Today B and I went for a hike in Berea, after I'd dropped off a bag of forgotten-at-home items with one of my college kids. The mountain we climbed was the same one Wes and I hiked about a year ago, and I could not help but think of him often. I can't remember if our hike was before or after his brain surgery last September 28. At any rate it was a very difficult climb for him that day and we had to stop and rest frequently.
Today I was very pleased with my own fitness improvements since last year, which made getting up to the top very easy indeed.
Yesterday I screwed up my courage to visit Wes' grave. It was there, a mound of dirt. The funeral flowers were in better shape than I had expected them to be, probably thanks to the rain we got the other day.
My days feel...calm. The fear that went along with the anticipatory grief has lifted, since the thing that I was dreading has come to pass and is behind me now. And for some reason, some of the fears that I had about this future I am now in (which I knew in my head were unrealistic fears) are no longer with me. I've just been calm and sad. Oh so sad. The numbness lifted a bit last night since it was Monday night last week that Wes died, and I had my first REALLY BIG sobbing session. I told God that crying would have to do for my evening prayers, and I crawled under my weighted blanket and fell asleep eventually. So, yes, evenings are hard.
I was going to go out to a movie with some friends this evening, but am staying at home with a head cold instead. B and I played scrabble on our first evening at home alone after the others went back to college.
I've been managing. There are tears. I've been very intentional about long walks in nature, working out at the gym, reading good things, and staying hydrated....and making very very very specific to-do lists each day so that I don't just drift. Wisdom tells me to rest and recuperate after what I've been through. Part of me thinks I should pick up seasonal work with the holidays approaching. I'm not interested in internet advice on that score. I'll figure it out.
Mostly, I miss Wes.