Feeling Low

I wish Christmas were not next week. I have no plans. They got cancelled. Now I suppose I have to figure out what to cook. I don't want to cook. I think I'm going to buy a frozen lasagna and some pies and be done with it.

I'm feeling very low today. Last night, I was already tired and my husband was working late. At 8:30 he called me to tell me his car wouldn't start and that he'd called a tow truck. So I loaded the kids in the van, got gas, and some caffeine, and drove the hour and fifteen minutes to Louisville to pick him up. And then we waited for the tow truck together, got some snacks, and headed home. It was midnight when we got here.

My eyes have been bothering me. Seems like I need new glasses about once a year. I'm so sick of that. Even my reading glasses are less than perfect for reading. And my regular glasses just make me tired. But I am tired. To the core, and perhaps that is the only trouble. I'm going to wait a while before running out to get my eyes checked.

I get the feeling that everyone wants everything to be OK. "Oh, you are back in Church...that's so wonderful!" And it is...BUT... Like the immediate crisis is over, but there is a long term reality to deal with here, and things are definitely not back to "normal" yet, if there ever was such a thing. There's still daily confusion over many things, daily tears, being scared. Not being quite right. Waiting and hoping and praying that the psych meds will continue to wax effective. Hoping she'll be able to resume school work in January and wondering if the second semester of Biology lab will happen.

And these meds have such grave side effects. But those side effects are less bad than the reality without them.

Little things are getting to me today: I need a hair cut. My skin is awful, probably from all those brownies I was pigging out on in the hospital. And it's December and the rest of my skin is dry and scaly no matter how much lotion a slather on. I'm achy and feeling the fibro today. I doubt I'll do my exercise video. I'm struggling hard to keep my eating where it should be, and that depresses me. I was doing so well in that department without a struggle before all this happened. But I carry on because it is the ONE thing I can do to take care of myself in all of this (Ok, that, and getting the sleep I need). Perhaps it is iconic. And it's not about looks. It's about not wanting to be lugging around an extra forty-five pounds of unnecessary fat that I don't really have the energy to be shlepping.

Last night I had to drive over to Louisville because Wes' car broke down. Did I say this already? It's in the shop today, awaiting a diagnosis. Our van also needs some major work done on it. How pathetic is that? We are so totally that thrift-store and walmart shopping uncool family with the schizo kid, the fat mom, and the broken down vehicles....

I wish it weren't Christmas.


Laura said…
Oh man...it sounds like things are really piling up.

I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug, or that our house were big enough for all of you to come here for Christmas.

Regardless, y'all are in our prayers.
gemma said…
Through all of that I saw a lovely family loving each other enough to schlep that distance with sustenance for the man without a car. How blessed he must have felt to know that a phone call would bring you all to him and how good you are to make a picnic in that circumstance.

No family is uncool when they behave as you do. Love and prayers and as my mother would say..make it a sunny day tomorrow.
Lauren S. said…
You are beautiful, Alana. Hang in there.
Liz in Seattle said…
Some days we're just lucky to get one thing done. For me, it might be as paltry as washing the silverware. But at least it's one thing. Or maybe it's merely one of the prayers from Matins (or even just a couple of Jesus Prayers).

You _are_ beautiful, and so is your family. How could we read this honest blog of your life, without believing so?

BTW, lasagna is tasty. And remember, there are TWELVE days of Christmas, not just one. So don't sweat it. (Oh, and stuff goes on sale on day 2, so putting off a celebration isn't necessarily a bad thing!).

Hugs from the Northwest!
Ruth said…
Sounds like you're in just the right frame of mind for Christmas. Jesus came to an occupied country, to a poor family, to a stable. He comes in when things look bleakest. He understands.

We are praying for you and your family every day. You're going through some very, very difficult things. Hugs.
elizabeth said…
you have had some really hard times; though i have never met you, i can see and sense that you and your family are very loved.

and i too believe quite firmly that you are beautiful and also that your beloved B. has beauty so deep within her, it shines like a star. to be so young and be given such a burden how could she not have this beauty.

seek to be gentle with yourself and i pray that God will bring you and your family restoration, as the Angel brought food to Elijah when he was overcome.
Anonymous said…
You have just described over half the country. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are amazing, and I love you.
Give your body time to recover, you are coming off of a major stress. Eat what you need to. I believe in you.Sending you a big hug from South Dakota.
We were without our only vehicle for most of the month of November. We debated whether or not it was worth it to fix a vehicle that has nearly 200,000 miles on it. We decided to fix it after we put pen to paper and discovered that if this car made it through the winter we would be in a better place to buy a new to us car.
It will get better!
Love, Joi
Elizabeth said…
I see a loving and united family working together no matter how tough things get.

There is absolutely no reason why you can't have lasagna and pies for Christmas.......it will be something your children will remember and may just become part of their family traditions when they grow up.....

"hey, remember that year when Dad's car broke and we went on a midnight picnic to rescue him ? And we had lasagna on Christmas Day !"
It is the kind of thing your grandchildren will be enthralled by in future years :-)

sending love, hugs and prayers from us here in South Wales
Mimi said…
I wish we were close enough to have you over for Christmas. But, my virtual love and hugs and my prayers will have to do.
Anonymous said…
Your first paragraph reminds me of a time I stood in Migro, feeling sad because dh had to work on Christmas Eve every Christmas Eve as long as he was in that Mission. That's the day I got the idea of celebrating The Eve of Christmas Eve. So I bought cornish game hens, peas and rice served by candle light--and we were all dressed up. Do you remember that "tradition" or not?
Alana said…
I remember.