Today I finished making a simple summer nightie out of a full sized flat sheet. It was very simple, with a square neck yoke and fluttery short sleeves, gathers underneath the yoke. Since the fabric was white and boring, I did some embroidery on the front yoke.
I have more sheets that my friend was getting rid of, so soon I'll be sewing the girls some nighties as well, seeing as how we do not have any full sized beds and they need summer nighties.
I was awake at four something this morning, and around five, I decided to give up and get up. My back was aching and I could not get back to sleep. So, early this morning I got some reading done, which was nice. I finished _The Shack_. I have to admit I was very prejudiced against this book when I first started reading it but it turns out I really liked it, and I sort of needed to hear the message the book had to offer. I have my own Great Sadness to deal with, I know. In particular I like the line: "Tell him I am particularly fond of him." I'd like to hear it as "Tell Alana I'm particularly fond of her." Maybe God is. Maybe that's what I needed to hear from this book. I wish I felt it more.
I've really been feeling depression rear its ugly head lately. I wish it were not so, but it does stay with me, doesn't it? I'm sure the exhaustion of Holy Week and Pascha did not do anything to help at all. Sometimes I wonder if I need meds to help. I wonder. NO matter how hard I try, I can't shake the sadness and I can't quite ever feel joy. Even when I make gratitude lists. Even when I sing songs to myself about "put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, lift up your hearts to God..." That popped into my head today from days long gone. I think it was a line from a praise chorus that we sang back at Lexington Mennonite Church. I wonder if its a Scripture quote. I almost don't want it to be, because in my depression I find it rather sentimental and annoying. Like I have an obligation to fix myself.
And that, is the root of it all. That feeling that I ought to be able to fix myself if I could just try harder. Heck, I can't even keep my house clean! How on earth am I going to fix me? But still that feeling persists. No matter how many Bible verses or how much theology I throw at it to try and get rid of that awful feeling. No matter how much I try, I can't seem to just rest in God's grace and love and mercy and feel joy. Even though I want to. Why is that? I think it's depression. And that brings up the point...why do I have feel like I ought to "fix myself"? I'm not even talking of the level of being fixed like being healed and forgiven of one's sins. Nothing so astute or elevated. No, my self-deprecating thoughts run more along the lines of "You look ridiculous and unpolished for a forty year old woman." "You should have better fashion sense by now." "What you like is ridiculous". "You should not like the things you like." "You should lose weight." "You should fix your body by eating in a perfect way and taking all the right vitamins, etc."
And I never quite have the energy to do all that I need to do each day. I am perpetually behind. My cooking lately has been pathetically dependent on frozen pizzas. Even there my standards are ridiculously high and not-live-up-to-able and I don't know why. Perhaps I feel like if the food I serve is "ideal enough" then B wouldn't be sick. Or something. But then I can never maintain that level of involvement. Because I'm achy and depressed and tired.
Ok, so this has been an honest and gut wrenching blog post. I will probably post it anyways. Pray for me.
Comments
I really do believe that you are loved and cared for by God and that your situation with your family is pretty overwhelming.
Sending *hugs* and my prayers.
Cyber hugs to you my friend! I can identify with you-I too am 'frumpy' and not put together. I look at those who are, (my son calls them 'track suit mamas' Makeup, all together in a matching yoga pants and jacket,) and I see what I am NOT. I know that I am an overweight fashion emergency walkin'!
If only I worked harder at it my family would eat healthy and we would all be well adjusted and at our ideal weights. But alas the truth is that the only reason we are eating nutritionally well this evening is that one of the lady's from church brought us a mercy meal. If it would have been up to me it would have been corn tortillas with cheese and beans!
So...you are not alone. And for what it is worth we are particularly fond of you Alana!!!!
I think I have asked you before, but have you read Kathleen Norris' new book called Acedia and Me? It really helped me understand these "noonday demons" as they are called by the monks. Email me privately if you want to talk more.
I too have a strong will to "fix" myself...daily...hourly. I have never seemed to be at rest with myself...happy and accepting of myself. I have to try very hard to kick those negative thoughts aside and remember that I am who I am...and He made me. He loves me. I try to relate the only way I know how and that is by being a parent. I would hate to find out that one of my children never felt they measured up to my standards or were never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough...etc. So I try to remind myself in my feeble way that God is my father and He is "particularly fond of me" too.
I will pray for you, your struggles, your family. Know that you are not alone. We all have a story that sometimes clouds our days and nights.
~ thinking of you...