Last night I went to bed at 8:30 pm and slept for eleven hours. I didn't even hear my husband's snoring, which usually keeps me up half the night. That's one of the reasons I was so tired. It's been a mostly sleepless week.
I also went to bed fighting some very low feelings: Like, I'm a big fat(literally) nobody with a nothing life. I can't really delve into the whys or wherefores of those feelings, as just typing the words is bringing them back.
So, I'm a homemaker. But I'm not the good kind. I'm the kind with unfolded laundry and dubious kitchen floors. My house is the muggle version of the Weasley's place, the Burrow. Yay, rah. Who cares about homemakers? The world is certainly not impressed with me. And if I were getting a grade (I was always SO good in school!) it would not be a good one. Certainly not an "A".
I'm the kind of homemaker who would rather be cruising youtube for 9/11 conspiracy theory vids and researching the latest drama in the Autism community than mopping my floors or dusting. (By the way, Autism Speaks seems to have a bit of a eugenics bent to them: trying to develop a prenatal autism test. WHAT good would that do, except to encourage moms to abort their potentially autistic kids. Yikes. OK, so I've never had to deal with fecal smearing or intensive therapies, BUT STILL. What is the value of a human life?)
And I guess that's the gist of my question, and the gist of my negative feelings: What's the value of THIS human life? I'm only a small fraction of the person I thought I'd be when I grew up. I can't do it all. I'm a mediocre homemaker at the end of the earth.
But right now I really need to get off my butt and get some stuff done.