I've been contemplating lately. Dangerous stuff. I was cleaning my kitchen and my floors while I was thinking today. Cleaning always involves many repetitions of the Jesus prayer, because I particularly don't like to clean, hate dealing with dirt, etc. So I force myself to make it a spiritual exercise. Makes it more palatable. I used to get really really angry whenever I had to clean, while I was cleaning, etc. I don't anymore, so I think there's been some growth there, over the years. The only remedy to the anger, though, is the Jesus Prayer.
But the stupid thing is, I can't even do that without another track in my brain being like: "Oh, wow! Aren't I cool? I'm cleaning my kitchen and praying the Jesus Prayer! Aren't I so very very spiritual? Yay, look at me. Wheeee! I'm praying the Jesus Prayer....etc."
Meanwhile, the other track in my brain is really trying hard: "Oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Oh Lord..."
And a third track in my brain: "Sheesh! I can't believe I'm having those thoughts. God, I'm so awful! I'm like a toddler who pees her pants and wets the bed all the time, and the one time I do go potty I feel like I ought to get some national recognition! Sheesh! Have mercy on me a sinner...back to the Jesus prayer track..."
And the DIRT that's coming out of my wet/dry vac (I clean it after it cleans my floors) is just amazing. Something to contemplate, pointing to a higher reality, surely.
So I'm doing all this cleaning (I went through an entire "magic eraser" sponge!) and I'm contemplating the fact that I have such a hard time seeing dirt until it gets really bad. Then I realized I have a hard time the same way with my sins. I just don't see them, and I gloss over them, ignore them, etc. But they are there all the time.
From a distance it might look OK, but up close...ugh. Up close it's pretty bad!
O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.