There really is such a thing as peace that passes all understanding. I have lived it this past week. Mostly. I had some bad moments last Monday when she went catatonic and I didn't know what was going on, before all the medical testing was done.
I'm still processing everything I lived through, so the blogging will be much about all of this for a while, I"m afraid.
It's something holy, helping a helpless human being. We do it all the time with our infants, but when a person is physically mature (or more mature) and yet helpless, see the holiness of it becomes more obvious. The vulnerability of the very young, very old, and mentally infirm was highlighted for me. "Whatever you have done unto the least of these..." came to mind as I watched my intelligent, brilliant teenage daughter grasp a popsicle by the frozen part like a baby would, forget how to chew and swallow and loose all sense of self dignity.
We have such the wrong idea of what life is, if we think it's about financial stability, or meeting career goals, or looking good, or feeling good, or anything like that. Life is about that journey towards God. Nothing more, nothing less. And nothing but our own choices can take that journey away from us. God have mercy on me and forgive me for my worries! That's going to be a big struggle for me in all of this, I think. As a mother, too, I long to drag my children along with me into heaven. Lord have mercy on us all.
Everything's changed. There's a new dynamic at work here. A liminality: time outside of time in which there is a waiting, a preparation for that which is to come. That's all that life is, anyway. And Reality breaks in with "Blessed is the Kingdom of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit" on a regular basis to remind me of what is really real, and of how very much dust I am (and all of this is, really). And the truth is, everything's changing has nothing really to do with my daughter getting sick, or anything like that. This just afforded, perhaps, a better glimpse of reality for now, before the wool is pulled over my eyes again.