I've been contemplating lately. Dangerous stuff. I was cleaning my kitchen and my floors while I was thinking today. Cleaning always involves many repetitions of the Jesus prayer, because I particularly don't like to clean, hate dealing with dirt, etc. So I force myself to make it a spiritual exercise. Makes it more palatable. I used to get really really angry whenever I had to clean, while I was cleaning, etc. I don't anymore, so I think there's been some growth there, over the years. The only remedy to the anger, though, is the Jesus Prayer.
But the stupid thing is, I can't even do that without another track in my brain being like: "Oh, wow! Aren't I cool? I'm cleaning my kitchen and praying the Jesus Prayer! Aren't I so very very spiritual? Yay, look at me. Wheeee! I'm praying the Jesus Prayer....etc."
Meanwhile, the other track in my brain is really trying hard: "Oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Oh Lord..."
And a third track in my brain: "Sheesh! I can't believe I'm having those thoughts. God, I'm so awful! I'm like a toddler who pees her pants and wets the bed all the time, and the one time I do go potty I feel like I ought to get some national recognition! Sheesh! Have mercy on me a sinner...back to the Jesus prayer track..."
And the DIRT that's coming out of my wet/dry vac (I clean it after it cleans my floors) is just amazing. Something to contemplate, pointing to a higher reality, surely.
So I'm doing all this cleaning (I went through an entire "magic eraser" sponge!) and I'm contemplating the fact that I have such a hard time seeing dirt until it gets really bad. Then I realized I have a hard time the same way with my sins. I just don't see them, and I gloss over them, ignore them, etc. But they are there all the time.
From a distance it might look OK, but up close...ugh. Up close it's pretty bad!
O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
But the stupid thing is, I can't even do that without another track in my brain being like: "Oh, wow! Aren't I cool? I'm cleaning my kitchen and praying the Jesus Prayer! Aren't I so very very spiritual? Yay, look at me. Wheeee! I'm praying the Jesus Prayer....etc."
Meanwhile, the other track in my brain is really trying hard: "Oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Oh Lord..."
And a third track in my brain: "Sheesh! I can't believe I'm having those thoughts. God, I'm so awful! I'm like a toddler who pees her pants and wets the bed all the time, and the one time I do go potty I feel like I ought to get some national recognition! Sheesh! Have mercy on me a sinner...back to the Jesus prayer track..."
And the DIRT that's coming out of my wet/dry vac (I clean it after it cleans my floors) is just amazing. Something to contemplate, pointing to a higher reality, surely.
So I'm doing all this cleaning (I went through an entire "magic eraser" sponge!) and I'm contemplating the fact that I have such a hard time seeing dirt until it gets really bad. Then I realized I have a hard time the same way with my sins. I just don't see them, and I gloss over them, ignore them, etc. But they are there all the time.
From a distance it might look OK, but up close...ugh. Up close it's pretty bad!
O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
Comments
Remember that passing thoughts and the will are two different things entirely. If my will is to remain pure, fleeting impure thoughts do not endanger me as long as I stick to my guns and ask God to help me.
I might have fleeting thoughts of violence toward someone, but if my will is to do no harm and I do not accept (or entertain) those evil thoughts they aren't mine.
anyway. :)
i HEAR you. i thought of your post again this AM as i was cleaning my bathroom floor before going to work and thinking, oh i should pray too...
i appreciate your honesty and there was a lot of dirt on my floor too and yes, my soul as well...
thank God it is almost lent!!!
There's certainly an appropriate parallel between cleaning the dirt from your house and simultaneously clearing the dirt from your mind. But wow, the ego is even harder to keep away than the dirt.
God have mercy on me a sinner. These are just some simple thoughts from one wanting to truly learn how to pray.
Pray for me, a sinner!