So, me and the three girls went swim suit shopping this evening. Like I said: Oh, the horror! But, I felt like it would be good for us to find appropriate swim attire for the coming season since last year's suits no longer quite are the thing.
Off to wallyland in pursuit of the american dream: swim wear magic that will erase the wear and tear of four babies, NOT coordinate with the color of my varicose veins (heard on this trip: "Hey mom, on the back of your leg, it looks like it's going to burst open!"--"Gee thanks kid, I"ll be sure to aim it in your direction when it does!"), and lift that which sags, cover that which bulges, and oh, so much more: look cute and fashionable to boot?
Ain't gonna happen. Brown is a popular color this season and I was hoping for something Marilynesque in brown. HAHAHAHAHA! OK, now that we've gotten over that particular fanasy, reality sets in.
Uuuuuuugly: here's the definition. Size XL with giant pink hibiscus flowers splashed all over a black background. Yeah, that's gonna make my butt look smaller. Neeeext!
Ah, yes, the cute little navy blue swimdress....with the big bright blue animal striped tie thingy across the bust line...just where I need to call attention to, yah, right! (OK, the only time I've ever seen that shade of blue naturally occurring on an animal's body was a particular monkey butt at the zoo one time. That ought to be a new crayola crayon color: Monkey Butt Blue. Hey, what color are these super cool placemats? Monkey Butt Blue, of course, it's the latest fashion trend, donchaknow?...yeah, moving right along.)
And then there was the kicky little two piece apparently designed to look like a tennis outfit, white on top and black on the bottom, compete with shlwwwp fabric underneath on the bottom, but alas not on the top. (You all know what I mean by shlwwwwp fabric, admit it...it's never included in the swim suits you actually want to be SEEN in, KWIM?) Unfortunately, no amount of shlwwwp is going to take off the extra twenty that seem to be lingering right around my mid section, and with it only on the bottom...well, the term muffin top comes to mind.
Let's just say, my girls are forever traumatized by this experience. They all found really cute swimsuits, of course, so I'm happy for them. In the end, I did come up with something to pass muster, without screaming hibiscus flowers, or monkey butt blue animal print tie thingies, or mismatched shlwwwwp fabric, so all went well.
I need some wine!