Are you TIRED of your undisciplined thought life?
Has your DOMESTIC SITUATION got you DOWN?
Do you SECRETLY WISH you had joined a monastery?
ARE YOU CONVINCED that if you were a monastic it would be SO MUCH EASIER TO PRAY?????
Well, weep no more, because PLASTOCHRISTODOULOS, Inc. has the SOLUTION FOR YOU!!!!!:
For only 3 easy payments of $19.95 (Alaskan) or $25.95 (Canadian) you can become the proud owner of our newest spiritual growth enhancement product, the INFLATANABBOTT (tm) and for women the INFLATANABBESS(tm)!
Your ABBOT/ABBESS-product comes in a discreet brown package, delivered directly to your door via your national postal service. No one has to know but you!
After you blow up your INFLATANABBOTT(tm) it can be dressed in our authentic monastic garb (sold separately).
Your INFLATANABBOTT(tm) product is guaranteed to bring your spiritual life to a new level! No longer will you only have your drab parish priest to complain to!!! You can complain to your INFLATANABBOTT(tm) all day long, practice making confession and have imaginary conversations with your INFLATANABBOTT(tm) in which you embrace all those things you already know you should be doing!
Observe how life can be transformed:
Mowing the lawn is no longer just a chore, for with your INFLATANABBOTT(tm) standing by, it becomes an obedience, a venue for saying the Jesus Prayer and being meek and humble! You finally can be the beneficiary of what psychologists have known for generations: the grass truly IS greener in another pasture (see Psalm 22 (LXX), Kathisma III)!
Cleaning the Kitchen, cooking, wiping dirty bottoms, reading bed-time stories, folding mountains of laundry: all so much easier when your home becomes like a little monastery thanks to your INFLATANABBESS(tm)!
Your commute becomes a time of blessing and not cursing, when road rage and cursing is transformed into soul-illumining prayer thanks to the INFLATANABBOTT(tm) riding shot-gun!
No longer will you be tempted to waste your evenings watching mindless TV, for with the INFLATANABBOTT(tm) in your living room, Kathismas are the order of the day!
DON"T WAIT! ORDER NOW! Plastochristodoulos, Inc. has operators standing by and waiting for YOUR IMPORTANT CALL! 1-555-ABBOTTS
INFLATANABBOTT..........3 easy payments of $19.95 (Alaskan) or $25.95 (Canadian)
INFLATANABBESS.........3 easy payments of $19.95 (Alaskan) or $25.95 (Canadian)
His-n-Hers sets..............5 easy payments of $19.95 (Alaskan) or $25.95 (Canadian) (That's a 20% discount!!!)
Authentic monastic garb......$200 Alaskan or $250 Canadian (if ordering separately from your Plastochristodoulos product, please specify gender),
Schema monk add-on...........$50.00 Alaskan or $60 Canadian (makes a GREAT GIFT!)
Shipping and handling charges apply.
Warning: Results may vary. Use at your own risk. Not a sexual toy. Not officially endorsed by the Orthodox Church. May increase symptoms of convertitis. May have sexual side effects, including but not limited to lenten erectile disfunction or early menopause. Do not use near open flame or in a swimming pool or baptismal font. Not a lifesaving flotation device. Do not leave children unattended.