Friday, March 30, 2012

Watchfulness at Night

This lent has been weird for me. I've had all this mental focus on my freaky health issues and the expensive tests for them, like the MRI. And then there's been making decisions about my oldest's care and medical treatment. And then there's been juggling the GAPS diet and the GFCF diet in our family and trying, trying, and certainly not doing it very well, or not being ABLE to do it very well...to eat less meat. Every fasting period, I watch Eric lose weight and deterioroate. We are at the official point of him not being able to focus on his school work. And this is WITH our family still eating fish (which he refuses) and chicken (which he will eat a small amount of).

(Please, no comments on how to get him to eat. He's a teenager and at this point it's really up to him. And when he was wee...well, force feeding and causing him to vomit are NOT good parenting choices in my opinion. Ancient history.)

So for him, and his anemic undernourished self, beef is back on the menu. I hope htis means he can focus on his school work better.

Why do I share that here? I guess I do so to share my lenten struggle. This is what I'm dealing with day in day out. I'm dealing with the stress of finding out too late, two months in a row that dd needs a refill on a certain medication, we find out on Thursday evening that she only has doses through Saturday and I may not be able to get it filled until Tuesday because her doctor has a three day waiting period on refills...stresses like that. Why, you ask, do we not keep better track? Ah, I ask myself the same question and the answer comes down to a perfect storm of us trying to give more and more responsibility for meds management over to our almost 18 year old, and the fact that Wes and I are always, forever and perpetually maxed out. Each day hold more work and responsibilities than we have energy and strength for. There are never quite enough "spoons".

So in all of this it is easy for me not to make it to lenten services. Going is a torture. They are in the evening during the time of day when I literally feel ill. Daily, I wake up fatigued. I rest for a couple of hours in my chair with my feet up, then start school and do any chores or errands I need to or must fit in. On many days, by 4 pm I am feeling like I have the flu. Yesterday the fatigue and aches and weak legs hit me at about 2 pm while I was in Walmart getting groceries. I still had to finish that, take B to a therapy appointment and then run to Costco before home again. We made it home by 5:30. I had a cup of coffee at 2:45 on the way to the appointment. The devil is in the details: coffee now for safer driving abilities on I-65 and at rush hour, or no coffee, extreme fatigue and dangerous driving in exchange for the hope of a better night of sleep.

Needless to say I picked the coffee. I knew what I was choosing and was not disappointed. So last night sleep was hard to come by until after 1. And my upstairs neighbor...he gets up for the early shift around five. He's quiet, but even his normal footsteps wake me up. I don't think I ever really sleep deep. My doctor and I are discussing this.

Today, I am grateful, grateful, grateful that I have no appointments. Just at home work and perhaps, just for fun a quick zip over to Hobby Lobby so I can do some etsy shop sewing.

Holy Week Approaches and all this, at least, I am learning to offer up to God. All the weakness and tiredness and stress. It's more than I can handle, but it's not more than God can handle.

So I'm grateful, in an odd way for the watchfulness that I have at night. I say I never have private time. But I do. All those hours of not sleeping ARE good for something.

2 comments:

elizabeth said...

thinking of you. God will not abandon us.

Lisa said...

I realize that blogs are primarily a vent and not a request to be fixed ... but check with your pharmacy on the refills. Most have email reminder services, smartphone apps to let you order refills, all sorts of tools to help keep that at least under control.

Thanks for continuing to write through all that you have on your plate.