Sunday, April 08, 2012

Palm Sunday Fail

It was such a blessing yesterday to be able to go to Church and receive communion on Lazarus Saturday.

But that was yesterday.

Today: Palm Sunday Fail.

I was there. I arrived at about 10:20 and stood in the narthex while a baby was being churched. I could feel my energy leaving me at that point. You see, I was barely able to make it in the first place.

That's how my days have been. I do one thing, and I'm exhausted. I plan my days around much needed naps and the rest of the family is picking up my slack.

Almost like when I had mono. No, wait. JUST LIKE WHEN I HAD MONO! (Do I still have mono? Well, as soon as the blood work comes back, we will know.)

Meanwhile, back to my Palm Sunday fail...

So I make it in to churhc. I sit. I can barely hold myself up. Misery. The antiphons are a blur. So is the Epistle and Gospel reading. During the homily I put my head on Wes' shoulder and just drift. Jesus is King. OK, got that. Jesus needs to be King of my whole life. Yeah, well, He is. He's KING of this here sick person. And it seems his Kingly will not to heal me. I drift.

Then I had to escape and use the ladies room. Since we sit up front, it's a long walk of shame down the side aisle. I'm embarrassed by my wooden gait and by how sick I feel so I keep my head down. Everyone looks so healthy and beautiful.

I finally get to the ladies room. I greet some gorgeous healthy looking woman who is exiting. I'm alone in there so I let myself sob for a bit.

When I woke up this morning, my eyes had dark orange-brown circles around them, like I'd been beaten up. My face looked distorted and swollen. But I was determined. Trowel on the make-up and off I went.

Too bad make-up can't fix what's broken on the inside.

And truth be told, it didn't really do a good job of hiding my misery.

After a bit, Wes found me in the narthex and took me home. I crawled into bed.

I'm sick, ya'll. I'm so sick. And it just doesn't go away, and it never seems to get better.

On Friday I was at the doctor's. We go the results of my hair analysis back. I have copper levels that are WAY too high and it's throwing lots of other things out of whack....causing anemia for one thing.

Too high copper levels can cause fatigue, depression, alleriges, dyslexia, spaciness, anxiety, phobias...all these things I have. But to call it fatigue sounds too mild. It's the kind of fatigue not that you get after a good day's work. No, it's the SICK kind. When you have the flu and you can't stay upright for a second longer. That's how I feel every blessed day. NOt every moment. There are some moments when I have a bit of energy...when I feel approaching normal but that fatigue is lurking there and it does strike and I never know WHEN it will strike.

So there's the copper thing. There's the anemia thing. There's the fibromyalgia thing. and I"m waiting to find out if my mono is still active.

While she was taking blood, she's testing me for CMV and Lyme as well.

God's will be done, God's will be done, God's will be done. So I missed Palm Sunday Eucharist and the lovely procession. God's will be done. I"m sorry this post is such a downer. Here's a picture of my lovely dark rings around my eyes. I swear I look like I have a movie makeup job of a "sick person". LOL.

5 comments:

elizabeth said...

I am sorry; this is really hard; just remember that you did not fail and I can tell you are trying so hard. (((hugs))) and I wish I could make it better for you. Will light a candle for you tonight.

Janelle thegeekywife said...

Continued prayers, Alana Juliana. Thanks be to God Wes was there to drive you home. And I agree with Elizabeth-- any effort to pray or worship is not a fail. Disappointing to miss the procession & Eucharist? Yes, I can see that. But it wasn't a failure. Hugs. I hope the doctors can provide some answers & comfort.

s-p said...

To even show up in your situation is a "victory", not a "fail". There is no shame in weeping when it seems life and God have abandoned you to suffering. Even Jesus and the Theotokos wept. God knows the intentions of your heart and the limits of your strength and faith. He may not tell you "Why?", but Holy Week tells us He is here with us. May you endure to your Resurrection.

Sarah -in- USA said...

I do not know you, I was looking for a good post on the 12 Gospels and I found yours of a few years ago.
You are way more brave than I am. I fully sympathize with you and I will think of you and pray for you. I cannot make it to Church, not so much because of my physical ailment as to my psychological/emotional relationship with God which has been in cahoots for 6 years now.
You are so, so brave.
May the Lord be with you always.

Saponaria said...

I'm so sorry. I relate so much. I always do when I read your blog. I know how heroic it was that you even went to church. I didn't even try this past Sunday. I've been sick lately and for whatever reason last week my BP was spiking so bad that I was having migraines and flecks of light in my peripheral vision. I've spent the week in bed feeling so guilty about all the things I need and want so badly to get done but never have the strength or energy to do. I've been saving up my strength for the Paschal Liturgy tonight. But I'm really worried about how I'm going to deal with it. I can't handle a lack of sleep well at all. ...Marcella