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Showing posts from January, 2013

Fibro Arms

The mountain of laundry was looming at me. I knew I had to do it, burning arms and all. You see, that is what happens...the burnig arms was one of the first signs to me that I had fibromyalgia, but I did not know it at the time. thought I just has so much laundry to fold that I was getting a good arm workout. I would fold laundry and my arms would burn. Now they always burn when I fold laundry if I’m in a “fibro-flare”.

I had two babies when I first noticed it. I remember mentioning the arm burning thing at a La Leche League meeting. The other moms looked at me like I had two heads when I mentioned that I got lots of exercise from laundry folding. I’m sure they thought I was delusional. Maybe one could define it as such. All I knew is how I felt when I exercised...that’s when your muscles burn, right? That’s how it feels, but instead of lifting weights, you are folding a dish rag. That’s fibro. And instead of dumping the dumb-bells back in their racks and being done wi…

Vignette number 3: Hungry Ghosts

The ghosts are angry tonight. They are angry with me because I told them I would not feed them anymore. The ghosts are dark and they lurk in that place, the vast uncharted territory of my heart. If I were to map it, I’ve always imagined the map would be a wasteland with the label: “Here Be Dragons”. Dragons, ghosts, ghosts of dragons, monsters of the dark...whatever I want to call them, they are my own.

They say that the best way to get rid of an unwanted animal is to stop feeding it. So, I have determined that the ghosts will not get fed. They clamor, creating a fear inside of me...shaking the cage and screaming at me that if I do not feed them, I will be hungry forever. They scream at me, that I don’t deserve to be hungry, and that I should feed them because by feeding them, I am feeding myself.

But they lie to me. The hungry ghosts have been lying to me since I was about thirteen years old. Looking back, I can see things so much more clearly than I did back then. The…

What Do You Want?

Sometimes the process of setting a new goal can shake you up and make you see things more clearly. At least that is what I have been experiencing this past week. I’m taking a writing course, and it is a huge challenge for me. The first thing I realized was that I have been very very bad about setting goals in my adult life. Once I finished graduate school and became a mother, the only goals I had were to fix the next meal, change the next diaper, and...three more times...have the next baby. I’ve been in survival mode and I’ve been pouring my life out for my family and in the process I’ve become a muddle. My one-day-at-a-time existence has allowed eighteen years to slide by, mostly treading the path of least resistance.

Yes, there have been things I’ve learned over the years. I have accomplished some things-most of them domestic. I taught myself to sew with a sewing machine I purchased with wedding gift money. The end result of that effort has been that I’ve made a few weddi…

Vignette 2: On Barriers and Grace

I have always gone through my life with the feeling of being an imposter. It’s a strange thing to describe-even to myself. There’s a sense that I am living inside a silicone cube which I cannot get out of. An odd memory surfaces from my High School days: I was an avid jogger for many years, and that turned me into a cross country runner my junior year of High School. But there was a speed barrier in my running career I could never cross. While I was good at what we called “LSD”-long, slow, distance, I could never get my body to build up enough energy and strength to improve my speed, no matter how many hills I sprinted. It just wasn’t in me, no matter how hard I pushed, no matter how many intervals I ran. The uncrossable barrier dogged my steps. I was slow.

Some of the kids on my cross country team told me that the secret key to their better performance was that they lifted weights at the YMCA. This seemed like a mysterious ritual to me, and I had no idea really, how to pr…

Theophany Song

He became just like me
clothed in humanity
hungry and tired
so close to harm.
God lay as a baby
in frail arms.
O great mystery!

The Holy Spirit
came down like a dove
the voice of the Father said:
This is my Son,
beloved, in whom I'm well pleased.
O great mystery!

He breathed the air I breathe
such his Theophany
touching the water
the air and the land,
fully God yet he's fully man.
O great mystery!

But the whole universe
cannot contain
Him, so all
is forever changed.
His very touch
makes us holy again.
O great mystery!

O great mystery!
God is a trinity,
a humble deity,
and all things made new.

1-6-2005

Baptized in Dirty Water....

Today is Theophany, when the Eastern Church commemorates the baptism of our Lord Jesus Christ in the Jordan River by St. John.

So it is making me remember my own baptism, as it probably should.

I was 12 years old and one night I was lying awake in bed, thinking about life, the universe and everything, and I heard this thought: "You should be baptized. You believe in me, don't you?" For some reason I was scared to tell my parents that I wanted to be baptized, because it seemed like such a BIG THING, and I imagined them giving me the 3rd degree about it, imagined grillings and lectures.

Finally I screwed up my 12 year old courage and told my mom I wanted to be baptized. "Oh, OK. We'll arrange it." That was IT? Where was the lecture and the grilling that I was so afraid of?

Since my dad was a minister, it was easy to find a minister to do the deed. We weren't formally members of the Swiss Reformed Church, so it made more sense to have a ser…

Keeping it Safe

New Year's Resolutions....love 'em? Hate 'em? Do 'em? Avoid 'em?

I've been resolutely avoiding new year's resolutions for the past several years. And in the past, I've always had the typical diet, get in shape, get skinny resolutions that the rest of almost everyone in America has.

This year, I have some new dreams, but I don't know that they are necessarily having anything specifically to do with the new year....they are just things that are bubbling to the surface at this time in my life.

Oh, I wish I could tell you my whole story face to face! I would have so much more to tell. Deeper stuff, more personal stuff...things that should not be said on a blog. You know I'm a mom, and one of the things I've tried pretty hard to do is protect my children's privacy somewhat. So, that means I can't just write about what they are doing and what is going on in their lives and the dumb or silly or cute things they have said.

But …