for heaven's sake hate the fat...I could puke on the voices in my head. Something tells me they are not from God.

And here's the thing: all this middle class striving for American respectability, on whatever level, just turns life into a grotesque caricature of what it was meant to be in the context of the process of theosis. A grand distraction, if you will. Not that I wouldn't exercise, or get the grass cut, or do some volunteer work or do much that would look externally much different. But the inside of it all, the vast universe of the mind, of the spirit...that would be a whole different universe of being!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Good fences make good neighbors

Money is tight. Gas prices are up, and everything is more expensive except for the price of an employee. A neatly trimmed yard. A not too old car...just one...I guess we look prosperous enough, even in this neighborhood.

So, the property behind us is a revolving door rental. A lady I'd never seen before caught my eye while I was standing at my sink, in my kitchen. She was on the sidewalk, and briefly I missed the bushes that used to be tall enough to cover those windows. I like privacy. Don't like uncomfortable interactions with human beings.

As I went out, she was coming into my yard. I did not like that, either. I like privacy. Then she asked to borrow money. Payday next Monday, could she borrow some? Of course she'd pay us right back. Yeah, whatever.

Not for alms, although maybe it was a request couched in those terms, I don't know. But I had to turn her down. No extra moneylying around at our house, even with the neatly trimmed yard, the not-too-old car and the professional husband. Lending money: BAD IDEA. Borrowing money: BAD IDEA. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." We've started living by that this past year.

She told me she'd given chicken to my cat. Like this would soften me up, make me want to give her something? I asked her not to do that anymore. How many ways is this lady going to violate our boundaries? I wonder to myself. I said the cat could get the runs. She understood. Mostly I don't like it when my neighbors feed my animals, just like I would not want them feeding my kids.

If only she'd asked me for food. I could have given her food. But maybe she was not hungry. Maybe food is too personal. I don't know. I just don't know.

Usually when I have an alms giving opportunity, it feels like a "divine appointment", like I"m doing the right thing. This was not that. This felt different. Do I trust my instincts?


When a toddler comes to you and says "owie! owie!" while pointing to the waistband of her pants.... could be that in the process of cramming goldfish crackers into her mouth, some of them fell down her shirt and got lodged at her diaper's waistband, proceeding to poke her with their sharp, crumby edges.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Bright Monday

I got an appointment to see an allergist...three weeks from now.

After giving my kitchen a thorough and much needed cleaning, I went grocery shopping with my little friend M. This is my last week of babysitting her. We had a good time.

Discovered that the supermarket that used to carry all kinds of sugar free stuff no longer does so. No more sugar free ketchup! Then I remembered that I have a recipe in a whole foods cookbook, so I cell-phoned dh who was taking the day off, and had him read me the the necessary ingredients, went home and made: Ketchup! Behold, it is not a mystery that is born in a factory somewhere. You, too, can create the magical flavor that is ketchup in your own kitchen:

6 ounce can of tomato paste
2 tbsp of raw cider vinegar (I used red wine vinegar)
3 tablespoons of water
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 tsp dried oregano
1/4 teaspoon granulated garlic
pinch of cumin, nutmeg, and black pepper
pinch of stevia extract (I used 1 packet of steviaplus)
1/4 teaspoon prepared mustard (I just gave a small squirt of dijon)

Mix it up and keep in a jar.

p. 262 _The Healing Power of Whole Foods_, by Beth Loiselle

Honestly, I thought this would be some weird "we've been eating health food for so long we forgot what normal food tastes like" ketchup-esque sensation, and was very pleased that it really does taste like ketchup. Who knew?

Then I made homemade low carb meatballs so that when I serve the family their store-bought meatballs this week, I'll have my own so I won't have to break my diet. They turned out really good, too (had to have the ketchup to make the meatballs, donchaknow?) and my dd is going to be disappointed when I tell her these ones are MINE. Now that I know, perhaps next time I'll make homemade meatballs for all of us.

I also made some yeast buns for the first time ever using cabquick, and those turned out nice, too. Goes well with the sugar free Nutella-type stuff called "Twist" that I bought for my pascha basket.

After breaking my diet yesterday for the paschal feast, I've decided that I really don't care for bread all that much anymore. Seemed too dry.

I'm grateful that I have so much energy today.

And for new readers to my blog: Welcome. I'm on a doctor perscribed diet to control severe hypoglycemia and fibromyalgia. It is doing wonders for me.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Peanut Allergy?

...developed in mid-life?

Yesterday I ate some peanuts. Just peanuts, and my mouth got itchy. Then my soft palate swelled up. Then I started vomiting. So very NOT GOOD! Took some benadryl. Checked myself for hives. No hives, but my shoulders looked like I'd been out in the sun.

Grateful I did not go into anaphylactic shock or that my breathing was not compromised. Just enough swelling to make me want to cough a bit.

But it was scary. I guess I just ate my last peanut!

I need to learm more about peanut allergies. Now I"m afraid to eat in a chinese restaurant, or eat Atkins bars that have been manufactured in a plant that uses peanuts, etc.

What to do? What to do?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Doesn't it always seem like this?

Nasty on Friday, and glorious on Pascha?

On The Spot Weather
Friday Apr 21

Showers High
Precip: 40%

Wind: SSW
at 10 mph
UV Index: 5 Moderate
Humidity: 70%

Sunrise: 6:54 AM
Sunset: 8:19 PM
Last Quarter Moon Last Quarter Moon
Showers. Highs in the low 70s and lows in the mid 50s.

Saturday 22

Partly Cloudy
Partly Cloudy High
Precip: 20%

Wind: WSW
at 11 mph
UV Index: 8 Very High
Humidity: 71%

Sunrise: 6:53 AM
Sunset: 8:20 PM

close close
details details
Times of sun and clouds. Highs in the upper 60s and lows in the low 50s.

Sunday 23

Mostly Sunny
Mostly Sunny High
Precip: 10%

Wind: NW
at 10 mph
UV Index: 8 Very High
Humidity: 55%

Sunrise: 6:52 AM
Sunset: 8:21 PM

A few clouds. Highs in the upper 60s and lows in the low 50s.
Last Updated Wednesday, Apr 19, 1:02 PM Eastern Daylight Time

Monday, April 17, 2006

Me, and God and Lent and Holy Week...

...reflections anticipating pascha.

I am Lazarus, and with him I wait in darkness. Waiting for the voice of Christ calling: come forth!

I am the prodigal, who daily wanders far from my inner home, but who is winding my way back in holy moments as well, trusting in a Holy Father full of love who waits for me.

I am Saint Mary of Egypt...quietly in the desert. I'm still in the "first seventeen years" that are described in her hagiography...still in the hard part. Learning to pray. Have not found peace yet. Just a longing.

And an exhaustion. I am exhausted. I'm tired.

Physically...I've been in a hard fibro cycle for at least a couple of months now, with no let up in the pain and exhaustion or one or the other. I try to bear up under it. I try to say "no" and set boundaries, and plan my life in such a way that I won't end up at the end of my rope at the wrong time or in the wrong place. Mostly I do OK until about 6 pm. Then I'm just useless. I don't know HOW I'm going to handle the evening services this week. Maybe I just won't.

Emotionally...I'm dealing with my daughter's dx, and trying to learn how to best help her. And other health stuff going on amongst my kids. Overwhelmed. That's how I feel. Who would have thought I'd have a "special needs" kid or three? Can I please rewind to those naive years when I thought I was strong and that breastfeeding would prevent every ill?

Spiritually...I"m there. But in a quiet, desperate "I have no energy" sort of way. I am just a lump of clay and I"m OK with that. But conversely I'm plodding along, doing what needs doing each day. Growing. Somehow I"m growing...I think.

I go and sit in Church, when I can, and it washes over me. I pray when I can. Sometimes I'm too exhausted to even move my lips. So I just sit. Sometimes I"m too exhausted to hold myself up on the pew, could'nt even contemplate standing. So I go lay down on a couch in the nursery and stare at the photocopied Icon of Jesus hanging on the wall to remind the kids of a long past Sunday school lesson. It's good enough. I quietly pray the Jesus prayer and wonder if my exhausted utterings reach higher than the ugly dropped ceiling where my gaze mostly lands.

I feel like the widow with the mite. My little paltry alms are nothing. And yet they seem to require so much from me that it's pathetic.

I am Lazarus and I"m waiting for Pascha. I am Job, and I"m sitting on the ash heaps.

Yet will I praise him, my saviour and my God.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Deep Thoughts on Holy Week

Pinworms, in all their glory.....need I say more?

Friday, April 14, 2006

Is it possible...

To have less than nothing to blog about? Today is proof of that. Maybe something scintillating will occur while I"m folding laundry that I can post about. Or perhaps I'll burn myself pulling Sunday's cake out of the oven, and I can blog about that.

But so far, nada. Nothing interesting.

We had a thunderstorm early this morning...but you don't care about that.

Well, I"m off to mend the small rip in my favorite quilt that I spotted this morning. You know what they say...a stitch in time saves nine.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Ooooo, two posts in one day!

I just have to say: I've lost 30 pounds! Does this mean I get to wax eloquent about my eating and publish a book of recipes? HA! The truth is, it has taken me almost eighteen months to loose those 30 pounds, and while that may seem like forever, here's my perspective:

I find that I don't care one BIT that it took me eighteen months to loose this much weight, NOW that it's gone...I think I"ve finally hit my groove and I know what needs to be done permanently to get to goal, and I'll get there when I get there, and probably faster than the first thirty came off, but slower than I think it should. Life happens, you know. But if it takes another 18 months...or longer, that's OK, too, because the time will pass, regardless of whether I loose quickly or slowly. One way or another, eighteen months from now, I'll most likely be at my goal. The question is, will I be just arriving, or will I have stayed there for a while?

I find that it does not matter. So, I'm not worrying about it.

But, in the name of of all that is "sane living and permanent lifestyle changes", I must strap on my sneakers and go for a walk.

Things I hate

Rush hour traffic
the noise of construction equipment
dog poo in the middle of the sidewalk or near where kids play at the park
bad dreams
those mysterious brown spots that get on the walls, especially in the kitchen, that are hard to scrub off (so I rarely do)
the price of gasoline
getting peanutbutter on my fingers when I make PBJ's

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Random things that I love

I love a big tub of laundry detergent, the way it smells, the way it speaks to me with simplicity: this you can do! Scoop me! Scoop me!

I love the littly bitty purple violets competing with the yellow dandelions all over our lawn. I don't consider them weeds. They are beautiful.

I love a freshly swept hard wood floor when the sun is shining through the windows.

I love new songs.

I love that first hug of the afternoon when my kids come bursting out of the school doors.

I love silence.

I love being the first person awake in the morning with no lights in the house but a few lit candles and the red glow of the "on" light on my coffee maker.

It goes without saying, I love coffee.

I love being out of doors, and walking under trees.

I love being in the woods. Must go soon. I don't live near any woods.

I love the anticipation of summer break that ripples through everything we do this time of year.

I love hanging out at the pool with my kids all summer. Neener neener, it's half a block away!

I love a clean dishrag and kitchen towels.

I love buying a new bottle of pretty much anything: lotion, shampoo, dish is nice.

I love hand-me-downs for the kids AND for me.

I love the fact that my "skinny" husband needs bigger pants....ha ha ha ha ha....and I need smaller ones.

I love windy days, especially if I can be outside.

I love watching the clouds when a storm is moving in.

Lasagna, don't forget lasagna.

I love sandals and skirts and t-shirts on glorious sunny days.

I love teapots and lace and things with pink roses on them.

I love cheap perfume. (I love the expensive stuff too, but have never had any).

I love babies, and toddlers who need to be held.

I love big kids that can be shoo'd outside and forced to do menial housework.

...coming tomorrow...things I hate...;-)

Monday, April 10, 2006

Does not contain milk...

You know, those progresso soups my friend told me aobut. She's absolutely correct. They don't contain milk. But they DO contain CREAM. Sounds yummy!

What's Cooking?

I decided I need to start taking a "once a month cooking...sort of" approach to putting meals in the freezer that fit my hypoglycemia friendly diet, since I'm heartlily sick of cooking double or triple meals for the family each evening. It is nice to be able to pull out of the freezer an acceptable pre-packaged, calorie counted meal and pop it into the that's what I did today.

One more full sized dish divided up into portions and I should be all set on dinners for the next couple of weeks. It will get me through holy week at least.

This will also make those occasions when I have to eat on the run easy, as long as I have access to a microwave. Four hundred well balanced low carb calories always is plenty: southwest chicken with broccoli and tuna-(low carb)noodle casserole were today's menu items.

If I could throw a lasagna in there, and also something with those beef patties that are moldering in my freezer, I'll be all set. But for those I need to run to the store for a couple of more ingredients, I think.

I learned from a friend yesterday that the progresso canned clam chowder soup (the kind you don't dilute) is actually dairy free, as is, I think she said, the cream of mushroom. I need to check those out and pick them up for my husband if that is indeed the case.

Maybe I'll make a "milk run" this evening and get those cans of soup as well. OH, shock! The kids still use milk, and we are also out of low carb milk and rice milk. Sigh. With prices the way they are these days, the grocery money just does not go as far as it once did. Thank God for his providence!

Friday, April 07, 2006

Just wondering....

How many boards would the monguls hoard if the mongul horde got bored?

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Nothing's changed in 20 years!

The Prophet of Doom sayeth:

In these last days, thine martyrdom will involve roller skates, and loud music, five hundred children, flashing lights and a very slick floor. When this occurs, thine end is nigh.
Lo, when the rollerdrome giveth coupons unto free admission during spring break to all the children, and lo, all the children in the counties surrounding, thou shalt know, thine end is nigh.
Lo, when thou and thy children art witnesses unto fighting in the parking lot, when thou seest blood shed and hair pulled out and lying upon the ground, when even sisters cannot live in peace, then thou shalt know, thine end is nigh.
Lo, in these last days, thine martyrdom will not be a martydom of blood, but a martyrdom of muscle pain and blisters, of crushed eardrums and overwhelemd children, a martyrdom of the hokey pokey, YMCA, Thriller and Stayin' Alive. When thou seest all, hearest all, and feelest all, then know that thine end is nigh...nigh unto the floor, that is.

(Actually, I did not fall!)

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Harrowing of Hell

I was reading John chapter ten last night, and the fist six verses:..."I am the good shepherd...etc." made me wonder/think: Jesus is talking about the harrowing of hell here, isn't he? In a way, whether alive or dead that is always where we encounter Him, I think.

Monday, April 03, 2006

I'm fine, really

Perhaps some of my blog readers are wondering if my husband beat me to death, or something horrid like that. First of all, he's simply not the sort to do that sort of thing. He rarely even ever raises his voice. Second of all, no one was in a car wreck, or anything like that.

So, why did I make it all go away? Well, it's an issue I've been mulling over, precipitated by a rather NASTY anonymous comment on this blog before I deleted it. I won't go into the details of the comment, but just like most things: it may have been meant to just be nasty and hurt me, but it DID contain a grain of truth, namely that it's important to maintain good boundaries when blogging about one's kids.

It may seem all innocent when they are wee, and we like to brag to the world about the latest cute thing they said, how they garbled the "Our Father", or what their current cute-isms are. It's all so cute.

But then they grow. And growing kids sometimes are less than perfect, and life is less than perfect. And sometimes life really throws you for a loop, and you, as a parent, are left just barely catching your breath because you are so surprised by everything that you never dreamed would happen in your life and in your kid's life.

In my case, I always knew something was different...I just did not know how the "different" would affect us all. How the different would change when adolescence hit. I"m not going to say more about that, because I do want to maintain good boundaries.

So, I will strive to not blog about my kids, or this particular area of stress in my life, which will be hard, because it is very large and much-encompasing. But not all encompasing.

I also don't want to blog about life with fibromyalgia on this blog, either. That would bore everyone to tears. Check out my fibroweather blog for that.

So, what's a blogger to do? I don't know. But I'm sure I will think of SOMETHING, eventually.

Blessed Lent to all.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Every once in a while it's time to erase and start all over again. Besides, I could not bear the thought of someone else taking my morning coffe address.