I think one of the reasons I'm feeling so down today is plain old envy. I have to struggle against that particular sin a great deal. I have a propensity in that direction, I guess.
I was reading blogs and was reading about a life long dream that got fulfilled in a miraculous way for someone. I'm happy for her. Really, I am.
And yet, envy rears its ugly head.
God knows my wishes. My dreams.
But somehow those are never the right ones.
Because He always says "no".
I despair of even knowing how to pray anymore. Because God always says "no". And as the years go by, I am able to look back at how often I thought I was asking for bread, but was really asking for a stone. And God said "no" and gave me bread instead.
So, I take a deep breath, and learn to pray "Thy will be done." Again and again I must practice this. And it is so difficult. And it is so hard. Hard because my eyes deceive me, and I still find myself reaching for the stones.
Perhaps I learn. I cast all my desires down onto the ground and I dare not even pick them up to examine them. And I repeat my refrain "Thy will be done" by sheer stubborn force of will. My emotions have not caught up yet.
And my life is so small, it seems.
And what if....what if...when all is said and done, and I have finally learned to desire ONLY GOD....
...what if He does not give Himself to me?
...oh God have mercy on me...