Saturday, August 30, 2014

A Slice of Life

I am determined to start blogging again. About the ordinary things, about life, and also about Wes' cancer journey, and my journey with him.

It's hard.  I'll start with the cancer stuff.  He's doing pretty well.  He just had his seventh monthly chemo treatment (usually the protocol stops at six of those) and since then, he seems to have developed a new allergy.  He already developed an allergy to ivory soap, and now there is a food he is reacting to...hives, itching, rash.  It's either apples (his lifelong favorites) or coffee.  Neither will be easy for him to eliminate.  Obviously his system has reached an end, or at least a new level of not-loving-chemo.  He's done so well for so long.  We have much to be grateful for.

It is difficult to know what the tumor is doing with the MRIs only every three months.  Just a couple more weeks, and we'll have another one, and then we will get a snapshot of where we are at currently.  He's more tired than ever, and is sad and depressed, unmotivated.  The grass in front of our house is getting quite tall.  I keep thinking I can get to it, but I have not done it yet, either.

I still struggle with low energy.  I guess I always will.  I get up and go and do and then hit that wall.  I have so many ideas and projects that I want to do and implement, but I run out of energy and am utterly spent.  I'm doing better than I have in the past, but not as well as I want to be doing or need to be doing.  I need to exercise more, but it doesn't ADD to my energy it's hard to be motivated to do it, even thought I am very unfit and it would benefit me least in theory.

My two younger kids are enrolled in High School now.  They are both juniors.  Our Homeschooling days are over.  Dare I say "at last"?  AT LAST!!!!!  I was not loving it the past couple of years.  I could kiss all their teachers for taking that burden off of my shoulders.  My two older daughters both got their GEDs this past summer.  Maia is working and learning to drive.  Feels like another item on my to do list.  She bought herself a car with her own money.  This mama is proud.

B is at Dormitian monastery this weekend.  She rode up with a friend from Church.  I hope their time is blessed.  It is her first visit to a monastery.

So, that's the macro overview.

Today was fairly ordinary.  Got up, coffee, breakfast, know the drill.  Wes and I went to the Farmer's Market to pick up our weekly milk and egg order from our farmer.  While we were there we sat down on a bench together and listened to two guys playing gospel music.  I wish we could have heard more than two songs, but it was almost noon when we got there...time to pack up.

Fortunately for us, our car ran quite well there and back again today.  Last week, the gas pedal stopped working and I coasted, going slower and slower and slower for about TWO MILES, across the Sherman Minton bridge (uphill until the top of the bridge and then we started picking up speed again).  Last week I'd estimated the distance to be half a mile, perhaps three quarters...but no, today we measured it, and it was two miles!!!!  So last week we did the tow truck, walk to farmer's market and rent a car for two days rigamarole, and it turned out to be the car's COMPUTER needing an upgrade, of all things!!!!!  Thank God it was still under warranty!  I'm glad there were no "adventures" going to the farmer THIS week.

And then this afternoon I decided to clean and reorganize my work space in my room.  We moved some furniture (just a little bit) and I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more.  Several bags to go to the thrift store and at least one very full bag of trash.  It looks great in that corner now, almost (still have a bit more to do maybe tomorrow or Monday) and I hope it will make it easier for me to work on my little sewing projects and etsy shop orders.

I wish I had more energy.  Life with no energy feels lonely sometimes....often I am on the sidelines, peeking in to other people's fun lives via facebook or blogs or whatnot...and I'm just sitting here exhausted, and my husband is sitting there, exhausted, and it seems like we never DO anything...except go to the doctor and pay medical bills.

And so that, dear friends, is a slice of my life.  I sure hope I can make it to Church tomorrow and not be in too much pain or fatigue to hold myself upright on a pew.  (Yes that happens.  Sometimes even sitting is too hard).  Geeez I sound depressed.  Sorry. 


MamaBirdEmma said...

I wish that I was nearby to mow and help you clean. We're praying for you both (especially at every Liturgy!).

Matushka Anna said...

I do wish you would give some consideration to setting up one of those caring calendars, or whatever they're called. I would love to be able to drop by and help you with cleaning or errands or just have a cup of coffee with you. ((Hugs))

Alana said...

I will ask for the caring calendar when things get more dire. As of now we are still muddling along closer to "normal" than not. The crisis will come, unless God wills otherwise, in time. Wes will likely have surgery at some point, and I will for sure need meals then. that will be the time to ask for help. there is such a thing as "care fatigue"....if we ask for help when we only sort of need it, people won't help us when we are desperate. At least that's my theory. People with long term chronic illness don't usually get much help unless it's from family.

mamajuliana said...

Glad to see you posting again. The ordinary stuff is hard when all the extra-ordinary of life closes in on us. Wish I was closer

monica said...

Please do keep blogging. All the real stuff. You have been on my heart lately and I check in often to see how you are doing. I am not that far away and can come for a day to clean, hangout, shop. I could even bring a really cute baby with me which is good medicine for everyone. :) carrying you in my heart.