Monday, September 25, 2006

No way down from this cross

...and I"m tired
in a purple funk/depressed
I pretty much hate myself.
I try to bear up under the load that is my life in a saintly and prayerful way, but I fail miserably time and again.
tired of uncertaintly
tired of being in pain
tired of functioning with not enough resources (physical, financial, energy, name it)
tired of stupid people who have known me for years and still don't GET that while they go on to the next fun thing in their lives, I go home and crawl into bed.
tired of stupid self who treats me like I'm well when I'm sick
tired of dh not having a job
tired of getting up in the morning to cook breakfast
tired of the way it's like pulling chicken teeth to get people to take responsibility for cleaning up after themselves
tired of my hair
tired of the way I look
tired of the fact that each time I bend over to pick something up off the floor I can palpably feel my energy levels draining out of my body (and once it's gone it's gone for the day, forget whatever else I'd like to do).
tired of my lack of solitude
why does it have to be so hard to follow Christ?
tired of this cross
but there's no way down
so here I hang.


Susan Sophia said...

Alana, I love you! I don't know you except through this blog, but you are loved! THANK YOU so much for your openness and beautiful writing. It is absolutely an amazing feeling to know that such feelings are not completely my own which makes one feel they are completely alone in this world.
Thank you sweet Alana!
May God bring you a peace RIGHT NOW that is beyond understanding.
In HIS love,
Susan Sophia

Tabitha said...

Alana, this sounds so much like how I've been feeling lately, only more so. Pray for me, and God-willing, the next time I want to feel sorry for myself, I will say a prayer for you instead. By the way, you look great, your Sunday School lessons are helping me, and you inspire me in more ways than I can number. Remember what you said about Noah and adversity. We all feel alone in our suffering, and Satan wants it that way. The truth is, our common human nature shares these sufferings too. Communion is possible in the bad as well as the good. We just have to keep fighting the lie and being real about life--Says the woman who doesn't want to invite people over until her house doesn't look the way it really is :-)

alana said...

thanks for the kind words, you all. Group hug and all that.