I'll be 38. I don't care about being 38. It's a fine age, and all that, but for some reason my birthday leaves me nothing but GRUMPY and it has nothing to do with getting older.
For some reason I mentally add all this pressure to my birthday, that it's not possible to fulfill. Like, I want the day to be special or something. And it never is. It's always in January, it's always gray.
I wish Wes would take me out to dinner and a movie, spend some time with me. I wish I felt special. But I don't. It's not him. It's just life.
I have decided that I'm not going to make myself a cake or buy myself a cake. If my family wants me to have a cake, they can find a way. And I refuse to bake a cake on my birthday for the kids to have just because they expect birthday cake. Know what I mean?
Today I'm feeling particularly blue and not just because of my upcoming b-day. I suppose I should sneak out back and pray for a while. I think part of my problem is that it's COLD out, too cold to walk much more than a mile, and I have a really nasty head cold, so not enough exercise this week.
I'm so stuffed up I can't even taste anything.
And my favorite blue wool sweater, the one that looked perfect on me, went through the dryer and is SHRUNK. I had to give it to my teeny tiny daughter. She says it's soft. Sob.
And so many (all) of my clothes are so shabby looking, being several-years-old-handmedowns that I want to go nowhere in them. But what's the use in buying anything new when I'm trying to loose weight?
If only THAT were going well! I've probably lost some weight this week, but that's what I thought LAST week, when I gained 1.8 pounds to put me less than five pounds lighter than when I started this effort last NOVEMBER. Aren't I a fool? I feel foolish about the whole thing and somehow destined always to look like a ridiculous potato.
I'm just way beyond grumpy, aren't I?
So now I've inflicted my foul mood on my blog. I betcha anything this is PMS. Time for some non-dairy hot chocolate.
3 heaping spoonsfull of cocoa powder
pinch of salt
dollop of vanilla
Splenda and to taste (at least as much as cocoa)
a stevia packet or two
boiling hot water
Coleman sleeping bag
That's what I need. I'm so pathetic.