Monday, February 28, 2011

Slice of Life

I woke up in SUCH a grumpy mood this morning, and was all clumsy in the kitchen and broke my very favorite pink glass butter dish.

Wah.

And the kids were late getting up and everyone was moving slow and there was NOTHING to eat, according to one, so I made a big batch of waffle batter and became a slave to the timer and the tending of making waffles.

And in the midst of this, I HAD had it in my head that I would read some psalms to myself while I was tending the waffles, but I kept getting talked to. Pesky thing, a family. So much for being all "spiritual".

Wah.

The waffle making took so long I finally decided we'd pray morning prayers in the midst of that process. So we did. With a few pauses for taking out the done ones and adding more batter.

Finally I abandoned the waffle batter, and we went on to our readings: Currently we are reading the Gospel of John, A Short History of the World (and we looked at that atlas maps of the places we'd read about and the Art History book of painting from the time period we'd been reading about), and then it was a snippet from a book about St. Seraphim of Sarov, and a Brother's Grimm Fairy Tale.

And then I looked at the clock and realized it was almost lunch time. Back to making waffles so I could finish that chore. And I washed a few dishes, and put the cooled waffles in the freezer. So, now we have toaster waffles. Yay!

I mean, LIFE was NON-STOP. I didn't even get a chance to drink my coffee. It was cold and I threw it out.

Then it was time to get dressed and make lunch. Well, really it was time for getting dressed a LONG TIME before I actually managed it.

Lunch was yummy: from scratch cream of mushroom soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.

Then I did get wedding dress number two cut out and spent some time testing some techniques on scraps, such as what the fray stop stuff looks like on the edge of cut organza, and whether the disappearing ink fabric marking pen is truly disappearing. I'll check it tomorrow to find out. I daren't use it if it is not, but there are some places on this dress where markings would help me tremendously.

So I did all that, and then I was tired. But I decided to go get my eyebrows waxed instead of taking a nap because they were so very very out of control.

Today, it hurt more than usual. Probably from being run-down. Ah, but the things we do for beauty!

Then I went to the thrift store, because that place always makes me happy. And I scored some great finds!

A cool-weather (but not the depths of winter) deep purple courduroy coat. Two blouses, and a tank top, the perfect pasta cooking pot in stainless steel with a copper bottom and lid, a stoneware shortbread cookie mold (puffyheart!) and a VHS movie I'd had on my wish list and a copy of the book Gone with the Wind.

Fun times. I'd never read that novel before, and now I think I will enjoy it.

I'm looking forward to a quiet evening. Perhaps I can read.

And I had this thought today, and am wondering if it isn't true for many of us: How much time do we spend imagining a perfect future (different circumstances, etc) in which we would pray more, and thus deceiving ourselves that we are spiritually in a better place than we actually are? I think I do this A LOT.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Same

No weight loss or gain this week. That's good. Fine. Mildly disappointing but not surprising. I'm sick, you see. And I don't think my body does well with weight loss when I"m sick. I over did it on Monday (hindsight and all that) and have been paying homage to the Mononucleosis virus ever since.

But I stuck to the eating plan. So that's something to hang my hat on.

Chicken soup for dinner. Soothing for an achy body on a chilly, rainy February day. Now the dishes are in the dishwasher, and there's nothing left to do but cozy up for a while, pray some evening prayers with the family, and relax. And for that, I'm grateful.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Taking Care

"Be still and know that I am God."

I think that's what I'm supposed to learn. This mono thing has got me down again this week. I went to the zoo on Monday because I was feeling decent and have been sick ever since. My left side has started hurting again, blah blah blah. Obviously (hindsight being 20/20) I was not ready for such an outing, even though on the front end I did feel ready.

Oh well. Live and learn.

So, I'm learning to ask for help. I'm learning to say "no". I'm learning the basics of just being present with my family, and of being present in my own body. And being still and here with God.

I have to learn to listen to my body and its needs and through this process, it is amazing to me how often I ignore what my body really needs in favor of something more cerebral or emotional.

Sometimes I find that I ignore when my body says "enough"...whether it's to food, or activity, or whatever. Sometiems I find that I ignore the basic need for water until I am beyond thirsty and craving something really unhealthy like a diet coke.

I've got to learn to listen to myself and take care of myself. I am learning this. This illness is teaching me that, forcing me to learn it in a whole new way. I don't necessarily LIKE the learning process, mind you. But I'm working on it.

Soon it will be lent. I feel like all of 2011 has been lent already. Pascha can't come soon enough.

Monday, February 21, 2011

This Time Around

I've done Weight Watchers several times before, but something is different this time around.

I'm not looking for a quick fix. I honestly don't care how long it takes to "get to goal". I'm making this more about the day to day journey. And if I happen to lose weight week by week, great. I mean, I DO want to lose weight. But I also want to learn how to live with food. Because that's the crux of the matter.

The new plan is feeling really good in my body. I'm FULL. And finally, at long last, I think I might be figuring out the correct ratio of fruits/vegetables to the rest of everything else.

The balance, in that regard, has shifted. Wee portions here and there of soaked oats, or sprouted grain bread, or one cup of whole grain pasta. But these foods MUST be limited carefully. Same with oils and fats. They are an important part of one's diet and can't be skipped, but they also MUST be measured. That's where a huge source of my calories were coming from. Way too much oil in my cooking.

And I think I've already mentioned the vast amounts of cheese I used to eat. Yeah. Enough of that. I still do dairy, but I measure it. What a way to live, eh? So sad. Well, it's also sad to be a hundred pounds over fat and have to lug that around all the time. So. Not. Fun. So, I'll measure my milk, but I"m still drinking whole milk from the farmer.

And the rest of it all? If I want to get full, I need to have a few cups of vegetables on my plate. There is so much variety of veggies in this world, that this is not a hardship. And if I want something sweet to eat, I need to grab and orange, or a pear, or an apple. This is also not a hardship.

It's NORMAL eating. Healthy, normal whole foods.

I think I'm finally getting it, somewhere deep inside on a level I've never "gotten it" before.

What's different this time around? I don't know. Maybe it's repentance.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I have lost a bit more weight this week! WW thinks I lost four pounds, but actually I probably just lost 1.8 pounds. I was wearing boots last week, and flip flops this week, thanks to the lovely lovely spring-like weather. When I got home I weighed my boots and they clocked in at 2.2#

I'll take it!

So, on my WW booklet I have lost 5.4 pounds so far. I have the gold five pound star. It's a good feeling.

I had a good week, tracked all my points, etc.

I did NOT exercise very much this week. The mono fatigue reared it's ugly head and I had to deal with that. So, lots of "Oh, it's 3:30 pm and time to crawl into bed for a couple of hours." type of days.

But life happens and I was steady on the plan. That right there, is a good thing.

After all, it's not so much about losing weight. It's about changing habits. And those habits have gotta change for a lifetime.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Trust Issues

When it comes to weight loss, I totally have trust issues. I don't trust my body. I don't trust the program to work on my body. I don't trust myself to STAY on the program, etc etc. blah blah blah.

Obviously this is something I am working on.

The staying on program I can control form one day to the next. I'm happy to say I survived Valentine's weekend. Admit it, fat folks: If there is a candy/chocolate eating occasion such as V day or Easter, the days before and after, or the two days before, or whatever, are uniquely temptatuous as well. (How do you like my new word? It's a combination of tempestuous and temptation.) In my case it was this weekend. I was shopping for some valentine's treats for my daughter's American Heritage Girls troop, and found myself in the candy aisle. Mmmmm, Lindor truffle balls!

Yes I bought them. And yes, although sharing a few with my kids, I DID EAT most of them. All of them, actually, over the course of two days.

But get this: I COUNTED THEM in my tracker. Oh, and then there were the sugar free chocolate cupcakes I bought at our parish bake sale to help raise money for Church. Those I DID count, too.

Happily, my husband bought me flowers, not chocolates. That's so very kind and supportive of him.

So, here's where trusting the program to work, and trusting my body to work with the program would come in handy.

Because even though I'm well within range, on track etc. blah blah blah, it's really really hard to let go of the fear, especially the "I ate some chocolate" fear.

So, today I'm just going to work on letting go of the fear whenever my gut clenches a little bit and it grips me.


In other news: Last week I pushed it too hard and this week that mono-feeling of easy tiredness has been back to haunt me. I pretty much need a three hour nap in the afternoons. I may as well just plan for it. So the walking has NOT been going on this week. Now I will forever have in my head the question: Is it mono or fibro? Same dif, in many ways, but a slightly different way of being fatigued and in pain, believe it or not. Sort of like the Eskimos have twenty different words for snow, I guess.

Friday, February 11, 2011

"The Weight"

The way we use language matters. The words we choose are important.

I've always had a problem when hearing people, myself included, refer to obesity as "the weight". As in: "I need to lose 'the weight'." Or "If she could just lose 'the weight' she would be so much healther/prettier/blah blah blah."

As if "the weight" were something that can be peeled off like Eustace's dragon skin in C.S. Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Or as if it were a fat suit that could be removed at will. As if "the weight" were something not intrinsic to the person who carries "the weight", intrinsic to that persons's way of being; lifestyle, habits, choices, emotions, choices, responses. As if "the weight" were something other than a part of that person.

But the truth as I see it is (speaking as a person who has a LOT of "the weight" hanging on her body) that until I quit keeping "the weight" at arms length and learn to embrace "the weight" as a part of who I am, intrinsic to myself, until I can do this, I cannot make the necessary changes to let it go.

Because "letting go of the weight" means looking at myself very honestly and asking myself hard questions. It means I have to be honest with myself about my needs, my emotions, my habits, my lifestyle, my choices, my excuses, my way of being in the world. And then I need to examine all those things critically, and then I need to make changes to ME to address the issues that have caused ME to be overweight.

It's nothing more or less that personal growth and change at the very deepest level, that is required.

And without this deep self critical examination and acceptance and willingness to change and move forward, it will always only be another "Diet" instead of a permanent change.

And I'm going for the permanent change, folks. And change is hard, and it has to be on the inside, and I have to be honest and I have to work my butt off. Literally. I know this. I'm ready.

Stupid Pizza

This post was written last night and posted here this moring, so if the time frame might seem off, that's why.

I weighed in tonight and before tomorrow starts, I have a ginormous pile of weekly points and unswapped activity points that I could be using up. 28 AP's and about 20 WP's.

That's a pretty big binge, if I wanted to.

I wanted to spend a few points this week on something special. A blizzard perhaps, or a cookie from Panera...even though I don't want to go out into the horrid cold winter night and get anything from either place. Not that anyone is open.

I also hinted that my husband could go get Chinese food. Nope. He won't go. I thought of ordering a pizza. I could eat a few slices and count those points and be happy. But no. That did not happen either.

Instead, I found a frozen rising crust four cheese pizza in the freezer. Lackluster. As soon as I'd unwrapped it and stuck it in the oven, I realized that this thing did NOT represent my food bliss. Not at all.

But there it baked and then it came out. I decided to eat one slice, even though I'd budgeted for two in my tracker already. I ate the one 8 lousy point slice. It as NOT worth eight points, let me tell ya!

It was Stupid Pizza. Food eaten just because I CAN????? What is THAT about?????? And it wasn't even good.

I still have points left. I could make myself some cookies, or I could eat a grilled cheese sandwich. But I don't want to.

It's not that I have a burning desire to take the high road. No. If the right comfort food for my foul mood were set under my nose right now, I would eat it. No doubts.

But it isn't and I find that I don't care to work on making food happen right now.

What my body REALLY needs is water and sleep. And I think letting go of those uneaten points is the best thing that I can do.

Because in the morning is a new week, with a new 49 and somewhere in the world, cookies will still exist. And I can still earn Activity Points. And I can still follow the plan.

Since this journey is going to take forever, I might as well stop eating Stupid Pizza.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A Slow Loser

is nothing less than being a protracted winner!

This week I kicked 1.4 pounds to the curb.

What I Want

I want to be able to go up and down stairs without my knees and ankles hurting.
I want to be able to sit on a horse without feeling sorry for the poor beast.
I want to be able to go hiking and not be worn out.
I want to go caving (spelunking) again. That was so much fun.
I want to rapell and do ropes with the American Heritage Girls I'm an assistant leader for. (For whom I am...for the grammar police).
I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of myself.
I want health, healing and wholeness.
I want positive thoughts in my head.
I want to release this weight.
I want to smile (I am smiling...had a good day today).
I want to be faithful to my new good eating habits.
I want to sleep better.
I want to surprise my kids who (I think) secretly don't think I can lose weight for good.
I want to surprise myself as well.
I want to have a thinner self to offer my wonderful (thin) husband who loves me not matter what.
I want to lose weight and keep it off.
I want to be responsible.
I want to not be a slave to my passions.
I want to be less self-indulgent.
I want to be an adult and not a kid when it comes to food.
I want more energy.
I want less pain (back pain, knee pain, ankle pain).
I want to be able to look at two fifty pounds bags of potatoes and be amazed that I used to wear that on my body all the time.
I want to have the energy to keep my house in better order.
I want the experience of setting a goal and accomplishing it in THIS part of my life as well as other things.
I want to earn my Lifetime Membership in Weight Watchers. (I'm a chronic drop out but that is the old me.)
I want a "new me".
I want the second forty years of my life to be better than the first forty years.
I want to have nothing to wear because it's all too big for me.
I want the 2X top I bought at the store to fit me instead of being too small!!! (I did not try it on at the store, assumed it would fit...oh, surprise!).
I want to be able to stand up in Church without feeling so tired and faint.
I want to be fit.
I want to be able to wear a dress with a waist line.
I want to be able to belt my favorite (hand knitted by me) sweater.
I want to be able to go to the store and find bras that fit me.
I want to have more spring in my step.
I want to make exercise as much a part of my life as eating, breathing or prayer is: non-negotiable.
I want to go contra dancing and not be "the fat one".
I want to fit into those size 18 jeans in my closet, instead of the 22's. And after that, I want to fit into the 16, 14, 12, 10 and perhaps 8's.
I want to be thin.
I want ONEDERLAND.
This week, I want to stick with my DPT. (so far so good).
This week, I want a loss on the scale.
I want to lose 100 pounds, even if it takes me five years to do it.
I want to never give up.
I want to never give up.

I WANT TO NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Snapshots of my Day

Worked on a wedding dress.
A lackluster veggie soup for dinner. (Served with not-at-all-lackluster grilled cheese sandwiches).
Drank some tea and ate some yogurt while watching Biggest Loser with my kids during my "resting time".
Played a few songs on my guitar.
Said some prayers.

Blog Direction

I'm really questioning the future of this blog. It seems so inane to me. All I ever talk about is wee piddly little stuff. And I'm thinking perhaps this blog has run its course. But I don't know.

I've been blogging for so long, and I'm attached to it. I like have a forum and place for my wee, piddly little voice saying wee piddly little stuff.

I don't. know. I'm not fishing for compliments or accolades. I'm just wondering out loud what to do with myself.

You see, this blog is in GREAT danger, right now, of turing into a "this is all about my weight loss efforts blah blah blah" thing, and I don't really want to do that. Because, quite frankly, while that is going to be an on-going HUGE part of my life for the next few years, as I work to lose 80-100 pounds, I don't necessarily know that anybody who is not "on the journey" wants to read about that stuff. But maybe that's just what I need to do. Keep it real, like I always do. For some reason, my agonies in life tend to encourage others. Maybe because we all have agonies. The one thing I can say about myself is that I don't bullshit about the agonies of life, and I don't pretend they aren't there.

Well, I talked myself into a decision. This is going to become a weight loss blog, at lest for the time being. If that is boring to you, well, there's lots of other blogs out there.

Say a prayer for me on this life-style change journey: That I can balance the exercise I MUST get to make this work, and the fibro, and the homeschooling, and the sewing, and the mono recovery (I'm pretty much well recovered from that by now).

Ok, You have been warned.

The iCord Graveyard

In our bedroom we have a spot that is the iCord graveyard. We've had bad luck with our computer power cords. Those things are EXPENSIVE!!! Eighty bucks! And they keep breaking.

So today, when I was doing a bit of tidying in the living room, I realized that the cord is in two parts. I wondered....

...what IF part A is broken on one cord, and part B is broken on another cord.

So, I came back here with a lap top (whose battery does not hold a charge) and I started mixing and matching.

Woot! I'm happy to report that I found a combo that is actually powering this computer, even as I type. I'm so excited!

Once again, my brilliance saves the family money. And perhaps, giving credit to my husband here, I can appreciate, for the first time EVER, his pack-ratishness. There, I said it. Glad we had the iCord graveyard through which I could dig.

Friday, February 04, 2011

Shameless "Before" PIctures




The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So, instead of crazy, I'm going to be responsible. I think it takes guts to post such awful pictures on the internet, but the truth is, everyone who sees me IRL sees this, too, so I may as well admit it to myself and get over it and get down to business and be more responsible with my eating and exercise.

Yes, I have fibro, yes I have a stressful life, but so do lots of other people and this is not a reason to slather butter on everything (just a wee bit on some things) and eat half a wheel of cheese with a hefty side of wine most evenings.

It's time for some new habits and a new attitude. So, this is the beginning, again.

Gone and Done it.

Joined Weight Watchers, that is.

Time for some outside accountability with my food. When I budgeted out my daily points allowance (fruits and veggies, including such yumsters as butternut squash and bananas are ZERO points, so I should NEVER be hungry) last night, just to see how much carb controlled pasta this girl can still eat, I about had a heart attack. NO WONDER I've got a weight problem. I've developed the oh-so-easy "I'm on a low carb diet, pass me that wheel of cheese" lifestyle...and then allowed some carbs to creep back in.

So, I just thought I'd share with you, both my readers (Hi Mom!) what I'm up to. Well, not specifically. My weight is so high, that after losing my initial 5%, I will STILL be higher than the magical number I thought I'd never let myself get fatter than.

I've struggled with my weight for all my life, since adolescence, as anyone who has read much on here knows. I have got to accept the fact that this. has. to. be. permanent. I really really want to change. God help me, I'm ready.

(And I think I'm going to like the new Weight Watchers Points Plus program. Not only are fruits and vegetables zero points, but the algorithm used to figure the points takes carbs, fat, protein and fiber into account.

What this boils down to, for me, is that I will have to measure my food (again), eat more veggies (again) and when I do eat pastured butter from grass fed cows, I have to put it in a measuring spoon first, instead of gobbing mass quantities onto my food.

But rest assured, I'd rather budget the points for real milk, than drink anything fake.

Lower Carb meets Nourishing Traditions principles meets Weight Watchers. This should be interesting.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Coming back to Life

Today I ran an errand to Kroger, made chicken noodle soup for lunch, did laundry (including folding, etc.), cleaned up the kitchen and cooked dinner.

And I took a nap.

This sure beats doing NOTHING but resting all day.