Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Widowhood: Week 1

Today B and I went for a hike in Berea, after I'd dropped off a bag of forgotten-at-home items with one of my college kids.  The mountain we climbed was the same one Wes and I hiked about a year ago, and I could not help but think of him often.  I can't remember if our hike was before or after his brain surgery last September 28.  At any rate it was a very difficult climb for him that day and we had to stop and rest frequently.

Today I was very pleased with my own fitness improvements since last year, which made getting up to the top very easy indeed.

Yesterday I screwed up my courage to visit Wes' grave.  It was there, a mound of dirt.  The funeral flowers were in better shape than I had expected them to be, probably thanks to the rain we got the other day.

My days feel...calm.  The fear that went along with the anticipatory grief has lifted, since the thing that I was dreading has come to pass and is behind me now.  And for some reason, some of the fears that I had about this future I am now in (which I knew in my head were unrealistic fears) are no longer with me.  I've just been calm and sad.  Oh so sad.  The numbness lifted a bit last night since it was Monday night last week that Wes died, and I had my first REALLY BIG sobbing session.  I told God that crying would have to do for my evening prayers, and I crawled under my weighted blanket and fell asleep eventually.  So, yes, evenings are hard.

I was going to go out to a movie with some friends this evening,  but am staying at home with a head cold instead.  B and I played scrabble on our first evening at home alone after the others went back to college.

I've been managing.  There are tears.  I've been very intentional about long walks in nature, working out at the gym, reading good things, and staying hydrated....and making very very very specific to-do lists each day so that I don't just drift.  Wisdom tells me to rest and recuperate after what I've been through.  Part of me thinks I should pick up seasonal work with the holidays approaching.  I'm not interested in internet advice on that score.  I'll figure it out.

Mostly, I miss Wes.




12 comments:

Mat Anna said...

Sending you much love. You have been very much in my thoughts and prayers the past few weeks.
Mat. Anna

Paula Dullas said...

I'm thinking of you often. And praying. Hang in there!

Carie Maria Bowen said...

<3

Lisa said...

Thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

elizabeth said...

candle will be lit for you for many more days and nights..... everything about how to manage in such a state I read in these words. it's so good to face the pain but also do those things that help. prayers continued. You have been on a long hard road....

Judith said...

Hugs. Spunds like ypu are a wise person. God be with you!

Cathy Reed said...

Alana, Your courage and strength is amazing! I have sooooo had you and your family on my heart and mind this past week and just know that you are loved and prayed over. Thank you for allowing us to travel this journey with you. It is one that I can't even imagine. Big hugs and much love to you! Cathy

Invision_us said...

Sending love

Patsy Partin said...

Praying daily for you on this journey.

Shamassy Monica said...

Praying for you

Athena said...

praying for you

GretchenJoanna said...

Alana, I've followed your blog and your husband's illness and everything from somewhat of a distance, as until recently I was in the throes of grief myself, my husband having died in 2015. For the first months after he died this series of blog posts on grief, on Ancient Christian Wisdom, was incredibly helpful to me http://ancientchristianwisdom.com/?s=grief
Maybe you already know about them.

For me, after about two years my grief was not as debilitating. But I still have moments of feeling the unreality of the situation. How can I really be going on living after I've lost half my body and soul? It sounds like you are taking care of yourself. There might be something on my blog that would help, too - you can go there and put "grief" or "widowhood" in the search box. My situation was easier than yours, I think, and every couple and death and widow is unique, but there are certainly things we all share. I will keep you in my prayers!