Wednesday, April 26, 2006

the kind of thing you only write late at night

Today was one of those days fraught with that restlessness that overcomes me at times. I know what that is, I have identified it in the past, and so knowlege is power, but it is still a struggle to do the right thing with that restlessness.

It is really not a desire for a cigarette (and yes, at times I still want them) or more chocolate, or something good to eat, or something to make me feel loved and beautiful, even though it is all those thing.

I remember someone I met one time describing a good smoke as an internal hug: from the inside out. His loneliness killer.

We all have loneliness killers.

But somehow in a moment of time I got a bit of illumination about my own loneliness killers, and how they are merely sad substitues for the One whome I really want to be in communion with: extra and unneeded trips to the trift store, the desire to purchase just one more thing. Comfort eating. Self indulgence.

And so, slowly, bit by bit, I learn to live one day at a time, not endulging in my loneliness killers...at least at those times when I'm aware of what I am doing, because they divide me from that One, the lover of my soul.

Today was one of those days when I felt that tug...that urge, that restlessness, that loneliness, and I found myself rattling around, wanting and looking for something to fill the void.

But I didn't. And for that I'm glad. It is Bright Week after all. Christ is Risen! Perhaps lent was not the fruitless void I thought it to be after all...for this today was one small victory.

2 comments:

james said...

Yes, overcoming loneliness killers is tough.

Grace said...

Bless you for talking about this the way it really feels. It's really hard to admit that struggles happen, but the struggle can feel even lonelier if you think you're the only one.

I've always had to deal with some insomnia, so I know what you mean about the restlessness and about the kinds of things you only think and write at times like that.