Wednesday, October 29, 2008 God wills.....

Well, after my brilliant report this morning, today, I'm slow to launch. The last bits are the hardest, including getting the laundry sorted, and deciding what to put in suitcases and what goes into boxes and doing the same in the kitchen. I bought paper plates.

I went to Kinko's this morning to fax some medical forms to a new doc for my daughter, to expedite getting her seen hopefully next week. Wes had spoken on the phone with someone from there two days ago to get their fax number. So I spend eighteen dollars plus on a long distance fax, only to get a call while I'm in Walmart telling me they are NOT taking new patients right now.

Mega Grrrrrrr.

But I need to say instead: As God wills. I have been praying that we can find the right care provider for my dd, and so perhaps this is part of how it will work out. We need some divine intervention, what with our "make phone calls until we find someone taking new patients and who takes our insurance" method of going about this. It is difficult, at best. Nerve-wracking, self-pity inducing and grief causing at worst. I try to be calm and together.

So, I'm at Walmart and I get that phone call, and it sends me for a loop. I gather the few items I need today, such as paper plates and beans to put in a crock of chili. Oh, and FELT to make DONKEY EARS for an impromptu Sunday School play being held out on the land our parish has bought (future site, blah blah blah) TONIGHT. This was billed as a "last hurrah to say goodbye to the Sheldahl kids." Balam's Ass. I have to make Donkey ears. Fortunately for me, the hot glue gun is in an open topped tool box on the back porch and not buried underneath mounts of cardboard and tape like most of the rest of my possessions. But still. This is NOT what love feels like to me. As God wills.

And once I get out to the parking lot, I realize that I FORGOT THE FREAKIN' SMART BALANCE MARGARINE, which is a small thing, really, but a thing we really need and (oh the irony!) the very item I originally went to Walmart for. So I trundle down to my car, wishing fervently I had a handicapped sticker for it, since it was at the bottom of the lot and by now my legs were dragging (fibro thing), unload my groceries and trundle myself back into the store. Wouldn't you know the margarine lives at the very back in the dairy section? More steps from my daily limited amount being taken. Energy drain happening fast.

But I survived.

When I was complaining the other day at Church about how achy the fasting makes me (fibro/hypoglycemia thing) a brother said to me: "As God wills." I felt gently corrected and decided to take it to heart, and try to make this my prayer: "As God wills." And to do so joyfully. Especially when things aren't going my way or my legs aren't working right or my daughter is not doing well. I'll still try my best though, in all things. As God wills.


Liz in Seattle said...

Thanks for the reminder. Even if you don't feel like saying it, you're still one step up from me, who often either forgets the phrase exists, or (even worse) purposefully doesn't say it at all. So you're getting there :-)

Hang in there!

Mimi said...

As God wills. I love it.

Hugs as you move, and love and prayers.

elizabeth said...

yes... i hear you... but also fasting is per person and the spiritual father; if one has pain already (which is a form of ascetism) and fasting makes things worse, it may be worth asking one's priest and/or spiritual father about... (as well as knowing your own wishes on it..)