Sunday, February 11, 2018

A Happy Memory

Precisely one week before Wes died, on his lasts fully awake day (he was bed bound by this point), Wes kept reapeating over and over again, with a blissful look on his face:  "I'm happy."  "I'm so happy."  "I'm really really happy."  "I'm so happy."

His words were hard to come by at this point in his life, and often came out haltingly because his tumor was in the speech center.  But he was saying this over and over with great determination and meaning.

After a while, it occurred to me that something more than a good mood might be going on.

"Wes, are you seeing saints and angels?"

Wes happened to be chewing a bit of food when I asked the question.  He didn't answer me with words, but his face broke out into the most affirmative, delighted and mischievious grin.  He never did answer me with words after he finished his bite.  I don't think he was allowed to tell me, and I didn't press the point.  But he told me with his smile.

This memory brings me great comfort.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

A New Abnormal

I am so betwixt and between and I feel rather lost.  I suppose that this is normal just a few months after one's husband dies.

On the one hand, it seems that I am getting up and doing things each day...the things that present theselves as needing done, or things on my VERY long list of big stuff that need to get done.  And so I am functional.

On the other hand, the three of us (myself, B and E who moved back home when he dropped out of school) hardly know how to be a family.  It's like we are drifting without our anchor.  Each of us spends an inordinate amount of time in our own room, and since each of us has special food needs, we've been mostly fixing our own individual meals and fending for ourselves.  This place is like a ghost town, except for in our own rooms where we live.

We are going to make an effort to eat supper together and spend a wee bit of time together.  Of course I see each one individually whenever I need to take someone someplace, since I'm the driver/caregiver helping people to navigate the world as young adults with autism.  E got his learner's permit and we've had one driving lesson so far. We seem to have so many medical appointments.

So I feel lost.  I don't know myself any more.

I can't seem to find the time or energy to sew and I just dont have much ooomph at all. In between doing the long list of things I have to get done, I just don't' have any energy for anythig FUN. 

I AM going to the gym a few times a week, and regularly increasing my weights on the weight lifting, so that's nice.  Yesterday I squatted 105, and did 100 pound deadlifts...bench press is 55 pounds right now and that feels pretty heavy.

I think I bit myself in my sleep again last night.  It's happened before.  I woke up with bruises on my arm...again.

Yeah.  Grief sucks.  I cry a lot.  I'm not worried about moving forward in life yet.  No big decisions to be made.  I'm just here and this is my new abnormal.