White-Knuckling It

Look what I found at the thrift store yesterday!

...along with a large George Foreman grill in pristine condition, a white comforter, also in pristine condition, and a copy of the classic book The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair, oh...and some dinner plate. I'm forever collecting random dinner plates in various blue and white patterns for my "country eclectic" dining set. These five are scalloped white stoneware with little blue flowers. Pretty much perfect, if you ask me.

I've hit my first big mental dieting wall this weekend. It all started with me working too hard yesterday and getting over tired. I thought I was over all that over-tired business, but apparently not. Between the errands I ran in the morning, the concentrated sewing I did in the afternoon, and the kitchen work I did shortly before Vespers yesterday, I was dead on my feet by the time vespers came around. Managed to put on a brave face and go. Then Wes and I were supposed to go out on a little date, and we did but I was miserable and not feeling well, so home we went and I crawled in bed with chills and did not even brush my teeth, since I fell asleep reading in a matter of moments. This never happens to me....except it did.

This morning I woke up wondering what to do and Wes said: Extreme rest for you. Stay in bed. So, here I am at home again on a Sunday morning. I'm not going to lift a finger at all today.

And when I get over tired, I want to eat. Unfortunately, I fell into a bowl of koliva (boiled wheat with raisins, cinnamon, graham cracker crumbs, powdered sugar and candied almonds which is brought to Church and served as a memorial when someone has a memorial prayer service for someone who has died) that I had made for a friend whose mother had recently died. Having NO IDEA how many points is in that stuff, and being very tired and hungry I just at some of it. And then ate some more. And then went to Panera where I had a half a veggie sandwich and a bowl of black bean soup and some of the bread, but not all of the bread, and 1/4 of a strawberry scone when I gave half of my half to Wes.

And then when I got home I had to sample some bites of the cheesy noodle casserole I'd prepared for the kids and a bite of the pizza Eric had made for himself. I wanted more than the couple of bites I took...lots more, but the fact that I ate any at all is...horrid, to me. And I was not even hungry.

I think falling asleep quickly and early was a mercy because I remember lying in my bed with that feeling that I just want to eat EVERYTHING in the house and making a deliberate choice not to, since I'd already almost eaten everything, as it was.

And that urge is still with me this morning. Forcing myself to be good. And I'm having a really hard time with it. So, here I am, blogging about it.

I want to eat when I'm stressed, and I REALLY want to eat when I'm over-tired. I know this about myself. I hope as time goes by I can develop some helpful strategies to overcome these urges. Today, I'm just going to white-knuckle my way through the day and hope for the best.