I didn't really know that heartache ACTUALLY makes your heart ache. But I know now. It does. I am so sad, and Wes is so stinking positive. I just want to curl up in a ball under the covers and cry for the rest of my forever. Meanwhile Wes is busy researching, and figuring out where to go to get a second opinion, learning about treatment options, and being all pro-active. Of course he is. He is the most stubborn man alive, and right now, I'm so glad for it. Knowing him, his stubborn will take him far in this cancer battle.
It is utterly depressing to think of a two year survival time of being a good outcome and outside the norm.
In my mind is the constant question: What will I DO? I'm one of those "lame" women who has never worked outside the home. I've been a stay at home mom all of my marriage, other than being in grad school for a few years. I graduated with my M.Div. in 1995. After that it was diapers, breastfeeding, teaching kids to read, cooking, playing at the park and endless loads of laundry. And then it was raising older kids, and cooking and endless loads of laundry. Now, it's a house full of teenagers, and cooking and endless loads of laundry. And no matter how much I do to try and get healthier and take care of my health, it feels like I am ALWAYS hitting a wall in that department. I still have very low energy, and quite frankly, I need lots of help. And my help is deathly ill now.
I keep looking at my wedding rings, wondering how much longer I will get to wear them.I've never been a widow before, and I'm not one yet, I know. But there's a good chance I will be. And soon. I am so sad.
How will I cope when my fibromyalgia is really bad? What will my children do?
I need to find someone who can teach Maia how to drive a car. And Eric, too, when he turns 16 next August. I'm going to push him to go ahead and get his license asap. Bethany is disabled and should not/does not drive,and for Ariana that is yet a year away.
Meanwhile, I'll be driving Wes to radiation and work daily for the next six weeks, or so. I should probably just focus on the NOW and stop thinking about the future.
We will be setting up a fundraising website this weekend, so that people can help us. Chemo, radiation, and brain surgery, is very expensive.
We put up the Christmas tree yesterday. Trying to be as normal as possible.
Oh, my heart aches.