Last night I went to bed at 8:30 pm and slept for eleven hours. I didn't even hear my husband's snoring, which usually keeps me up half the night. That's one of the reasons I was so tired. It's been a mostly sleepless week.

I also went to bed fighting some very low feelings: Like, I'm a big fat(literally) nobody with a nothing life. I can't really delve into the whys or wherefores of those feelings, as just typing the words is bringing them back.

So, I'm a homemaker. But I'm not the good kind. I'm the kind with unfolded laundry and dubious kitchen floors. My house is the muggle version of the Weasley's place, the Burrow. Yay, rah. Who cares about homemakers? The world is certainly not impressed with me. And if I were getting a grade (I was always SO good in school!) it would not be a good one. Certainly not an "A".

I'm the kind of homemaker who would rather be cruising youtube for 9/11 conspiracy theory vids and researching the latest drama in the Autism community than mopping my floors or dusting. (By the way, Autism Speaks seems to have a bit of a eugenics bent to them: trying to develop a prenatal autism test. WHAT good would that do, except to encourage moms to abort their potentially autistic kids. Yikes. OK, so I've never had to deal with fecal smearing or intensive therapies, BUT STILL. What is the value of a human life?)

And I guess that's the gist of my question, and the gist of my negative feelings: What's the value of THIS human life? I'm only a small fraction of the person I thought I'd be when I grew up. I can't do it all. I'm a mediocre homemaker at the end of the earth.

But right now I really need to get off my butt and get some stuff done.


John Nicholas said…
Well, when you figure this all out and have an answer, please share it with others. There are a lot of us out here that feel the same way!
Seriously, though, any life is like a stone tossed in a pond. Ripples. You will never know, at least in this world, the good and positive effects that all you do creates! You just gotta believe that it happens. It does, you just gotta believe.
Mimi said…
I'm so glad you slept well.
Laura said…
Well, what can I say except that I know the feeling sometimes. I will pray for you...
Anonymous said…
Alana, I love you! I also am not a very good homemaker- as can be seen by the massive amounts of time that I spend online. I detest laundry! Which is probably the biggest chore I have to do as a housewife.

You are an incredible mother and wife who is not only a housewife, but also the teacher of her children. You tasks are comparable to someone who works and takes care of her children. You are a work-at-home mom. And you aren't lazy. You cook for your family, usually not just one thing, but various things to meet the needs of everyone in your family. Your family is always presentable and clean, which means you are taking care of them in that respect as well.

I think you need to give yourself a little slack. I know you are doing an excellent job. We all have our faults and we can't possibly be perfect. But you are doing an excellent job. I hope you were able to get some things done today. I must now get off my butt so that I can do the same!
Meg said…

I'm Nobody! Who Are You?
Poem lyrics of I'm Nobody! Who Are You? by Emily Dickinson.

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us - don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know!

How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one's name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

(And I bet Emily Dickinson sucked at housekeeping, too!!)
elizabeth said…
i agree; i m not alone either!!! laundry - well it gets done around once a month (i have to walk down 5 floors to do it), my kicthen. well. cluttered! i live in two rooms (plus ladies room of course) and these rooms are always messy. i am already planning on asking my spiritual sister to come over and help me clean come DV next Theophany so my apartment will be honourable for a house blessing... (never managed to do that last year when i moved in)...

and i have no children. just a cat and a job.

you know my parents house, i am told, was in a mess when i was a kid. i dont remember any mess. other than in my room! :) and you i can tell are present to your children.

that is a LOT and a lot of people do not know how to do this.

thanks for posting of Fr. Stephen's writings; we are so blessed to have the church and those in it's writings.

hope you sleep better - i know this is a huge drain on energy levels...
Anonymous said…
As one who knew you, back in the day, you impressed me then, and you still do. I don't like to do housework either, there are just so many other things to do in life.
I feel exactly like you do at times, but then I am reminded that the Saviors love for us is not judged by our house, it is how we treat others. It is without condition.
There is a broader picture to which we only have a small glimpse. Life is like a tapestry, by itself it is just a bunch of string, but together it is a work of art.
You are loved, and missed. I am so looking forward to the day when you are a short drive from me.
Chin up my dear.

Love, Joi
Elizabeth said…
I hope you are getting better nights rest now ?
I also have fibro and have had four nights of little sleep, and felt very downhearted as a result.
Be kind to yourself ! You work hard at home, feeding, teaching and caring for your family. That is a fulltime job by itself.

So the house may not be perfectly tidy, but I don't know anyone with children whose house is ever perfectly tidy :-)
Mine certainly isn't !!!!

Sending love and hugs from Elizabeth at The Garden Window.