Warning: Beee-otchy Self-Flagellating Rant

So, a friend took my photo last night. I'm extremely camera shy, and it was somewhat excruciating, but I love her and she's moving, so I let hr. Yipes! I'm fat! (despite what the very generous and kind Melania thinks.)

I'm at that point where I want to cry about it. I get this way sometimes, and it usually is a harbinger of change. I threw away my old useless scale that was ludicrously inaccurate a few weeks ago. The scale was one of those where you get on it, and it gives you weight A, then you get off and it stops at the 5 pound mark instead of zero, you adjust it, then you step on it again, and you get A-5, etc. So, who knows. The scale had to go.

But I feel like I have no lifeline, and that I'm drowning. Drowning in an ocean of daily less-than-perfect choices. I can step back and KNOW what the problem is, but when it comes down to it, I have trouble making better choices.

It's been like this ever since I gave up artificial sweeteners, diet sodas included. I've been cheating and allowing myself too many "just this once" sugar indulgences". Sunday's are especially difficult. My whole parish gets to watch me fail, and I SO feel like I'm always on display. And the crappy thing is, not only does it make me fat, it makes my muscles hurt, too. So, why am I destroying myself thus?

One reason is, that I'm trying to provide the foods my daughter needs to be healthy (gluten and casein free) and the making of them means I have less energy to make the lower carb things that I need and I end up grabbing whatever's available when I'm crashing.

Every time I go to confession, I confess eating too much, eating the wrong foods. Yes, I know in a broad spectrum sort of way that I have a big problem. I even know some of the foods that give me trouble: Panera pastries at Church, Tortilla chips, pop corn, and plain Cheerios. I ought to switch to low fat/fat free milk products but....sigh. It's funny that I feel guilty about the 1 gram of sugar in Cheerios, but have no qualms about making a "just this once" exception and popping a brownie inmy mouth, where the guilt comes AFTER the fact, not in time to stop me. Dense. And I use too much oil in my cooking. Those are my culinary sins, and they add up, don't they?

Part of me wants to do Weight Watchers, and I HATE weight watchers. This desire is a symptom of how desperate I feel. Ten bucks a week for annoying support and the chance to step onto an accurate scale. Accountability, commerically packaged for my convenience.

Wes, of course, does NOT want to have to pay for weight watchers. That's probably good, on a macro-financial level, but it's just sort of enhances that feeling of drowning that I have. Floundering on my own. Being alone in this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know I'm PMSing, but that does not make how I feel less real.

I'd better go for a walk. But that's the other thing: I've been hit hard with the fibro lately (in part because of my bad food choices, I know) and YET, I still force myself out the door almost every morning, for a four mile walk. It's hard to be happy about walking, even though I theoretically LOVE it, when I'm aching all over.

OK, that's my rant. Now I'll let guilt drive me out the door for some exercise.


gemma said…
What about a circle of internet friends who are also dieting alone? Everyone needs company and support......what do you think?
Meg said…
DON'T do Weight Watchers. You know you hate it, and there are good reasons to hate it. I still have my booklet from 2005. I kept it so that when some d*** doctor got on my case about my weight, I could show that I'd done WW, and it hadn't done me an ounce of good.

Take care of YOU, by doing the low-carb thing first. You can work in the healthy cooking stuff around that for your daughter, but take care of YOU first. Love you! sez the Fellow Sufferer in weight-loss battles.
Alana said…
Gemma, great idea. Are you suggesting we start one, or just giving me an idea?

Meg, you are so right. I just need support. Accountability. And a scale.
DebD said…
I find Sunday's after church to be the worst too- especially during fasting periods when there are NO choices.

gemma said…
alana -- I think we (read you or someone other than me because I don't know about setting up any computer internet anything but) should start one....you're one and I'm two and there must be more of us out there.....or here.

I kind of picture a more than once a week place to go with a weekly weight report (maybe not posting the big number but merely a goal number and then how close to goal we get) ... I don't know...but I sense this is something that can be done and can work...
Joyful Days said…
I've been reading your blog for quite a while (I think I landed here via a "debd" recommendation), but I had to tell you that I totally relate to this post. I know what I need to do, but I am not doing it and it circles until I feel caught in a whirlpool. It always seems life is getting in the way of what I "need" to do.

You've motivated me to want to start walking again. I know I need to. Maybe my eating choices will improve if I do.

Thanks for sharing & being so transparent. You blessed me.
Anonymous said…
I got rid of my old scales too. I could change my weight by 6lb in either direction by shifting them about the bathroom floor :-/ Don't waste your hard-earned cash on WW either. When I tried it I had such a bad feeling about giving money to a megacorp to stop me eating when there are so many hungry people who could eat on what I was giving them.
gemma said…
see? Joyful Days might make 3 and so on and so on ..... come on Alana -- you know how to do this and I don't...you are a motivator and you know about this computer stuff
Alana said…
Actually, it's not me who is good at computer stuff, it's my husband, but he said he could get us set up with something. Keep checking this blog for updates.
Grace said…
Boy, when I read this I had to check that I didn't write it myself somehow. Panera pastries -- check! "Just one more" -- check, check!

WW -- I really *wanted* to like Weight Watchers. It still seems like one of the healthiest diet options. The only problem is ... it doesn't work. For me at least. The best I can do with WW is lost about 10 pounds and then maintain it while still obsessing about food constantly. AND paying $9/week for the privilege.

I'll check back to see what you do for sure. I don't know if a long-distance newbie can get involved, but I'm constantly and actively struggling with my weight and would appreciate anything that would help.

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