Out to Lunch

with my sister at the mall, where I bought ridiculous metallic colored platform heels that make me look taller than a drag queen. She says I don't look like a drag queen, though, since I don't have an adam's apple. I'm so relieved.

Coming off caffeine and I have a headache. I want ice cream, but think I'll settle for a diet rite soda instead. It's all about choices, and making smart ones. Yeah yeah, so sue me, water would be better. That sounds like song lyrics. Maybe I should play around on my guitar with it for a few minutes and see if something comes of it...or maybe not.

Did I mention I have a headache?

Ten years ago today I had an emergency C-section, crazy car ride to the hospital homebirth gone wrong kind of day...and there was a tornado that day, too, so after the surgery I and my baby were wheeled into the hallway to wait out the storm. I gave my daughter a bike today, so all turned out well for her birth. She was a big baby: 11 pounds, 10.4 ounces. Footling breech. Labor at home was awesome, though, until a foot started coming out of my body...well, not literally. It was discovered when my midwife checked me. After that it was "Don't Push!" amd lots of blowing on my part, and the doctor climbed into the back seat of the car with me and checked my cervix in the parking lot when we got to the ER. Four burlymen (yes, that's one word) in scrubs threw me onto a gurney and started running. I was still blowing as hard as I could to keep from pushing.

The last thing I said before going under the anesthesia was "Doodleoodleoo Inspector Gadget"...and yes, I sang that. Drugs. Gotta love 'em. So much for the home birth.

Do you ever wonder where doctors learn how to sew in such neat straight lines when they do surgeries? Well, let me tell ya: they practice on crazy hippies who show up at the hospital from homebirths gone wrong when they are residents. If I'd have been smart I would have not worked so hard to have babies number three and four by VBAC (that was back in the golden olden days when one could still get a VBAC!) and maybe someone could have fixed my scar, or installed a zipper or somesuch. But I was only cut once and so I have the crooked practice scar instead.

And my youngest, not the birthday girl, lost her first tooth today. Very cute look on her!

How did I get from ridiculous shoes and lunch at the mall with my sister to getting a zipper installed? I don't know. For a few years I did not think I'd ever stop having children, but then suddenly I woke up one day and I simply could not imagine another baby in my life. I think it was hormones. Those darned things. Like someone flipped a switch.

Let me end this with one comment about the mall: Shocking!!!! especially near Abrcrombie and Fitch and certain purveyors of unmentionables. Oy, the larger than life nakie people posters! And I did not know mannequins could DO THAT!!!! I'm old enough to be their mother, but I'm not dead yet, I guess. Lord, have mercy!


Meg said…
You mean they don't let you do VBAC anymore? I had two Caesareans because I had two different doctors for the kids, and #2 didn't know what kind of internal scar #1 had done; my first was an emergency, and the fastest way in was a vertical (turned out the baby's cord was wrapped around her neck *four times*).

As for Abercrombie & Fitch: You probably will not believe this, but I remember when they were a very respectable and stuffy outfitters, and their only store was on 40th Street and Fifth Avenue, about 8 blocks away from where I worked. Every time I see an A&F ad, I shudder and shake my head, and wonder what happened.
Mimi said…
Happy, happy Birthday to your little one (I had a homebirth - ten years ago. I notice a lot of us were having babies in 1996).

Enjoy the platform heels - I'm kind of skeptical.
alana said…
skeptical about what?
DollyMama said…

I forgot that today was the day. Wow. Happy bday. I want to see those heels! :)
james said…
No, you don't look like a drag queen. Oy!
Mimi said…
Skeptical about platforms and wedges. For me.
chance said…
Wow...I can TOTALLY relate. My lovely wife actually delivered a footling breech at home w/ our midwife. My daughter was so stubborn about not coming out, that she thought it would be funny to flip around during labor (i'm not kidding, we now know right when it happened).

Your story reminded me of my own. Many years to your daughter.


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