Saturday, January 30, 2010

Reality Bites

Sometimes I wish I had a total fantasy life to present on this or another blog that was completely divorced from the reality and stress of my life. It would have pretty artsy craftsy things on it. It would be creative. There would be lace doilies, old fashioned tatting and teapots. There would be classical music and bits of lace and flower printed fabric in charming concoctions for spring time.

Perhaps there would be idyllic snow scenes and spiritual thoughts about positive things.

Oh, and the house would be clean, clean, clean.

Today my back has been hurting. I'm so glad I have a chiropractor's visit this week, coming up.

I got to go to Divine Liturgy this morning and had a LONG coffee "date" with a dear friend who has been out of town for a while. It was SO nice to catch up. What a blessing!

My oldest feels like she's a total mess. Actually she is. But today she learned that one form of prayer is to simply gaze at an icon. She says "Oh, maybe I'm not toast!"

Her tardive dyskinesia is OUT OF CONTROL. Really really bad right now. Communication happens at such a high stratospheric vocal pitch that it literally hurts my ears. There's lots of flopping, thumping and involuntary twitching and arm and leg jerking. Sometimes she can't talk, or her words come out really really slowly. And often too loudly.

Somehow, by God's grace, the patience is there, although I don't know how. God's grace. I guess I do know how, but it's all Him and not me. So, I carry on.

Monday we see the doctor again. We still don't have a new doctor. I wish we did. Someone fabulous and understanding and amazing and very very talented and smart. I think I need a video camera so that I can film B's TD so that the doctor can see it.

We are still wrangling with the insurance, and paying out of network for her current less-than-wonderful doctor who is so very medication happy. Meanwhile, there are no child-psychiatrists in our network, except for in Lexington or Cincinnatti, and THEY aren't taking new patients.

I feel like I am full of tears. Sometimes those tears overflow. And sometimes I remember that I have three other kids to care for and raise as well, and I see them in the background along for this very bumpy ride that is our life, and I hope they are getting from us what they need. I hope God's grace is sufficient for them as well.

In all of this, I know one thing for sure: God will be glorified in all of this. Somehow, someday: He will be glorified. I have this inner certainty about this, even as B is thrashing and shouting and castigating herself and crying on the couch and hitting herself in the head and cursing.

Pray for us. May God be glorified.


amy said...

I will be praying for you - for all of you. I can't imagine what you're going through, but you are right, God's grace does sustain us through the worst of trials.

May God have mercy, granting you peace that passes understanding...

Ruth said...

Alana, this sounds so difficult. Praying for you.

elizabeth said...

wow. still offering my small prayers. Lord help us!

Rebecca said...


lisa said...

Oh, Alana. I'll be praying for all of you. Poor B. I so love that girl.

Victoria said...

So far away in both space and experience that I don't even know what to say, except Love You.

Laura said...

I'll keep praying.

Anonymous said...

God help you.

Must it though be a child psychiatrist? I was in a situation like your daughter's, and at age 16 I began to see regular psychiatrists, and it all worked out fine.

We pray for you.

Philippa said...

My aunt suffered with the same thing as B. Keep steady and searching. Someone and something will turn up that will work.

God be praised and may His strength fill all.

thegeekywife said...

Lord have mercy.
St Panteleimon, holy and well-pleasing to God, intercede for Bethany, her parents and siblings, and her doctors.

suzy said...

I've been a reader of your blog for a while but only commented a couple of times.
Just wanted to say, I will kepp you in my prayers.
God Bless