Today was one of those days fraught with that restlessness that overcomes me at times. I know what that is, I have identified it in the past, and so knowlege is power, but it is still a struggle to do the right thing with that restlessness.
It is really not a desire for a cigarette (and yes, at times I still want them) or more chocolate, or something good to eat, or something to make me feel loved and beautiful, even though it is all those thing.
I remember someone I met one time describing a good smoke as an internal hug: from the inside out. His loneliness killer.
We all have loneliness killers.
But somehow in a moment of time I got a bit of illumination about my own loneliness killers, and how they are merely sad substitues for the One whome I really want to be in communion with: extra and unneeded trips to the trift store, the desire to purchase just one more thing. Comfort eating. Self indulgence.
And so, slowly, bit by bit, I learn to live one day at a time, not endulging in my loneliness killers...at least at those times when I'm aware of what I am doing, because they divide me from that One, the lover of my soul.
Today was one of those days when I felt that tug...that urge, that restlessness, that loneliness, and I found myself rattling around, wanting and looking for something to fill the void.
But I didn't. And for that I'm glad. It is Bright Week after all. Christ is Risen! Perhaps lent was not the fruitless void I thought it to be after all...for this today was one small victory.