Morning Coffee

What the Gaps diet is really: Vegetables and More Vegetables

2012-01-26T18:52:00.001-08:00

I did not really realize how much processed food I was eating until I started this GAPS diet. Now, I'm eating vegetables, meat and the fats derived therefrom, eggs and a very small smidgen of fruit and honey. That's it.

Today, at the grocery store my shopping cart contained the following:

Acorn Squash-3
Butternut Squash-3
Spaghetti Squash-3
Cabbage
leeks
mushrooms (4 packs)
beets
turnips
brussel sprouts
cauliflower (I broke down and got this frozen because I knew I did not have room in the fridge)
carrots-4 lbs.
onions-2 bags
zucchini-8
eggplant-2
organic apples
small box of red currants
bananas-2 bunches, 1 ripe and 1 green
giant bag of frozen green beans
clementines
dried bananas (chewy like fruit leather, found at Trader Joes)
four avocados

coconut oil
sesame seeds (for later)
almond meal (for later).

I might be missing something. But that, my friends, is a LOT of vegetables!

I also bought:

1 pork roast
4 organic chickens
3 containers of ground pork for making sausages
6 pounds of beef (from farmer, actually)
3 dozen eggs (also from farmer)
organic butter for making Ghee (2 pounds)

There were a few other things for some of the family members who are not on the GAPS diet, but I wanted to share the GAPS stuff, in case someone googles GAPS diet and comes across this link. And lest you think we eat THAT much meat...I was getting chicken for two weeks, so I don't have to treck back out to Costco next week.

It's not as hard as I thought it would be. The first week started out just making soup after soup after soup...the kind with no rice or pasta or potatoes in it. I've discovered that eggplant goes OK in chili. I have plans to make borsht. And I do NOT care for ginger carrot soup very much.

I'd still be eating soup, but one of my teenagers on the gaps diet refuses to eat anymore soups and so to keep the cooking simple, I've been making bone broth for us to sip in the mornings and afternoons, and doing stewed meals.

This week we've moved into stews/casseroles, so for dinner tonight, I peeled and chunked up a bunch of beets, turnips, onions and carrots, plunked them the big roaster pot and put one of those organic chickens on top. Salt and Oregano. Covered all in foil and let it go long and slow at 325 F. for about three hours.

Those beets were GORGEOUS and the carrots! The burgundy and orange color combo is one of my favorites. I discovered tonight that beets are indeed delicious. I'd never liked them, but then the only kind I knew was the pickled canned kind. I intentionally try to cook enough for leftovers the next day (lunch!) but I never have quite as much as I think I ought to. I will definitely be buying beets and turnips again next week.

I'm looking forward to my cooking this week, because it's a lot of oven meals like this one...meat with various veggies, cooked together low and slow. Easy, simple and REAL FOOD.

Courtesy of Facebook

2012-01-23T06:57:00.000-08:00

This blog post is sponsored in part by Facebook...which is currently down and not loading. He he he.

Seriously? Facebook is down? How will I get my George Takei nerdy funny pictures fix? How will I know what's happening in the wide wide world of Orthodoxy today? How will I ENDURE my morning without watching all my Facebook friends flinging political poopie pies at each other?

How will I be ABLE to endure the loneliness of simply being present here, in my own life, with my own kids and the responsibilities I have this day?

How can I be virtual? Auuuugh? No facebook?

Whatever did we do before FACEBOOK????

Ah yes, I remember...we blogged.

And before blogging, we had actual phone conversations with friends (hard to do for a home schooling or working mom, that's for sure).

And before that...I remember this thing called "people" that I used to hang out with. But that was when the kids were babies and toddlers and we had these phenomena called "play dates" and "La Leche League Meetings".

Now, don't get me wrong. I like facebook. I like blogging. I feel like I have a group of friends of people that I've never met cheering me on and participating in my life. How utterly narcissistic and selfish I sound. But in turn, I can go cheer others along, too.

I should blog more. And read blogs more. Blogging is special.

Gaps update ...day six.

2012-01-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I started the GAPS diet last Tuesday (on my birthday)...and let me say this: It is brutal. I"m not unhappy, it's just brutal. I can tell that I'm experienceing "die off" symptoms, which means basically that whilst getting healthier, I'm temporarily feeling worse.

I'm back to needing to lay down in the late afternoon for an hour or so. I've heard that as exactly what a person with adrenal fatigue ought to do anyway, so it's good to know that I'm killing two proverbial birds with one proverbial stone.

I was able to make it to Church this morning, and it was SO good to be there and to sing in the choir and to take communion. I feel truly blessed. I hope and pray I can have the energy to start going to choir practice again. I was going to do that last Thursday, but by 6 pm I was dead on my feet and not going anywhere but underneath a blanket.

So far, with my body, the die off feels exactly like the fibromyalgia. Yes, achy and very fatigued.

I"m enjoying all the veggies and the meats and healthy fats. Glory to God for all things.

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

2012-01-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

Before....
and After....

I tried to copy my facial expression and distance to the camera, so all things would be equal.

I was messing around with photobooth tonight (admit it, we all do that sometimes) and I found a picture that I'm pretty sure was taken last September or October...it would have been BEFORE I started on my thyroid medication.

Notice how in the "before" shot, my neck is puffy and swollen, and how my face is flabby looking and also puffy. Notice the horrid acne. I'm wearing a hat, in part because my hair was not growing and looked basically dead.

And now the "after" picture...my face is so much slimmer, my neck no longer has that crease in it, acne has cleared up (although there are still some scars)...and I got my eyebrows done, but that's neither here nor there. I'm wearing a head band to keep my growing hair off my face and have it twisted up in a big hair clip in the back. My hair has basically come back to life.

NO...I have not lost weight. Maybe three pounds, if anything. But nothing so significant. It's the thyroid medication that has made a difference in my appearance. I was looking at medical pictures in a book on hypothyroidism that I bought, and there were other such pictures, with a starling difference in before and after for patients on Armour Thyroid.

So, not all of us hopeless cases are truly hopeless cases. Sometimes we are just ill.

Oh, I should also add, that the other big change has been that I went on a Gluten Free Casein Free diet...and my fibromyalgia pain went away within 24 hours. Picture number two is taken at the end of day 4 on the GAPS intro diet, so more good changes are to come, folks!

Tooth Soap and other goodies.

2012-01-19T14:04:00.000-08:00

One of the things I'm doing this year is striving to kick consumer products to the curb and make as many of my "body products" as possible with home-made food grade ingredients.

Today I made some tooth soap. I found the recipe at this site: http://homesteadwannabes.blogspot.com/2010/11/homemade-tooth-soap-recipe-healthy.html

(Sorry, I tried a bunch of times to create a working link, and although I got a working link lower down in the article, for some reason this one just ain't cooperating.)

The tooth soap contains a wee bit of Dr. Bonner's Peppermint Castile Soap, some peppermint essential oil, coconut oil, xylitol and boiling water.

It is easy and very quick to make in the blender. I put my tooth soap into a jar at first but then I found a pump bottle which I thoroughly washed. Now my tooth soap is neatly in a pump. Bethany also wanted some in her bathroom, so the rest of the jar is in there.

I've read that tooth soap can be good for the enamel and also help one to get whiter teeth.

Oh, and I also went "no poo" a couple of weeks ago. Now, instead of shampoo, which has some objectionable ingredients in it, I clean my hair with a solution of baking soda and water, and rinse with a milk vinegar solution. This leaves my hair very soft and clean.

Oh, and then there's the "Pit Paste", as I like to call it. Recipe here. I did not bother making it into a stick. What I do instead is have it in a very shallow cute little canning jar that I found at the store. I can easly get a finger tip full from that a put it where it belongs. This recipe works well for me. People's body chemistry varies, so you might have different results. My dh, on the other hand, is able to use just a good alcohol rub down...I tried that but was still stinky after. I think it's because he lives at his desk, whereas I am up and about...either that, or I'm just more of a stinker than he is. ;-)

It's fun to go through my household and ask: What am I using/consuming thoughtlessly just because it is available for me to use/consume? What did people do before X was invented? So many of the things we take for granted these days are a created need, and not a real need. So many of these things that we don't even think about pollute the environment and our homes and bodies, making us ill and unable to love one another as we ought. Yeah, I'm not ready to give up my toilet paper yet...and I will be enjoying one of those nice "Pine Mountain Fake-o-burn Instalight" logs in my firplace tonight and I still puffyheartlove my kitchen-aid.

Sighs.

The Color of One's Skin

2012-01-16T07:22:00.001-08:00

My first encounter with the race-relations/troubles in the U.S. was when I was "fresh off the boat" so to speak. I was 12, and soon 13, and new to the U.S. and new to my school and new to everything.

The missionary house that we started out living in, being hosted by our church, was sort of in the "city" if you will, on 17th Ave. South in Nashville. My bus stop was several blocks away, so I walked into "the projects" every day to catch my school bus.

I mean, on an academic level, I knew there'd been trouble. I knew about the slavery (my mom had read us Roots when it came out, and we'd even procured a TV so that we could watch the show...dubbed into German...when it came on TV) and that is was wrong and the Civil War, and the emancipation proclamation. I'd heard about the KKK and Martin Luther King Jr. and the Civil Rights Movement. All that stuff.

So, somehow, I thought America has been FIXED. I thought it was a better place and that stuff was in the past.

How wrong I was.

I was unprepared and mystified at the raw hatred that rolled my way from the other girls at my bus stop...who happened to be African American. I thought that if I don't hate them, they won't hate me, right? I'm not a racist because I know it's wrong...so that leaves me with a "not a racist this one's cool" sign flashing above my head, so that all those girls at the bus stop would somehow accept me? Right?

So. Did. Not. Happen.

No, the hatred rolled on like a river....rolled eyes, mocking tones, derision. It was palpable.

I learned how to be afraid. I did not understand the aggression or the bravado that I was encountering in my busmates/classmates.

I learned to cower and to be shy.

But to be fair...all these really really bad vibes, and a few verbal jabs...that's as far as anything ever went. I was never physically assaulted or harmed.

But the bad vibes were enough for me to learn fear and to put up some serious walls.

THEY didn't know I was "fresh off the boat" and new to this country. THEY didn't know that I felt that my own personal story sort of made me a clean slate to the whole "American inter-racial dynamics" thing. They just saw me, a white girl, at their bus stop, in their territory, and reacted in a normal way based on their own life experience...and judged me negatively.

I could feel the hatred and anger.

It's not much fun being judged by the color of one's skin.

न्कौन्तेर्स विथ रसिस्म

2012-01-16T07:19:00.000-08:00

Ordinary Time

2012-01-14T19:15:00.001-08:00

Today I was a bit better. I woke up at 5 am with hearing a loud noise in the furnace, and when I got up to investigate the sound (couldn't figure it out but our place has not burned down yet;-) I found one of my really good kitchen bowls that I've been missing for a few months. It had been placed in our heater closet as a drip catcher, not having caught any drips it was very very dusty and full of grime and cobwebs.

Odd.

I cannot, for the life of me recall placing it there, and if I had wanted to put a drip catcher there, I certainly would not have used my best mixing bowl! Wes can't remember at all putting it there, either, but it's the sort of thing either one of us might have done. I'm wondering though, if it might have been a maintenance man at some point. But grabbing a bowl out of my kitchen? That makes no sense and is a creepy thought, so I think I'll let it go.

I'm just glad to have my bowl back.

We had a nice drive out to New Albany to pick up our pet milk, and turkey legs and a beef heart and ground and some beef bones, and lots of eggs and soap from our farmer. The sun was shining. Last week, in some low wetlands near the interstate and the I-65 bridge I saw a gray crane. It was beautiful to see such a bird in the wild. Today it was frozen, so no waterfowl in sight.

Bethany and I went shopping at Meijer for the first time and I LOVE their produce department. We bought butternut and acorn squash, Zucchini, leeks, strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, pears, apples, potatoes, carrots, ginger, mint, onions, mushrooms...oh, I've probably forgotten an item or two. There was so much, and it was all wonderful. Yes, there's the whole "it's not local or seasonal" devil sitting on my shoulder scolding me about those sorts of things...but I just want to feel grateful for the ability to go shopping and to feed my family and to be starting on the GAPS diet next week, so that's what I'm going to focus on today.

I was so grateful to have enough energy to get the shopping done.

And then when I got home I started having chills again, feeling sick and my throat got sore again. Clearly I overdid it. Bethany was also feeling ill. No one went to Vespers, and Wes cooked dinner. I'm so proud of the fact that after almost twenty years of being married, he is finally taking an interest in learning how to cook. Since we are not eating out any more at all, it's sort of necessary to have more than one cook in the family. Our teenage girls help some, too, in that department, but I'm glad Wes is stepping up and being a good example to our son. E is learning how to cook the foods he likes, so that is a start.

Eric is almost as tall as I am. He lacks an inch. He asserts that by the time school is out, he'll have passed me up. I don't doubt him a bit.

Unless being on the GAPS diet makes me taller! LOL.

Well, I've got me some bone broth brewing in the crock pot and I've moved my birthday dinner to "Liturgical time" (Monday night) instead of Tuesday, which is my actual birthday...so there's a good chance I'll officially start the GAPS diet on Tuesday, my 42nd birthday...what a gift, eh? The gift of health.

But meanwhile I need to figure out what I want my big birthday dinner to be, and what sort of cake I'm going to have. It should probably be a smallish one, so that we won't have any leftovers.

Pehaps I shall make it tomorrow, since I have to bake another cake (or maybe just a couple of cup cakes) so that E can have something to take to a birthday party he's been invited to tomorrow evening. Having a family on special diets is hard work.

In My Sewing Corner

2012-01-12T17:46:00.000-08:00

There's been NOTHING going on in my sewing corner and I have been experiencing the strangest thing...I went from "top of the world, I can sew anything" after making those two wedding dresses last spring, to feeling like I never ever want to sew again after one rather spectacularly stressful well-constructed communication failure of a project where I ended up losing lots of time a not a little money.

Burn out.

Now, whenever I sit down to do some mending, or a wee tiny project, I'm all thumbs and threads come loose and things get tangled and it's just horrid. And I look at my work and I'm so unhappy with it.

Other people have etsy shops and other people's sewing projects are neat and perfect (or at least can take perfect picutres of their work).

And then there's me: The queen of imperfections.

I just want to give up. I want to close my etsy shop, I want to never sew anything again.

I know these feelings will not last. I'll sew again. Someday.

But it's winter and I'm sick and feeling low and I am SO TIRED of being sick and feeling low. But there's nothing else to be but how I am.

I know, the cold/flu/thingy I currently have is transient. It will be gone next week and I'll be bustling around having my birthday and getting ready to go on the GAPS diet. It will be fine.

I will be fine.

There's a saying: Pride comes before the fall.

Yeah...that's what happened to me in my sewing corner.

When pride comes, then comes shame; But with the humble is wisdom. Provers 11:2

A New Year....A New Me (In Other Words..."Jesus, Save Me!")

2012-01-11T06:48:00.000-08:00

It sounds trite, doesn't it. We all make New Year's resolutions, and we all fail. Time and again, I have failed. Except for the year when my new years resolution was to NOT diet. I think I packed on about thirty pounds that year, and realized that all my half baked and unsuccessful dieting efforts were at least keeping me on an even keel.

But that was years ago, and I'm over it. Really, I am. Because I HAVE been on an even keel lately, even if said keel includes those thirty extra pounds from several years ago.

But this post is not about weight loss. Really. I promise it is not. Keep reading.

I know that 2012 is going to be the year of changes for me. I can feel them coming. I can sniff the air and somehow, bone deep, I just know.

So, last year there as the mono, which still rises up and nips me gently in the tookus with spleen pain (yes I had the stupid thing ultra-sounded, no I'm not worried, it's just a "body signal" ya know?) whenever I over do it.

There's that.

Then in the early fall, my new NP, who is perhaps the most effective medial person I've ever submitted myself to in my entire life, recommended the gluten free and casein free diet for me, to deal with leaky gut issues and while that helped my body aches and pain to miraculously disappear, and the thyroid meds she started me on are a lifeline of energy that my depleted body needs, more changes are needed still.

See, what I did when I suddenly had energy is that I went out and started working out. I wanted to get a head start on this "new me" stuff, and we all know exercise is the way to do it. I do love me some dumbbells. So I started back into lifting weights...and running.

Crash and burn, baby! That's what I did. Then I got slammed and had. no. energy....again.

What is UP with my sorry self?

So then my very competent NP explains to me about Adrenal Fatigue. Ah yes. Every time I work out, I'm putting my body in "fight or flight" mode, and stressing my adrenals, which, in case you did not know...she tells me...are utterly depleted, kaput, and (as I would have said as a young child) "gone gone"!

And the gluten free thing? Well, I was still having...well, suffice it to say, she's put me on the GAPS diet.

I've known about the GAPS diet for years. Yes, I've read all about it. I'm now re-reading all about it. The GAPS diet, my conscience has told me, is just what I need. I have known this long before I even acknowledged to myself how messed up my body is. I just haven't had the energy or fortitude to get on it.

So, doctors orders...All my new found energy must be channeled towards making bone broth and fermenting vegetables and avoiding starches like the plague, and filtering my water, and eating soup. Soup. More soup.

I know that's just the intro part of the GAPS diet. Once it settles in, there's more to it and it's very similar to the whole ueber-popular paleo trend going around right now. I can deal with it...

Oh, and I'm not ALLOWED to get my heart rate up very much. I'm not supposed to EXERCISE hard (gentle walking, stretching is OK) and by no means am I to "diet to lose weight".

Isn't it ironic?

But back the the adrenals thing: I realized, I AM the ADRENALINE QUEEN. That's how I function. That's how I operate. It's probably a survival mechanism...have no energy (thanks to gluten-intolerance induced autoimmune hypothyroidism) so how do I GET energy to do ANYTHING???? I get myself worked up in order to get an adrenaline rush (could be about anything...it is...about everything) and then I get-r-done. And then I crash and people take care of me. lather rinse, repeat. I explained this dynamic to my husband-who-loves-me-in-spite-of-this-crap, and he said "This explains your entire personality." "Yes, it does", I say with slightly narrowed eyes and chagrin.

This is SUCH an unhealthy dynamic. (I'm exposing myself on a BLOG that strangers all over the world read, and I'm putting my worst flawed self out there and it's not so comfortable this time.) And I MUST change. There MUST be a "new me". A new way of living. In order to heal my physical self, my personality will have to change.

Repentance. Metanoia.

But this, I am incapable of orchestrating on my own. Lord have mercy!

And the only way I can figure forward through this learning and change is in prayer...the desperate "Holy Mother of God save me!" type of prayer. I have an icon of Jesus pulling Peter out of the wind and the waves and "Jesus Save me" has become my "mantra" ever since Father told me to use that prayer whenever I get stressed about my weight (which is a constant ever present worry-drone obsession in the back of my head that has been with me since about the age of 13 or so, that pushes itself to my conscious thoughts only a million times a day...). That was last fall, just a few weeks before the layers of the onion that is my ill health started getting ripped away. And I KNOW there is a connection.

So...that's my way forward into 2012. Here's a quote that really blessed my heart this morning, and it really fits in with my thoughts:

"The Lord has taken all our sufferings and cares upon Himself, and He has said that He will provide for all our needs, yet we hold on to our cares so tightly that we create unrest in our hearts and minds, in our families, and all around us.
"Whenever I am burdened by problems, and when I try to bear all the cares of the monastery and the brotherhood by myself, then there is trouble in store for m...e and the brethren. Even the easiest job is carried out with great difficulty. But when I commit myself, the brotherhood, and everything else unto the Lord, even the hardest of jobs gets done with ease. There is no pressure, and peace reigns among the brethren."
-- Elder Thaddaeus of Vitovnica

12 Days of Christmas

2011-12-25T11:37:00.001-08:00

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree.....Oh, that's MEAT!
"On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two turtle doves...MORE MEAT!
"On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me THREE french HENS...ALSO MEAT!!!!
"On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four calling birds...MEAT!!!!
"On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...five golden rings! DONUTS!!!! (gotta have a side dish!)
"On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 6 Geese a laying...EGGS!!!! Egggxcellent!
"On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me 7 swans a swimming...gosh, there's so much MEAT in this song!!!!
"On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 8 maids a milking...DAIRY PRODUCTS!!!! YUUUUUUMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!
"On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 9 ladies dancing...probably hopped up on CAFFEINE...
"On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 10 Lords a leaping...GINGERBREAD MEN!!!!
"On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me 11 Pipers Piping...ah, pipeweed!
"On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 12 Drummers drumming...CLEARLY a reference to drumsticks, which is Chicken, which is, once again....MEAT...."
--dedicated to all my Orthodox friends who have been fasting from meat for the past six weeks or so....

Confessions of a Spiritual Lackwit

2011-11-09T07:43:00.001-08:00

I feel like I'm in a place in my life where I am slowly moving forward. I know that having more energy than I had heretofore helps a lot with that, although honestly, this week has been a struggle, since I do feel like I'm "down with something vague". Various of my youngsters are feeling the same way, so it is probably not just my imagination.

As a mother, I can see that my kids are growing up and my relationships with them are changing a bit. They are challenging me! It's not always easy but they aren't shy about calling my crap crap, and so I'm trying to work hard on the virtues of gentleness and patience as I parent them through their teen years. I tend, by nature, to be loud and blustery and they don't. like. that. I'm working on it, though. Really, I am.

Sometimes it is hard to be patient with all of their various issues.

We had a big family meeting about meal times over dinner last night. One of my goals it to pre-plan my dinners and lunches, so that I know what's on the menu in advance. This is a shift from having a "pantry full of food" and deciding each day what's going to be for supper.

The problem is, various ones have sensory issues and as is common with so many ASD people, they can. not. eat. food. they. don't. like.

Which leads, too often, to me being a short order cook. I've tried many times to reign in this tendency, and am making that effort once again. The other alternative is that I make the "picky ones" get their own food which results in ill-nourished grumpy kids living on pizza and breakfast cereal. Since I quit buying frozen pizzas, and now that my son is gluten free, we are struggling a bit more with this issue.

[Please, no comments about what you do that works so well to get your youngsters to eat vegetables. If it's out there, I've tried it and it doesn't work well at our house. ASD people are different from Neurotypical people. Hunger will NOT motivate an ASD kid to eat whatever's put in front of him/her. This has been my experience and it holds true for others as well. I asked this on a "Parents of kids with Autism" list and we do, indeed, many of us, have this struggle in common.]

But, glory to God, we came up with about 15 meals that I can prepare and that my family members will ALL eat at least enough from to fill their bellies. That's progress, so we'll be eating the same 15 dinners over and over again. But that's more than having only seven different dinners, so I'm grateful.

This, in the long term, will make calorie counting much easier, will it not? I'll have each meal figured out and just have to plug in those numbers to my daily tally.

Yes, I said it. I'm counting calories these days. I joined an organization called TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) which is a weight loss support club. It's all very "club-like" with Minutes being read, pledges being said, etc. We even started the meeting with the Pledge of Allegiance. But the group of ladies (most of whom are at least one or two or three decades older than I am) are all very gregarious and funny and welcoming, so I'm glad I joined.

And I've been working on doing a better job on the domestic side of things. That's always a struggle for me, but I'm trying. House work is insanely boring and I'd rather, always and forever, be reading a good book or perusing the internet. But, that work must be done, eh?

I'm sorry I grossed everyone out yesterday. I did not mean to. I honestly thought the whole dental crown incident was hilariously funny and in some grand way I figure that being a sinner and all that, I deserved to be shoveling through that which is such a good metaphor for my sins.

I'm also working on re-establishing my Bible Reading habit. That's a struggle, and it seems perhaps there's some spritual opposition helping along my own laziness and spiritual lackwittedness. But struggle I must so struggle I do. Numbers is SUCH a boring book!!!! I find that I don't much care for the Old Testament...at least not the dryer parts of the Pentateuch which I studied to death in seminary, and about which feel like I've already gleaned all the good nuggets therefrom. Fight, fight, fight!

And so it all goes.

Adventures with my Stupid Tooth: Edited Verson due to TMI complaint

2011-11-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

In the past few years I've had two root canals and two crowns put into my mouth. This makes a total of three (yes, weak teeth is another one of those celiac things, apparently). And crowns are not cheap. In fact, I was in pain for over a year because I needed TWO root canals and could only affford to do one per year. But all that is in the past now.

Well, a week ago, I had made a crock pot fudge lava cake for my dd's sleepover, and while I was eating a small portion of that gooeyness, I lost one of my crowns. This was the SECOND time this particular crown had come loose, much to my dentist's astonishment. It's rare to lose them once. It's ultra rare to lose them twice.

I'm ultra-rare, but we already knew that, now didn't we?

So, the crown was gone.

Down the hatch. And as the saying goes, what goes in, must come out.

So, I waited upon it's joy-filled returned to the land of daylight.

Today, I took it to the dentist to sterilize and re-insert. I asked them what they did, and she said: "Soak it in bleach for 10 minutes and then in this stuff that will KILL ANYTHING in on minute, but we leave it in for ten."

OK, I feel better now. It's no longer the "poopy tooth" , it is now the DEATH TOOTH. Or perhaps we can call it the "Crown of Death". Yeah, I like that name.

At any rate, I thought it would be a quick "squirt some cement on it and stick it back in" procedure, but NO.

The inside of my crown had to be scored, and also, apparently my tooth stub.

How, you ask, does the dentist score a tooth stub?

Using a SAND BLASTER, of course. No lie. I'm not exaggerating.

It was all on an itty bitty scale...but it was, indeed, a sand blaster and they were squirting sand into my mouth.

It was like a dust storm, followed by a hard rain (the rinsing), and when the tech accidentally blew air down my throat, that was the tornado.

Bad weather in my mouth today.

It was a bit more involved that I had anticipated it being, but the crown of death is firmly cemented back into my jaw...until it comes loose again, I guess.

An those, my friends, have been this week's adventures with my stupid tooth.

At least there was no actual PAIN involved.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2011-11-02T20:26:00.001-07:00

I remember getting on a bus that day. It was November 2, 1982 and the bus was departing from in front of the SBB Bahnhof (train station) in Basel, Switzerland, headed for the airport in Mulhouse, France. (I could be wrong...but that's what I remember).

It was gray. I remember thinking that perhaps I'd never see this place again. I had the urge to kiss the ground and say goodbye but I did not do that.

I have no memories of the transatlantic flight, but I guess I must have some of flying in to New York City because I can't see pictures of the Statue of Liberty without choking up.

Of course I was excited. I was also scared out of my wits. I was coming to America and heretofore it was not my home. From now on it would be.

I remember flying from New York to Boston and the being picked up by a friend of my parents'. We stayed with them that first week. I've been to Boston in the fall! (unlike Larry the cucumber in the Pirates that don't do Anything song!)

That first week was a mixture of fun historical visits to all the places in and around Boston that every American should visit if they get a chance, and mind boggling culture shock. My face literally hurt from speaking English full time that first week.

I was twelve and a hot European mess of a twelve year old, at that. The girls in the family we stayed with were so smooth and cool and preppy and American. They wore their hair curled and their bangs had "wings". They wore makeup!!! I was in shock. I was middle school Swiss grunge and only a decade too early. Seattle in the 1990's would have loved me. They tried fixing me up with makeup but I felt like a hooker with a bit of powder, blush, lipgloss and mascara. It was all so "junior high".

Since it was November, there were lots of Christmas things on display in the stores already, and the movie ET was popular. So it was this weird ET Christmas theme in ALL the stores. ETs in Santa hats were everywhere. I was very underimpressed with the crassness of it all and missed St. Nicholas and all the old world traditions.

That fall was pretty in New England. We were there for a week, then my dad found an agency that let people drive other people's cars across the country, so our family squeezed into a Beemer to drive to Tennessee.

So theoretically I've been to PA and such places that are between Boston and Nashville, but only on the interstate.

That was November and I was out of school until January when the new semester started. I remember taking a placement test, and of course was placed in my age-level grade which was actually a grade higher than what I'd been in in Switzerland. I found, once school started, that the academic side of things was mind numbingly easy.

The social parts, not so much. I was so overwhelmed and confused. Culture shock can do that to a kid, you know. I cried in school on more than one occasion. I could not tell one African American person from another at first because I had just never been around any black people before and I did not have the neural connections to distinguish facial features at first. I got better at it, but being plunked smack dab into a cross cultural situation where I couldn't even read the white kids' body language and slang, the added confusion of there being subcultures was just a bit much. I did not understand the anger, resentment and hatred I felt radiating at me from the black girls at my bus stop in the projects. And I certainly did not always understand their slang. We lived in an old house owned by an inner city church, so where else was I to catch the bus, eh?

When I was at school, the kids called me JAP. I had no idea what this meant but I did know it was some form of insult. I asked my mom what JAP meant and she said it was short for Japanese, a derogatory term used during the WWII era. That made no sense whatsoever. Oh well.

Now I have figured out it probably stood for "Jewish American Princess" and I think it was in the context of these Nashville kids trying to figure out how it is I came from Switzerland of all places.

Blame it on the Matrix

2011-10-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

You know, I've blogged much more about the issues that my oldest dd has, than about anything concerning my other kids. The squeaky wheel and all that. (Always trying to maintain proper boundaries and privacy all along, as much as I can, of course. My goal is to never embarrass my kids on my blog.)

But I have another one of my children, and I've always said: Whatever is wrong with me, this one has the exact same thing.

There has been leg pain, and this kid has dropped out of scouting type activities from it. This kid cannot stand up in Church, has NEVER been able to stand up in Church due to leg pain. (It's frustrating, to say the least, in my everlasting quest to appear more pious than the next person, to have a kid of mine who can't stand up in Church...tongue firmly planted in cheek, in case you did not notice).

So I took this fast-growing-now-teenaged-"child" of mine to the same health care person that gave me so many answers.

She listened. She took notes. And she took lots and lots of blood.

And yesterday, we got the results.

Turns out this kids of mine ALSO has low thyroid function and all the same deficiencies that I have, plus some of his/her own.

And this person ALSO needs the gluten free/casein free diet. We are up to half the family needing this eating plan, now!

I'm hoping, hoping, hoping, that this will make a difference for her/him, too, like it has for me!

I asked Shelley (the nurse practitioner whom we see) if me being depleted during pregnancy could have set this one up for such issues: "Oh yes".

Something to Say

2011-10-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

The other day, someone posted a thingy on Facebook that said: "Having religion is like having a penis. You can be proud of your penis, you can like your penis, but please don't pull it out in public, talk about it, and please don't shove it down my children's throats." (not an exact quote...but that's the gist of it).

OK, so I've been thinking of this for two days. Here's my response:

My religion is like my nose.
It's right in the middle of my face, and everyone can see it.
It keeps me alive and helps me to breathe.
I probably won't talk about it, but it is there, a part of who I am, and I won't avoid mentioning it if the subject comes up.
It is a part of who I am and I won't apologize for it.
But since I'm not God, I won't go sticking my nose into other people's business, either.

The Danger Years

2011-10-19T17:05:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday's gospel really struck me. I'd already been thinking about this blog post, and the gospel reading fit right in. It was the story of the seed and the sower...some seed falls on good soil, some on rocky soil, some that gets choked by weeds and some on the path of hard heartedness.

Father Alexis was so good as to point out that we are each of us all of these things. At various times. In various ways.

These are the danger years. I was speaking with my former priest, and he remarked on how so many of the folks in my former parish, who are my age, with kids in their teenage years, are no longer the "show up at every service" types.

We used to be. Lord knows, I was there! I used to be.

I am not any longer.

Like my title says: These are the Danger Years.

It is so easy for the cares and worries of life to choke out the spiritual fervor of our youth. I'm in my 40's now. My kids are teenagers, except for my tweleve year old who in some ways is more of a teenager than my 17 year old. I'm one of those moms: a mother of teens.

These are the danger years.

The days are so busy. I struggle with my health. I have so little energy, but lots of built in help if I need it. But no one can give me their energy for a 6 pm vespers service. I'll get there again, but the habit, for now, is gone. I've been sick. That's my excuse. He's busy at work. That's his excuse.

The are the danger years.

It's too easy to get focused on the material, the temporal...the busy-ness of the business of life.

It's easy to forget to pray. Or think "I'll pray later"....and later never comes because the evening is just as full as the day, or I'm too tired....whatever.

These are the danger years.

The worries and cares of life...as the gospel reading says...choke out the things of God. And we wake up and realize that the spiritual fervor of our youth is gone.

The danger years.

and the pleasures of life...the danger years. It's cozy and comfortable, being middle aged. Yes, we think a lot about our kids and how we will help them get through college or get launched in life. We think about how many decades of work is left before us before we will have to retire. W think about these things, and it is SO easy to forget the KINGDOM.

These are the danger years, I'm tellin' ya.

It's easy to get distracted and to forget. And to be so busy, and the Lord knows we are doing this all for GOOD, but then we lose something in the process of living that should never be lost.

I remember being in my 20's and looking at people my age now and scratching my head and wondering....why? But now I understand.

This is the challenge of these middle age years: Keep that sweetness of God's grace before me. Keep that fervor in prayer. Learn to pray from this broken place of fatigue, illness, and busyness that is incomprehensible until one experiences it.

Danger years can be good years. Because seeing the danger can focus us. I leave you (and really, I'm writing this to myself) with this:

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12: 1-3

Adventures in Gluten Free/Casein Free cooking

2011-10-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

Today I ventured into making of gfcf yeast donuts. It's Sunday, after all, and a body wants a little somethin'-somethin' after Divine Liturgy. It's really hard to say no to all those donuts in coffee hour in the Church fellowship hall week after week after week, and if I EVER will have a ghost of a chance of convincing my son to do gfcf, I'll need to be able to do things like donuts and apple fritters.

So, I used the basic yeast dough recipe at the www.gfcfrecipes.com and I added a bit more sugar...doubled it, actually.

Without waiting forever for this dough to rise, I just dropped balls of it into the fry-daddy set at 375 and fried them two minutes on each side. Easy, peasy.

I made about ten "donut holes" and drizzled honey on them and they disappeared right quickly. Next, I finely chopped an apple, and mixed apple bits and cinnamon into the rest of the dough and made apple fritters...those disappeared just as fast. We dusted them with powdered Sucanat (organic sugar cane crystals).

Yummy.

I promise, I don't eat like this every day. ;-)

Sorry I don't have any pictures. I'm finding that most anything can be made gluten free.

Ooooo, I ought to try making gnocci soon!

Maybe some Answers?

2011-09-29T20:02:00.000-07:00

Last week I had that appointment with the Nurse Practitioner who came highly recommended by a good friend of mine. She listened, we talked. She gave me lots of questionaires to fill out, about different body systems. She asked questions and found things I did not even consider important or worth reporting on. She was thorough.

And I'll see her again for follow up and bloodwork results in a few weeks.

Meanwhile, she wanted me to do one thing: Go on a gluten free/casein free diet. Because, she said, I have all the symptoms of "leaky gut", and gut health is the bedrock of one's health. That...and there's lots of other things wrong that will get ferreted out. But for now, GFCF and we'll wait on the blood test results for seeing how messed up my hormones are.

Ok...I can do that. I assured her I was familiar with GFCF, having cooked for my daughter who tried that way of eating once before.

So, on Thursday...one week ago today...it was my first full day of GFCF and I've been on it ever since.

Day 1: my pain levels were greatly reduced. I was amazed.
Day2: I had a bit more energy. Still less pain.

...and so on. I'm a week in and it is AMAZING. I've been reading everything I can about gluten intolerance and celiac disease. And my horrible muscle burning and pain and aches are GONE.

Of course, it's not a diagnosis, it's a food challenge. But I'll have to think about whether I need to pursue on official celiac diagnosis or if I can just stay away from gluten for the rest of forever and call it good. I'll talk more about that w/ my care provider at my next checkup.

But all that to say: I'm feeling BETTER and from a quarter I never would have DREAMED of pursuing. Who would have thought???? I always ignored my gut symptoms because they were so far in the background compared to everything else going on, that I never guessed it could be a big key in my health. I'm still wondering if it's for real, or if it is all a coincidence, the "normal" waxing and waning of fibromyalgia and or mono flare ups. Time will tell, I guess.

Silent celiac can cause fibromyalgia and it can cause low thyroid. And it can cause an itchy rash which might explain a certain intermittent symptom I've had and ignored since I was 18 or 19 years old! ...among other things. More information to come, for me, in the future.

But I'm oh, so grateful that I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. And for the record...Gluten free /casein free pizza is not yummy enough to bother making.

Baby Steps Towards Plain: Inspiration from a Desert Monk

2011-09-26T06:04:00.000-07:00

A desert monk was summoned to Alexandria one day by his bishop. As he entered the city, he saw a prostitute, and he started to weep. "Why are you weeping, Abba?" his disciples asked him. "Because," he replied, "I am afraid for the soul of this young woman. And I am also weeping because she takes more time and effort to be attractive to men than I do to acquire the grace of God."

This is a story that Father Alexis told in his homily this morning, and although I cannot remember the name of the dessert monk in this story, I content really struck me. "...more time and effort to be attractive...than to acquire the grace of God."

And that is what I want to write about today. I think having a "plain" heart, means that this be NOT the case. And then I thought of "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you." "All these things" here is clothes, and the things we need for this life.

So it is important not to spend too much time dwelling on (obsessing over) one's clothes, one's head covering (or whether or not, blah blah blah), whether one is "plain enough" or whatever. Conversely it's important not to spent so much time in front of the mirror either in vanity and pride, or in vanity and self condemnation which is also a form of pride. Who are we to loath our selves? Who are we to belittle our own appearance? I did not create myself. I am not the one who decided to give me curly brown hair and huge eyebrows and a sharp chin, or whatever. Give glory to God! He knows exactly what our we need for the salvation of our souls and he gives us everything!

And the effort, dear friends, ought to be put towards acquiring the grace of God. The rest shall be added unto us as well.

Baby Steps Towards Plain: Definitions

2011-09-22T07:03:00.001-07:00

One of the things keeping me from jumping whole hog into wearing "plain" clothes is that "plain" as traditionally defined by the religious groups that practice it, is almost "costumey". One of the motivations is that they be "distinctive from the world".

However, in my little project, I need to find a happy medium. What does "plain" mean for me in my more urban context (people do dress differently here than they do in small town USA)?

I came across a wonderful definition of clothing versus costume that I want to share:

Costume could be anything we're wearing that is about deliberately projecting an image that's not aligned with our spirit & environment.

And in thinking about all of this, the other thing that comes to mind is that it's more about what's in my heart than what's on my body, although I believe that the outside will reflect the inside.

So my baby steps towards plain are going to involve more musings about my vanity, my attitudes, my simplicity of heart than they will about revamping my wardrobe or making/acquiring new clothes.

Having said that, I did make a wonderful brown jumper the other day and it is SO COMFORTABLE. And it feels "plain" when I wear it. Sort of a modern day plain. Not old fashioned. Not fashionable at all, but rather nondescript to the point of not even being "unfashionable". THAT is what I am aiming for: No drama. Just clothes.

How it Went

2011-09-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

SO....I had that appointment today and I really really liked my care giver. She's a nurse practitioner who is very very well informed and takes a holistic approach to her health care-giving. I filled out tons for forms and surveys for her, and my scores showed that I, for one thing, have an inflamed and leaky gut. We talked for a long time. Additionally, my scores on other forms I filled out show that most likely my thyroid, but also all my other hormones are a hot mess!

She was so well informed, listened to my concerns and was on the same page about lots of things: approves of raw milk drinking (although now I get to stick with raw goats milk), wants me to drink Kombucha and be on a gluten free/casein free diet. For starters. I'm seeing lots of bone broth in my future, I think. I've never been off dairy before, so that should be interesting. And I'll have to brush up on my gfcf knowledge base. Its been a few years since one of my kids tried that diet. The danger, I know, is that there's LOTS of gfcf junk food out there and that is NOT a trap I need to fall into on a regular basis. But it is nice to know it exists for special occasions...

So, the new diet. A new supplement she's wanting me to try, a food journal and symptom journal. In a few weeks, at our next appointment we will tackle the blood work results.

Oh, and she wanted to test me for heavy metal poisoning as well. I got much sicker when we moved here to Louisville and have gained 45 pounds since moving here, without changing my eating habits. Whether that's to do with hormonal aftereffects of the surgery I had or something else, it seems like this excellent practitioner will leave no stone unturned. She is a far cry from so many doctors I've met, who dismiss me and tell me I'm fine. I'm not fine. I'm sick.

Now I want to get better.

Health Care Stuff

2011-09-21T04:58:00.000-07:00

It's all I ever blog about, isn't it. I'm sick...blah blah blah...I feel lousy...yadayadayada....

I DO pray, you know. Lots of "Lord Jesus Christ Son of God, have mercy on me a sinners" happening around here. Especially while I'm crying in bed at night because I can't get to sleep. Yes, I am very aware that I write depressed person's blog.

So, today is the big day. In about ten minutes I'm off to see a new health care professional and hopefully get some treatment that will ACTUALLY HELP ME, rather than the smarmy "you are fine" garbage I usually get.

This appointment feels like I'm going to a job interview. I feel like I have to go in there and prove that I am "worthy" of treatment. I pray to God this care provider will treat me clinically, and not based on my blood work. Because I am the person who had a negative pregnancy blood test WHILE I WAS PREGNANT. Yes. I did. Blood tests can lie.

Or maybe God will perform a miracle and my blood work won't lie this time.

Obviously I'm writing nothing productive, just nervous yammering. Forgive me. Well, off I go!

Baby Steps Towards Plain

2011-09-19T16:39:00.000-07:00

Plain dressing has, for years, fascinated me. I think Quakers who are plain, the Amish, the Mennonites, Monastics, are all so beautiful in their way. What attracts me to their way of dress is the simplicity and the plain-ness. Now, without being a part of a community that has such a uniform, dressing in such a manner would almost be presumptuous, like going around dressing like a Pirate all the time would be presumptuous. It would be dressing in a costume.

My long time readers will remember that I did a project two years ago, in the autumn, where wore the same two identical brown dresses for a month. It was an exploration of simplicity. It was a fast of sorts. It was a way for me to confront my own accquisitivenes and my own vanity. It is time for me to do another such project.

This time, I am calling the project "Baby Steps Towards Plain". The parameters and the goal of my project will be a little bit different, and I have not thought completely of all that it will entail just yet. But I will, and when I do I will let you, my dear readers, know.

This has been brewing for some time now. You see, last winter, I learned about, and decided to invest a significant amount of money (which I had earned by sewing) into a program called "Dressing Your Truth". When I bought the program, I was just wanting to find some sort of system whereby I would finally be at peace with my wardrobe and with the question of "what to wear". I went through the lessons, and at the end, I thought "For THIS I spent ALL THAT MONEY??????" Yes, it was ridiculously expensive. I thought I would get more, and I felt ripped off. But then I decided that the advice was good and I would make the best of it and get my money's worth, by dingy. This meant that I started investing in costume jewelry and (five dollars here, three or seven dollars there...) and looking at my thrift store clothing purchases in a new light, with an eye to cut and color and style. I bought a faux snake skin jacket. Yes, it fit the DYT "rules" and it "looked good" on me, but egads! I did not look like myself. Gone was the ragamuffin, and arrived was this sophisticated, worldly-wise looking woman. I felt like I had lost something. And then, as the weeks and months went by of me trying to "dress my truth" the TRUTH finally hit me: In order for ME to DRESS MY TRUTH...I would have to start wearing a head-covering again (1 Cor. 11...I can never fully get away from that passage in the Holy Scriptures). This was ME dressing my truth. Not exactly what the author of that program had in HER mind. She'd probably say something about blocking my chakras or somesuch. Garbage, folks. I purchased GARBAGE with my hard-earned money. God have mercy!

But it DID get me a nifty cardboard color chart and it DID get me out of wearing so many flowy clothes that I really DID feel somewhat ill-fitted (read: redonkulous) in. So I DID learn a few valuable nuggets from the DYT course, and the Holy Spirit DID use it to remind me of what once was...and of a "podvig" that's been laid on me by God for whatever reason. I think Roman Catholics might use the term "sacramental" to describe how I feel about wearing a head covering for prayer and in obedience to Scripture and to honor the Theotokos (Mother of God).

So, here I am. Two years ago I did that "Brown Dress Project" of mine and I think I am ready to revisit it in revised form. I'm going to think about "the rules" and get back with you on what I"m doing.

I will say this: Today, I bagged up all my costume jewelry: the bracelets, the necklaces, the earraings...all of it. I'm wearing my usual "wedding rings" even though none of the rings on my hand are from my actual wedding, since I lost the stone to my engagement ring and my hands are too puffy for my wedding band...sigh. I am wearing a cross around my neck on a string. The cross and one simple band to show I'm married will stay. The rest...who knows. But the rest of the jewelry is packed away. It is my first baby step towards "plain".

P.S. I do not do this to make the statement that wearing jewelry is sinful. That's not my theology. But for me, it is distracting. Same with the rest of what I am about to unearth. I hope you, my dear readers, do not take this as judgment on my part, of anyone, because it's not meant to be.

National Chronic Invisible Illness Week: "You Just Don't Get It"

2011-09-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to an American Heritage Girls meeting with two of my girls. Last year I was an assistant leader, but this year I'm just being a mom in the group. I'll still be "helping out" with the older girls, as needed, but I'm not "official". Everyone knows I've had mono and that it's been hard to recover. People are very kind and understanding and solicitous about the fibromyalgia, too.

So, there's this one nice person there, who was describing her day tomorrow...or some Saturday...that family is always on the run, and she described ACTIVITIES from morning until night that she would literally be running from one thing to the next. Her family has four kids, I think. Baseball, Volleyball, this that and the other...I could not keep track. But her description was literally from about 8 in the morning until ten at night...

And I said "Wow, I don't know how you do it!" And she looked at me and said "Well, you do it too!" and I said "No, I REALLY DON'T!!!"

That was the end of that conversation.

You see, healthy people just don't get it. It seems like a thing, a burden, (actually its a CHOICE) but it's also a status symbol and a sign of good caring for one's kids to be that busy...that many activities (and they all cost money, take time, and require ENERGY.)

And no, I really don't do that.

What's my typical day like? I get out of bed, I have breakfast a bit of time on the computer. Shower, dressed. Morning prayers, reading out loud with the kids. History, German, Writing...the subjects we do together. then it's time for me to make lunch and for them to start doing their other subjects.

I, so far, have DONE next to nothing. But like sand running through an hour glass too quickly, as noon aproaches, after a very quiet morning...I am already slowing down.

If I am having a good day, I can get another three or four hours out of myself after lunch. I'm not talking about running around. I'm talking quiet work, at the sewing table, perhaps. If I have to run an errand...ONE errand will do me in. After that, I will be feeling very sick and on the couch. On a good day I will have planned ahead and made dinner in the crock pot sometime during my "good hours".

Today, I was able to do some sewing, and I'm so grateful. It was a good day. This means I had the energy to put one foot in front of the other and keep going, despite burning pain in all my muscles (even while I type this, it makes my arms burn). I went out for an hour to meet a girlfriend for coffee...what a treat! Dinner was soup in the crock pot and a loaf of bread one of my teenagers made. I make it to AHG only because my husband drives me there. My legs and arms are burning all evening long. I am glad I'm not in uniform anymore because this means I don't have to salute the flag. It is less painful to put my hand over my heart instead of holding my arm up in a salute. Grateful for the little things.

Tomorrow, I have to go to the Farmer's Market in the morning. What I don't get to do is help out at Church with the gardening. What I don't get to do is get together with the ladies to help bake for the festival next weekend. None of my kids play sports. No running around for that. Because I know that after the Farmer's Market, since I'm in a flare right now, I will probably be DONE for the day. If' I'm lucky I'll be able to do some hand sewing, even though it needs to be done by Tuesday and I'd like to get it off my to do list.

And I wonder to myself just WHEN will I do the rest of the grocery shopping?

But no, there's no "You do the same thing" in my life. I do very very differently from the average busy suburban soccer (or volleyball) mom. Everything I do is planned and balanced and weighed and measured, because everything I do will come at a price and I have to pay with pain and unbelievable fatigue. And that, my friends, is why I'm dedicating this post to all of those who "just don't get it."

In Honor of National Chronic Invisible Illness Week: 30 Things Meme

2011-09-13T06:24:00.000-07:00

1. The illnesses I live with are Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Mononucleosis and Hypoglycemia

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2004

3. But I had symptoms since: 1998

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is not being able to be as "involved" in helping other people or being at Church as I'd like.

5. Most people assume that I will eventually get better.

6. The hardest part about mornings are waking up in feeling very sluggish with no "get up and go" and having to eat food I don't care for very much in order to take care of my health.

7. My favorite medical TV shows are the one's that are love ER or Trauma shows. I used to love Dr. House until he started fornicating with his boss and that ruined the show and I stopped watching it.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is my comfy chair!

9. The hardest part about nights is trying to get to sleep and then trying to stay asleep.

10. Each day I take about 5 pills & vitamins. That's does not count the muscle relaxers and pain meds I might take occasionally. Usually I try to tough it out.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I get sick of people recommeding them to me. I'm on the protocol I'm on and that's what I'm doing.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose WELLNESS! I would never choose to be sick.

13. Regarding working and career, I've never had a career outside the home. I have been trying to build a sewing business on the side, but will be slowing that down due to my illness...it's just too much.

14. People would be surprised to know that even on "good days", if I focus in, I can find pain in more than one part of my body. It's always there.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been… that I have limited energy and that I can't do the things I wish I could do. I always have to "pay later" for exceptional energy expenditures, so my life feels like it's being lived inside an itty bitty box.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was go on a mini-spelunking tour with some American Heritage Girls.

17. The commercials about my illness are stupid and I want to throw a brick at the TV.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is… 1 being more physically active and actually getting FIT, the fibro is like a barrier to that. 2-and spending time with friends and family, I'm just too tired to do that now.

19. It was really hard to have to give up our dog, Java. I could not walk him.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis ...well, I've developed my sewing skills even further. I have also developed my knitting skills, but sometimes my arms ache too much to knit.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would do normal stuff.

22. My illness has taught me to have a longing for heaven like nothing else in life could have taught me.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is "are you feeling better yet?" ...because I'm not going to feel better. And if I AM feeling better, I know there's going to be a BAD DAY right on the heels of the "good day" if I do too much on the good day.

24. But I love it when people listen, spend time with me.

25. My favorite quote that gets me through tough times is Lord Jesus Christ, Have Mercy on Me, a Sinner.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them about the Guaifenesin protocol for Fibromyalgia.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is how much inner strength I DO have to just keep plugging along through life.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was anything my husband does, day in and day out he picks up my slack, he's stressed and tired, but when I can't move, he does his work as well as mine.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because I may not look sick but I am. And fibromyalgia is not just a throw away diagnosis. It's real, and I'm SICK.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel that maybe I can make a small difference in helping people to understand that just because someone looks good, doesn't mean that they don't feel horrible.

Homeschooling with Chronic Illness

2011-09-12T16:50:00.001-07:00

Homeschooling with a chronic illness is more about what don't do, than what I do, do.

I sit in a chair and we read together. ...and then they go off and do the rest of their schoolwork.

We don't go on many field trips....

We don't belong to any homeschooling co-ops...

We don't have the kids in any sports (because mama's too tired and ill to drive during the kiddie sports happy hour time of day)...

Dad helps out with taking them to scouting activities when I am too sick. Dad takes them door to door for fundraisers. (Mom sews the badges onto their vests. )

And my oldest DOES do volunteer work at the local Public Library a couple of times a week.

We don't have warm cozy friendships where we get together with lifelong friends on a regular basis...at least not since we moved.

But we DO learn sacrificial LOVE together, in the context of our various illnesses. And we DO go to Church, and we DO pray together.

National Invisible Chronic Illness Week: How my Illness Affects my life in Church

2011-09-12T14:03:00.000-07:00

I found out just now that someone out there has decided that this week is "National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week". At my house, every week is invisible illness week.

So, I decided to use my blog to participate in raising awareness. I'll try to blog something more than once this week. If possible, every day.

Today I am going to write about how my invisible illness (fibromyalgia with the bonus feature of mono this year) affects my participation in my Church.

It's hard. Writing this makes me sad.

We moved to this community three years ago, and I hardly know most of the people at Church. We go to a large parish, and it's been really really difficult for our family to integrate into the community, and a LARGE part of that difficulty has been due to my invisible illness. The rest of it is due to my children's and husband's autism issues, which has its own host of fun stuff, MANY of which overlap with mine.

I get invitations to all sorts of wonderful get-to-know-you opportunities, that I just can't participate in: Baking for the Taste of St. Michael's, the "Parsley Party" to get ready for the cooking to be done, dancing in some folk dancing group...all those things sound like SO MUCH FUN. If I did not have my invisible illness, I would SO be there! I would love to dance! I would really love to bake, and snip parsley with the ladies! I would love to volunteer to serve food, too, and be a part of things. But this year, my invisible illness is making it impossible even to volunteer for a few hours at my parish's ethnic festival. I'm sad about that, but there's nothing that I can do to change it. My invisible illness prevents me from signing up for anything or joining anything. I just am too sick.

And all those missed opportunities, are missed opportunities for getting to know the folks at my parish. When I can't be there, I don't get to chat with people and I don't know them, they don't know me, and we remain strangers week after week. I'm just the tired ugly woman that drags herself into Church each week. But names? I know hardly any names. Because I don't get a chance to hang out and bake and cut up parsley. And when someone does occasionally offer me their name, it flies out of my foggy brain, thanks to my invisible illness.

I used to sing in the choir. I love to sing. I could barely do it with my invisible illness and on some Sundays I would sit in the back of the choir loft if I needed to, but since I added Mono on top of my invisible illness, there's no way. Choir gave me a sense of belonging. I miss it. I miss the community of people that is choir. Now I'm not a part of anything. I feel like I don't even belong.

I miss a lot of Church due to my invisible illness. I was raised to be the kind that went to Church every time the doors were opened. At St. Michael's that would be every day! For a while I was going to Matins...but Mono put a stop to that! On some days, I would also be able to make it to Vespers. But lately, my invisible illness has invariably shut me down by around 4 pm and there is just no going to Church at six when you are so tired you can barely lift your head off the pillow of the couch you are lying on. For weeks, I would wake up on a Tuesday or Thursday and think to myself: "Today I will go to Vespers!" But then my body would shut downin the afternoon, and the fatigue and pain would take over, and there would be no going to vespers. Eventually, I think, I stopped hoping and planning. I just gave up. One time I was attending a class on the Church Fathers, and the lecturer decided to hold the lecture in the chapel, after a prayer service. That was a lovely idea, except for the fact that due to my invisible illness, I could not stay in there...the benches in the chapel are NOT designed for someone with an invisible illness to be able to sit without total body pain (at least me). I had to leave half way though. I felt like my invisible illness forced me to be rude.

Whenever there is a great feast, we try to attend the Vesperal Liturgy. But I am usually choosing: Do I eat a snack so that my body has enough energy to BE THERE...and then not take communion because I have not been fasting that afternoon? Or do I fast and then not have the energy to even GO to Church? Quite the ironic conundrum. Thanks to my invisible illness, there are many times when I don't take communion.

My invisible illness is also a challenge for me, because I get a bad attitude. I know on one level that people care about me, but due to my illness I feel so isolated and alone, that I get a chip on my shoulder. And then my sinful self hears things people say with the worst possible spin: "you look great, are you feeling better?" ...I hear it as "Are you finally well yet so that we don't have to hear you whining about your stupid invisible illness?" I know that is NOT what is in the other person's heart and mind when they ask me how I am...but I battle that evil thought in my own mind constantly. My invisible illness leaves me vulnerable that way.

So, these are some ways in which my invisible illness affects my participation in my parish. All these things make me really sad, and this has been a difficult post to write. I hope that someone is blessed by this, or that someone learns something from what I've written.

If I had a wish list for Churches, it would be:

-Have a place with some couches in your Church building, where people with invisible illnesses can sit if they need to. Folding chairs and pews can be utter hell for some of us. Lovely would be a place in the narthex where the service can still be heard... One parish I visited one time had a room downstairs with a TV where the service was piped in on the screen. It was the "cry room" for small children, but such might be nice for the achy and in-pain!
-People with invisible illnesses need prayer all the time every day...just like the shut ins, or others who have chronic life issues. They should be included on the parish prayer list, even if they are too tired or embarrassed to ask to be on there themselves.
-It is not ONLY the elderly who might be infirm. If a young person has a cane, please, don't give that person the yaya stink eye.
-Please consider any building and environmental decisions from the perspective of people with disabilities, include invisible illnesses and total body pain when planning and building new facilities. Please consider having such a voice or voices on the building committee....and if such an ill person does not have the energy to be on a building committee, it behooves such a committee to seek out the ill and infirm to ask them what their needs are.
- People with invisible illnesses are often lonely. Committees and societies might find ways of reaching out to such, but most of all PERSONS need to reach out and include the person with an invisible illness in fellowship, even if it's just having coffee or calling that person on the phone.

Labor Day

2011-09-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

Today is labor day! My plans: I'm going to sew, and get as much as I can done on this one cassok job that has been giving me nothing but stress since the day I got it. I've had a hard time focusing on numbers and such lately and the job is pretty much a design job which I WAY underbid...sigh. I have to make so many customizations on the pattern that I just don't feel like doing....I need to get my brain in gear for it and "git er done" as we say here in Kentucky. The reason I'm pushing myself to sew is that I've been feeling pretty sick lately and that's not going to go away anytime soon. I want to get out from under my current pile-o-jobs and then stop sewing for a while. Heartbreaking, isn't it? But with the mono and the fibro and all that, I've gotten myself into such a BAD PLACE, physically, that I need to put myself on some sort of regimen to rebuild my fitness and my health. And that includes exercise and rest. And in order to exercise, I need to a) have time and b) fob off my other responsibilities such as house work onto the rest of the people who live here. So, I must get the sewing done and then I'm going to actually pack away the sewing machine for a while...or maybe I won't. Maybe I can't bear to do that. But no more big jobs for awhile. Meds: Going back on the Guaifenesin protocol for fibromyalgia. It bites, but it must be done. And exercise: I'm not talking about any massive workouts. Oh no no! My level is to painfully walk A MILE, if I can without my muscles burning too badly (it's a fibro thing) and then perhaps end up in the exercise room for some gentle recumbent bike work. Level 2 resistance is minimal but gives my muscles a bit of something to do. Level 1 is merely movement with no resistance at all. I alternate between the two. That's what I did yesterday. I'll do it again today, and maybe a bit more. The whole point of fobbing off the house work is to get out there and do the "physical therapy" as I call it, without actually GOING to a physical therapist. And diet: Back on the hypoglycemia diet to help control the upward slide that is my weight. It's so depression. The main difference though, is that this time I'm not going to get on the scale. I'm doing this to help my cholesterol levels, to help my pain levels (it really does help) and to manage my energy better. The hardest part is not having bread for breakfast and not having a glass of wine at night. I'll manage. At least for a time. So, that's the other half of my life, other than the "dark night" stuff I wrote about. Church is so weird these days. On the one hand I feel so disconnected, and on the other hand, people are so kind to us and say things like "don't leave, you are such a part of us". I don't get it. Perhaps my love receptors are broken. I think they are. I know they are. God have mercy on me a sinner. And lastly...here's a video that nicely sums up my battle/lack of battle with "the passions". As a matter of fact, I often go round humming "Kill the passions, kill the passions" in the same tune as "kill da wabbit". I battle them, and then I end up falling in love with them again.

Alone in the Struggle: Dark Night of the Soul

2011-09-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

Insert blog post about me feeling sick and tired and in pain from fibro. Insert blog post about me feeling overwhelmed. Same song, eightysevenththousandths verse. Could get better, but it's gonna get worse...as the old song goes.

That's why I have not been blogging lately. I don't want to complain and it's been a season, a YEAR really, of going deep within and seeing the blackness and feeling the desperation of not really belonging anywhere except perhaps to a little cyber community of likeminded and like-illed persons.

And the darkness is black enough for me to really have to struggle to see the people in my life who DO care about me, and who DO love me, to really see that they do.

I don't know that it's depression so much as me struggling against a fleshly response to being chronically ill. Its hard, you know, when nobody outside your family realizes how sick you are and have been for a long long time. I wear that mask, the happy face when I'm out or when I'm at Church. What else is there to do? Be honest? My honesty is my absence. The times when I'm NOT at vespers. The fact that I don't have the energy to make it to Matins because I've been sick with mono since January and now am dealing with the fibromyalgia kick in the pants I knew would be coming on the heels of the mono.

I'm convinced that people don't like chronic illness. Makes them uncomfortable. They want it to go away. Or they want to pretend like it doesn't exist, or they want to give me advice that will fix it. "Have you tried X diet?" "Have you tried X naturopath/doctor/medicine?" All those bits of advice really just serve to make the advice giver feel better and to make the recipient of said advice feel like it's their fault or that if they tried harder, they would be well.

I know people love me, but the do so at arms length. That's not love, folks. That's sentimentality. It's not love.

What about: I know this is a forever thing for you. How can I be with you in your illness? How can I be with you in your struggle?

But that particular thing is the thing that is so rarely heard. Makes me wonder how I can help someone else. Makes me wonder what the purpose of my life might be? Can I return the same love to others, even in the midst of my own illness and struggle...even when I've not been the recipient of such love myself?

God help me to see where I AM such a recipient. Because I suspect that I am, but that I'm just not seeing it right now.

Home Education

2011-08-08T20:55:00.000-07:00

We had a wonderful first day of year five in home educating today. I've decided to, as much as possible, drop the term "home school" and use "home educating" instead. Because we are not "schooling". There's nothing "schoolish" about what we do. We don't stand in lines, call roll, have any security checks, study towards any standardized testing (although we DO have an ACT prep book on our shelf that will get used), or have any nice work stations for each student. There is, however, MUCH that is educational.

We start our day with prayers, of course, followed by Scripture reading, discussion and then lives of saints from the Online Prologue of Ohrid. Next comes History read aloud while the kids take notes, ask questions as needed, etc. Following this, I give a German lesson, much in the same format. I teach, and the kids take notes, and get their vocabulary lists. We work on pronunciation together. I follow this with another read aloud, just for fun, from Grimm's Fairy Tales. Following this, we watch the video lecture from One Year Adventure Novel Together. Well, most of us. My 12 year old goes off and does a writing work book she's working on, motivated by the fact that when the lesson comes where she has to write a restaurant review, I'll take her out to eat and she has her eye on a place called Maggies Pie Kitchen that sells ridiculously huge brownies.

Now it is lunch time and while I cook, various ones practice music, and then we eat. After lunch, the kids are on their own for Math, Science, and working on their writing assignments, literature reading and journaling and dleving a bit more into History. For my older students, this will include a research paper or two this year. The youngers will write reports.

So yes, education in happening in spades. I think my favorite time of day is when I am doing the morning reading time with the kids. We are all together and we can learn and discuss. I'd say the kids are busy from about 8 am until around 4 pm with their learning activities. I hope to be an educator in the morning and seamstress in the afternoon. When WILL I do the grocery shopping???????

Auuuugh! School? What School????

2011-08-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

I am SO NOT READY for the next school year!!!!! And I'm not just talking emotionally. I'm not READY ready. I still need to grade old papers (my goal for the month of August) and figure out exactly what materials I need to get (very little, thankfully, as I already have most of what I need), and so on and so forth.

I need to sit down and write out which subjects each student is going to cover and pick out which literature selections they shall read. And arrange the textbooks on the shelf, etc. etc.

And I need to find some free on-line writing resources on how to write a good persuasive essay and how to write a research paper. Because that's on the table for my High Schoolers this year.

And I need to do some sewing. Always the sewing. I'd rather be sewing than overseeing the Home School, but both are my work, so I'd better DO both. But I think a few sewing jobs will see me the owner of my own lap top, which I really need.

For sure, I need to get this book.

Someday, I'll write the story on how to nickle-and-dime homeschooling and do it on a shoestring, because that is what it sure does feel like, every blessed year!

Our Garden Plot

2011-07-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

Since we are novice gardeners, our plot is a wee bit runty compared to some of our neighbors' plots, but then again, it is better weeded than some, as well. There's a broad spectrum.

But we sure are enjoying the fruits of the earth and those sunflowers, I wish I could make them scratch-and-sniff through the computer! They literally had nectar dripping off them, and they smelled like a sunflower butter and honey sandwich! (I eat sunflower butter instead of peanut butter because I'm allergic to PB.)

2011-07-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I decided that I'm going to count WW points for a little while, again. I took a WW vacay, and since I officially quit paying and going to the meetings, I've had no motivation whatsoever to follow the plan. And I've been feeling, shall we say, a bit bloaty lately, which is the precursor to a huge weight gain, so I decided I'd better do something.

I got on the scale and have NOT in fact gained any weight. Yay

And now people are home and it's time for dinner.

Gotta go, and count those dinner points.

Homemade Raw Milk/Cream Ice Cream

2011-07-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

I used about a 50/50 blend of milk and cream...about 2 quarts, I guess?
4 pastured egg yolks.
1 T. arrowroot powder.
1 tsp guar gum (this was my brilliant addition to help the milk and cream to not separate),
2 T. vanilla.
1/2 cup raw local honey
2 droppers full of liquid vanilla flavored stevia,
2 T. vodka.

I whisked all this together and froze in the ice cream maker as usual (with ice, rock salt, etc.) and then scooped the ice cream into a used and washed plastic ice cream container from the store. After several hours in the freezer to "set"...it is PERFECT. Very frozen, but perfectly scoopable. The vodka did the trick and lends just the faintest sophisticated flavor to it. The kids like it just fine, it's not a strong flavor. They got to eat what would not fit into the freezer container this afternoon. Wes and I are enjoying ours now.

As usual with Raw milk and eggs...know your farmer and use only pastured eggs and milk from healthy grass fed cows.

Summer Time Update

2011-07-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have not written anything on this blog in ages. I've been busy and then there was a stomach bug type thing that I HOPE I'm over and yes, I'm VERY AWARE that all it seems I blog about is how sick I feel or how often I get sick or that my kids are sick or that I'm having a fibromyalgia flare up and waaaah, waaaah, waaaah.

I apologize.

I think the mono is a thing of the past, now.

Lets see...what's been happening? Well, there's the garden. I wish I could write some deeply spiritual gardening wisdom for you all here, but all I have to say is that I've fallen in love with the idea and the process of putting a seed in the dirt, pulling out the competition, giving it water and watching it grow. It's a miracle. We've had a modest harvest of snow peas, about five green beans (the bugs ate the leaves), four or five large Zucchini, with more in the pipline, several batches of fried green tomatoes that fell off the vine too early, one fantatstic ripe heirloom tomato and yesterday Wes came in with some Butternut.

He picked them WAY too early but he said our gardening neighbor said they were ready to pick, so he picked them. I'm going to cook one tonight and see what happens. I especially love the peacefulness of spending a Friday evening out there as a family, weeding, harvesting and watering. It's peaceful out at Blackacre Farm (the public community garden where we have our plot).

In other news, I've opened an esty shop (www.freetocover.etsy.com) and will be adding more selections to that as time goes by, AND I'm working on getting a "little girl's dress" on-line boutique started. We shall see how that goes. I need to spend the afternoon working more on that project.

So, that is what all has been keeping me from blogging. That, and facebook. It's all facebook's fault that I'm not blogging as much as I used to. It is much easier to spew my life in short bites there, than to actually think and write on here. I'll try to do better, I promise.

Hideous Gargoyle

2011-07-09T19:08:00.000-07:00

I seriously thought I was a fat hideous gargoyle when I was a teenager. Clearly I was wrong.

This picture from a box-o-stuff my mom just sent me. I was 17.

Live and learn, I guess.

Busy Busy

2011-07-02T04:36:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, I'm finally ramping up to take my sewing on-line. I've been working on pattern development and fleshing out ideas lately, and pretty soon, there will be some links on this blog and on my other blog, to an etsy store and a selling page.

What will I be making? Little girl's boutique style dresses. Among other things.

Ain't No Cure for the Summer Time Blues

2011-06-12T06:16:00.000-07:00

Some people get very motivated to diet in the summer time. I guess it has something to do with "swimsuit season" and such people live on fruit and cold tea.

I am not such a person (but I want to be). No, for me, summer is the worst, hardest, most difficult of all the seasons for me to lose weight and focus on dieting. Harder than the Thanksgiving/Christmas crush, even. It's just difficult and so of course lately I've been floating around the same weight and not making any progress at all towards my goals, or towards my sub-goals.

This must change. Summer time will always be difficult for me, but I need some strategies. So, today I decided to figure out WHY summer is such a bad zone for me, and WHAT I can do about it. Here's what I came up with:

1. I love that summer time feeling of being kicked back, relaxed, not working quite as hard, that feeling of being "on vacation". And face it folks, monitoring and limiting my eating is HARD WORK and takes ATTENTION TO DETAIL. Perhaps it shouldn't be, but it is.

2. The weather is hot and I want ice cream.

3. It is too hot to exercise. (Well, I have not really been doing that anyways, because I've been sick, but I need to start now that I'm recovering).

4. It is too easy to stay up late and sleep in and lose a potentially productive part of my day that way.

5. Summer time parties, outings, visiting friends, day trips, etc. Events that center around food make me want to say "just this once"...Fall and winter might have Thanksgiving and Christmas, but Summer time has Memorial Day, Labor Day, Fourth of July, etc. etc. etc. There can be something going on every week if we let it, and our family is not even popular!

OK, so here are my strategies (and I'm telling myeslf I'm going to do this-MUST do this- but I'll be honest and say that it will be HARD):

1. That "kicked-back" feeling? I just need to stuff it and find other ways to relax.

2. My desire for ice cream: I can eather put up with the semi-nasty fat free sugar free stuff (2 points per serving) OR I can budget and carefully measure some of the good stuff. I need to cut down on my sugar eating anyways. OR I can stuff it and just eat fruit.

3. Too hot to exercise: Oh please. I can exercise indoors. At home, at the exercise room, or I can go walk at the mall, as long as I don't buy Godiva Chocolates while I"m there, right? Or I can get up early and go for a morning walk. There's not much of an excuse with so many options. And there's always the pool.

4. Staying up too late: Actually it seems that the early light summer mornings have been helping me to re-adjust to getting up early and then I"m more sleepy in the pm. Avoiding caffeine is key.

5. Parties and events: Need a plan, strategy, formula...half the plate filled with fruits and veggies kind of thing. One serving and no more. Pass on the dessert.

It is a fact that I've been in denial for SO long about each individual little food choice I make making a difference. And at the end of the day I scratch my head and ask: "Why me?" Well, it's because of that little choice, this little bite, that one dessert...multiplied by 365 by 41. It all adds up.

So, Summertime is hard. Truly, if I can get through the summer and lose ten pounds, I will be EXTATIC. If I can get through the summer and lose five pounds, I will be very pleased. If I merely maintain my weight through the summer and start losing again in the fall, I will be satisfied and happy. Because LAST SUMMER I GAINED 20 POUNDS. And that, my friends, won't be happening this year.

Zoo Trip

2011-06-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

Today (my parents are visiting this week) we went to the Zoo. It was ridiculously hot and our pace was very slow and we only made it about 1/3 of the way around the zoo before it was time to buy some drinks for everyone (the kids having dumped most of their water bottles over their heads) and catch the trolley to the top of the hill and head home.

Various ones of us (OK, everybody) was complaining of various symptoms of approaching heat exhaustion, despite my constant hydration attempts.

Going home was good. It was the hottest freakin' day of the year so far, I think.

Ah, air conditioning!

How did we ever live without it?

One cold shower some salty chips later, I was feeling a bit better and my skin had lost it's lovely red and white mottled appearance. Dinnner was good, too. I'd had the foresight to cook the vegetable curry before our zoo trip, so all I had to do was heat it up. Rice in the crock pot.

Before all that, in the morning, my mom and I headed to the thrift store because I'd seen some dishes like a set she has there, and we went to check and see if she could replace a plate that had broken. Not only did she find that, and some larger plates, and some clothes, I found an awesome decorative fruit bowl, three more bed sheets (in pale yellow, lilac and black) that will get converted into kid's pajama pants and night gowns, and some drinking glasses that coordinate with some I already own, and three shirts for Wes.

So, it was a very fun day. My family laughed and joked a lot and I realized that not only do I look a lot like my dad, we joke the same way and have similar ways of pontificating about bullshitty stuff that we are merely supposing, as if our suppositions are fact and making a constant barrage of horrible puns.

Ah, family!

Good times had by all.

More Sewing

2011-06-07T19:05:00.001-07:00

Today I sewed two dresses. I decided to challenge myself, and see if I could do two dresses, start to finish in one day. Wow! The serger really speeds things up and since I did both dresses with white thread, I was able to do some of the work "assembly line" style.

At the end of the second dress, I had to go to the store to get the right shade of green thread to do the hems on the sleeves and bottom of the skirt. I also used the green thread for the button holes. I'll have to post a picture of the green dress later, since I don't have one yet. But here is the whimsical read print dress. Again, buttons were from my grandmother's stash.

Thrift Store Motherlode of Fabric

2011-06-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

Since I had such good success whipping out this shirtwaist dress, and since it is (surprise surprise!) a decently flattering style on me, I decided to hit the local thrift store and see what there was there for sheets.

Pale green-awesome color on me. Retro looking flower pint-I'm thinking this will need some maroon piping around the collar. Blue plaid-a shirt waist dress for B who expressed a desire for a retro-looking dress herself. And the blue fabric-such a lovely shade of blue. It would look lovely with white.

House dresses, here I come!

Inspired to Sew a Cotton Dress

2011-06-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

After a recent discussion on an e-mail list I'm a part of, and the finding of the fabulous sewing blog The Opulent Poppy, I decided to be both thrifty, seamstressy, and retro, and make a 1930's/1940's inspired dress out of a Nautica sheet I'd bought at the thrift store one time. Cost: $2.50. The buttons are from my Meemaw's stash that I inherited a few years ago.

This is the first sewing project I've done where I used my machines almost to their maximum capacity...using the serger where appropriate, and even using the blind hem stitch on the bottom and the sleeves. The ONLY hand work was sewing the button holes. I can practically whip them out by hand faster than I can set up and figure out how to do them on the machine. (I should really force myself to learn but I DO SO love doing them by hand!). This project took about three hours sewing, at the most, and was my first time using the blind hem stitch and my new serger on a garment.

The top part of the dress is the top of the Romantic Blouse Pattern from Sensibility.com with modified sleeves. The skirt is a made-by-me narrow A-line. Alas, I did not have enough fabric to make any pockets.

So, without further ado:

Love Mercy, Do Justice, Walk Humbly...

2011-06-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'm bothered. I can't get this article I read out of my mind. I saw it on Facebook yesterday, and it is about the minimum wage in Haiti. Apparently, the Haitians wanted to raise their minimum wage from 31 cents and hour all the way up to 61 cents an hour. Can you imagine how good this would have been for Haitian minimum wage workers, to have their wages doubled? Wow. That would have been huge.

But it didn't happen.

It didn't happen because the U.S. State department got involved due to the lobbying of Hanes and Levis, who have garment factories in Haiti.

Oh no! We American's can't possibly spend a few cents more per t-shirt or per pair of blue jeans because those huge companies don't want their profits to diminish. Their profits are in the millions. Billions. Huge.

And we here in America are having such HARD TIMES aren't we, that we MUST have cheap t-shirts and Levis jeans. Such hard times that the U.S. State Department has to intervene (threaten? cajole? Be heavy handed?) in the democratic workings of another sovereign nation where sometimes the poor eat dirt?????!!!!!.

I'm pissed.

I feel like as an American I am inextricably tied up in a system that perpetuates evils here at home and abroad, and that it is nearly impossible for me to escape being part of this system. And as an American, there are SOOOO many pressures to consume, consume, consume. I'm "supposed" to do that. I'm supposed to shop shop shop and want want want.

Being sick, and watching more TV and doing less busy stuff than I'm wont to do under normal circumstances, I've seen lots of TV commercials lately. And the gist of them all is: Buy more stuff and protect the stuff you buy by buying insurance on it. Geico commericals and Allstate commercials might be entertaining (I'd love to see mayhem versus the Gekko in a Godzilla-like showdown, but I digress...), but they are also telling.

And the bottom line is, all this being a part of a messed up system that exploits others is damaging to our own souls, I believe.

And I'm not even touching on the various evils of the food industry...

How do I extricate myself? In what thousand little ways can I stop participating in all of this brokenness?

I wish I were well, and rarin' to go. I would SO like to get up and DO things. But for now, I wait, and think, and contemplate and pray.

Lord, please help me to get my strength back, and show me the way to love mercy, do justice, and walk humbly with my God!

Mono Blues

2011-06-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm really really struggling with the diet this week. I'm SUPER hungry, for some reason. And all I want is icecream and FOOD. Like chicken and lasagna. I know, I can have some. But I'm SO TIRED all the time from the mono that I'm still not over, and I'm wondering if restricting food to the level of actual weight loss is hindering my recovery.

Of course, wondering that, makes me lose ALL motivation to actually try to lose weight. What if I worked on maintaining for a while? I don't want to go hog wild and gain everything back bause it's taken me about five months to lose about 12 pounds. That's really really slow. And I could easily gain that all back in a month.

So I'm scared, and worried and Oh. So. Tired.

I"m at that "giving up" wall. But I can't give up. I won't give up.

I just need to find a way to get better, get healed and get over this extreme fatigue.

I want to exercise but I'm so tired that I can barely contemplate doing one load of laundry. Today was spent on the couch. Except for when I was actually sleeping in my bed.

So, that's me right now. I'm so tired that yes, I had a second piece of lasagna at dinner. And I'm so tired I don't care.

Grateful

2011-05-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

Why am I ALWAYS sick? I've had this cough for a week and a half now, and tomorrow I'm going to find a doctor. If my regular doc can't fit me and the kids in, we'll find an Urgent Treatment Center because...drumroll...now it feels like bronchitis.

Of course, I'm sick. I have mono. Still. Blood tests confirmed it recently, blardy-dar.

So of course it's harder for my poor body to fight off a cold. And the cold going around is a doozy. And now, it is just sitting in my brochial area, and it just aches and I cough and cough and cough.

So, these are the challenges I've been facing.

And my new Weight Watchers pedometer went through the wash. I'm hoping I can rescue it by letting it sit in a jar of rice for a few days. The rice will help dry out the electronic components and hopefully it will restore it to functionality. I've heard it can work for cell phones, so surely it will work for a measly pedometer.

Other than that, what else is going on? Sure have been laying low a lot lately, thanks to illness. I really would like to "go and do" more...ah, today I had to take Wes to the dentist, since he needed some Valium and some laughing gas to get through it all, so I had some time and I found a thrift store, and scored some sweet lace trimmed flannel pillowcases and a couple of Battenberg Lace shams. Yay! While I was there I got really nauseous and sick feeling. Probably because I was over doing it since I'm, like, sick with about three things right now.

And I SO wish I could just focus on doing nothing but lose weight. Like the contestants on the Biggest Loser (Congrats to Olivia, the winner!). But I can't. The fact that I'm losing anything at all right now is a freakin' miracle of grace from God. I'm tellin' ya.

But I'll take it. ANY movement in the downwards direction is to be celebrated.

I can already tell a difference in how easy it is to live in my body, and I'm still in the 230's. But I'm here to say, it sure as heck beats being in the 240's. Even just the little bit I've lost has made a huge difference in how easy it is to do certain things, and my knees don't hurt like they used to. I'm SO GRATEFUL for that.

I'm grateful. That's how I'm feeling these days. Grateful to be on this journey. Grateful to be able to rest when I need to rest (which is often) and grateful for each day that I get through, and grateful to be eating REAL FOOD, in NORMAL quantities and grateful for the new Weight Watchers program that is so easy to stick with and that is teaching me new eating habits. And even though I'm sick, I'm grateful for the things I'm learning through all this.

My Tracking Game

2011-05-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, I lost weight again this week. Which, on the one hand, since I have a really bad cold and I did not think my body would multi-task that well, is very astonishing, but on the other hand, since I have been faithfully tracking my points and drinking TONS of water is not surprising at all. 1.2 pounds. I'll take it.

So, have I told you all of my motivational tracking game? A few weeks back I was having a real huge struggle with tracking points faithfully and so I made some rules: For each day that I track, I get a dollar of "allowance". If I track for seven days, I get to keep the money no matter if I lose weight or gain. If I track for less than seven days, I only get to have the money from the days I tracked that week IF I lost weight.

This game is motivating me, and I am happy to report that I have earned nineteen dollars in the past three weeks, to go towards a pedicure once I've accumulated enough cash to pay for such a procedure.

I've never had a pedicure in my life. I'm a bit nervous about someone carving my hooves off. Perhaps I should contact a farrier instead?

And I've been steadily losing weight, which is the whole point of the game. Another sub point of the game is to teach myself to do with non food awards. I'm not good at that. Since I"m a fat person, it's obvious that I've tended to use food as a reward in the past. So, there's a bonus...something good to learn.

I wish I could work out, but instead I'm sitting on the couch, waiting for the results on my spleen test, nursing this mono and a cold, and drinking water. Woop dee do. When I hit twenty pounds lost, I'll put up another picture of myself.

I need to perk this blog up with more pictures, recipes etc.

Keepin' it Real!

2011-05-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

Yeah baby! That should be the NAME of this blog. Seriously. But instead, it's the title of the FIRST EVER BLOG AWARD for me to receive!!!! I'm stoked. Thanks so much to Genevieve and her generosity, and Matushka Anna for inventing the blog award in the first place.

Yeah, I was so excited to receive this blog award, that I immediately had to have a ferocious coughing fit, sending me in search of some clean pj's (anyone whose had four kids knows what I'm talking about). See, this is what excitement does in my life and I SO don't need it. But a blog award. Now, IF I can figure out how to paste the fancy little picture here we'll all be thrilled, right? Here I go....

I got it on the second try! Just keepin' it real, folks!

...now....whom shall I nominate??????? Let me think about it.

Update: I would like to nominate Juliana from Abide and Endeavor for the "Keepin' it Real" blog award.

A Journey Towards Health

2011-05-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

So, I went back to the doctor to talk about how my mono recovery is going and basically: It's not. I'm still sick. On top of that, me and all the kids (well, I think there might be one who has not succumbed yet) have really bad cough/congestion type colds. I'm hoping a week will see us recovered from those.

But the mono: It's been four months now, and it is STILL WITH ME, according to the bloodwork.

Clearly I'm not resting enough. I need to figure out a way to massively change my lifestyle for the next how-ever-long, so that I can get over the mono.

What else can I do? Healthy eating: doing it. Plenty of water: doing it. Exercise: Avoiding it as I am supposed to be at this time.

All this makes losing weight seem sort of funny right now. But ironically, I AM slowly losing weight. I figure if even through this adversity I can manage to change my eating habits for the better, it's only to the good.

It's really difficult to force myself to be still and NOT exercise. I want to be so much more active than I am able to be. But whenever I do ANYTHING at all, my spleen hurts.

In fact, I went and had my spleen ultrasounded on Monday. I'm still waiting for the results of that particular test. Is it bruised? Swollen? Why's it hurting? I don't know yet.

So having a nasty, massive head/chest cold this week is sort of a blessing because it's forcing me to rest, rest and rest some more. Like I ought to be doing for the mono.

I don't think it's possible for a human to eat any healthier than I'm eating. Really. I've made "all those" changes. So that's going along. What else is there that I can do, but rest and pray and eat healthier and then as I'm recovered add exercise to my life?

It seems so easy to take our health for granted. I think society often sends the message that if we are fat and obese it is our fault, and we can do everything we need to do about it to get better. But I say this: I did not set out to become fat and obese. The problem was, I did not figure out, heretofore, how to live my life so that I would NOT become fat and obese. I didn't do it on purpose, but merely failed to prevent it... but hopefully in finding the solution to this problem, I will find the solution to its future prevention as well.

Meanwhile, I need to find out how to recover from having mono. It's all the same: A journey towards health. I wish it were simple but instead it's this incredibly complicated thing.

Its a journey, not a step.

2011-05-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

Lost another two and a half pounds this week! Woot woot. And that was with inefficient tracking over the weekend.

I'll take it. I'm not quite where I was before I blew it over Pascha, but getting closer.

Mental struggles galore, but I'm getting to the bottom of some of those nasty issues that have been bugging me for the past thirty years or so. I don't really want to blog about them, but I can guarantee you that if you have a weight problem, you probably have similar such issues.

It's good to look inside and fix what's broken. And allow God to fix what's broken. And to find the support you need in your life for this journey, because the journey towards healing is not a one-stop deal. It's a journey.

So I'm on the slow road. But I'm on the road. The weather's gotten suddenly hot here in KY and my mono has had a flare up. I wonder if I should call the doctor about the off and on pain in my slpeen area that I've been having for the past few months? Hmmmm. Sounds expensive. Hmmmm, but it's not going away on its own. Hmmmmm.

So, it's a journey not a step. I've always wanted it to be a step. But it's not. So, here's to taking the next step. And the one after that, and the one after that.

And by the way: Fage greek yogurt is FANTASTIC, super high in protein, only 3 points per cup (of the plain, fat free stuff) and makes fruit salad into a meal, not a snack. It's so creamy tasting that I could not eat a whole cup all at once. So, that's my new food find of the week.

And I've discovered I really don't care for papaya. But credit to me for trying a new food.

Fear and Loathing in the Summer Time

2011-05-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

Lost about three and a half this week, which gets me half way towards losing the seven pounds I'd regained during Holy Week and Pascha (Easter). I'm not convinced ANY of it is actually BODY FAT. But whatever. The lady at weight watchers never asks "And, so how were your bowel movements this week, dear?" Nope its always "Wow, this plan really works when you stick with it, doesn't it!"

Yuppers.

It may not sound like it very much, based on the level of snark that is likely leaking through here, but I really am pleased with the WW program. I like tracking. I like the accountability and I like that its very "real life" compatible. This morning I still had a slice of my daughter's chocolate birthday cake (we do birthday breakfasts because who wants cake after a full meal, right?) and counting the points and such. It's all good.

No, the snark is simply because I am TIRED OUT from a day of Hellmart, waiting forever at the beauty salon and going to COSTCO, and when I finally got home I was too dead to unload the groceries (thankfully I have minions who helped) and make dinner. So my husband got home from work and put away groceries, cleaned the kitchen which was magically gross again even though I'd done the breakfast/lunch dishes earlier in the day), and cooked supper.

And the snark is from vast amounts of fear and loathing circulating through my brain right now about the fact that summer is almost here and summer is the hardest season.

I fear summer. It means being fat in summer clothes. No, wait! I would love to be merely FAT in summer clothes. It means being OBESE in summer clothes and I just never ever know how to dress or what to wear and how to stay cool and be nice-looking and decent and modest. Gah. And then there's talk of people wanting to go swimming and that means Mom has to be out there by the pool, too and that means ME. in. a. swimsuit. Gah!

Every summer I daydream about NEXT summer when everything will be different. When I'll be thin.

I'm so sick of that stupid hope because it freaking NEVER HAPPENS. ...but this year I'm a good little weight watcher and I AM tracking and the program really really really does work cross my fingers click my heels together and spit over my left shoulder. Yeah. andIamwearingmypedometerandwalkingmorethanthefreakin'FRENCHeverydayand...and...and.

And I look in the mirror and it's fear of summer, it's self loathing and its sadness and depression. Even though I'm doing this weight loss thing, I have that tortoise charm on my bracelet to remind me that it's going to be a long haul.

I've got to figure this summer time thing out because I tend to GAIN and not lose weight when the weather heats up.

Foolinesh!

2011-04-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Pascha happened. Now I'm back on track. Yes, I gained quite a bit of weight. Almost all? Seven pounds in the last two weeks? Yes, it's true.

This is what not tracking for a week, and having a few bad weeks before that where I half tracked, will get me.

But it is a new beginning and I will NOT give up. I have not given up. I did not give up.

It's just that Pascha happened and my sleep got all topsy turvy and that has made all sorts of other things irregular and I am SO READY to be tracking again. Enjoying it, actually.

I feel more secure this way. And that is a load off my mind.

Burn it and Earn it

2011-04-14T16:35:00.001-07:00

Well, I managed to lose weight this week (1.2 pounds). I had a little chat with the WW leader and asked for her advice: What do I do if I have a really really bad day, and blow it really bad? Do I ditch all the weekly points and limp along for the rest of the week without using them, or do I pick up the next day and start fresh and still have my weekly points? She told me to do the latter. Good to know.

I did not think I'd lose weight this week because I sort of blew the weekend, what with the AHG camping trip and all. But I guess my workouts and choices in general combined to make it an OK week. I definitely want to track better in the coming weeks.

I have also hit my own personal wall. I'm starting to bump up against the reality that I have big food issues and compulsive eating and I have to deal with the emotional aspects of why I'm overweight (emotional eating, compulsive eating, stress eating and I MUST learn to deal with emotions in non-food-related ways...BUT HOW?????). By now that the program does not feel like a fun game anymore, but rather like WORK (I still like it but it's pain-in-the-butt factor has dramatically increased here lately). Work is not a bad thing. I'm learning to embrace the work, to set goals and find ways to meet them.

One thing I'm going to do is pay myself to track. Here is my "Burn it and Earn it" plan:

For each day that I track, I get a dollar. If I track perfectly all week, I get to keep those seven dollars, regardless of whether I've lost weight. The tracking habit is the thing.

IF I do not track perfectly all week, I get to keep the dollars for the days I DO track IF I LOSE WEIGHT and ONLY if I lose. If not, I don't get to earn those dollars.

My initial thought is to save up and earn a serger this way, but it might be that I really need that serger before the weeks will go by to earn it this way. If I get a serger for my home sewing business before then, I will figure something else out that I really want and try to earn that thing.

So, that's my plan to keep myself on track with tracking.

So far, I'm down 15 pounds from my all time high weight that I'd hit last fall. Down about 13 pounds since starting WW. Happy progress!

Weigh in Report after a crummy week

2011-04-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

I really struggled last week with food cravings, urges to compulsively eat and too many glasses of wine (too many from a Weight Watchers perspective, not from a drunken sot perspective).

Well, yesterday I faced the music, and found I'd gained a mere .2 pounds. I'll take it. Mild punishment, indeed!

And my workouts are progressing very nicely. I designed a lovely 30 minute "dumbell circuit" workout where I alternate between weights and the rebounder. AND I've bumped up my dumbells to eight pounds since the five pounders I started out with seemed too easy after my initial soreness wore off.

I decided to start training for a 5K which will be on May 22, so I'm going to be doing some walking workouts in addition to the cardio/weights.

I promised you all I'd share this workout with you, and so here it is:

Each exercise is done continuously for 30 seconds, followed by 30 seconds of jogging in place on a mini trampoline (or on the floor, or one could use a step, and step up and down).

Equipment I use: 8# dumbells (or whatever is appropriate), mini trampoline, and a chair. And music certainly helps. At my house I do this workout in the kitchen so that I can watch the timer on the Microwave oven clock to switch activities at the right time.

1. Alternate shoulder press (shoulders)
2. Simultaneous curls (biceps)
3. Right side, overhead triceps extensions (triceps)
4. Pencil Squeeze (back)
5. Counertop pushups (chest/arms)
6. Squats (butt and thighs)
7. Calf raises (calves)
8. Side lateral raises (shoulders)
9. Alternate hammer curls (biceps)
10. Left side, overhead triceps extensions (triceps)
11. Simultaneous upright rows (lats)
12. Countertop pushups (chest/arms)
13. dead lifts (leg/butt)
14. plies/calf raises (calves)
15. Alternate front raises (shoulders)
16. Alternate curls (biceps)
17. Right side, chair rows
18. Right side, triceps push backs
19. More wretched pushups
20. seated wall press (legs and butt killers)
21. toes in calf raises.
22. simultaneous shoulder press
23. simultaneous hammer curls
24. Left tricep push back
25. Left chair row
26. More stankin' push ups.
27. Squats, again.
28. Crunches
29. Leg lifts
30. Just stay down and do some more abdominal work until the timer goes off, fer cryin' out loud because you are too tired to get back up again.

Google will most likely be your friend in helping you find out what these exercises are. I think weight lifting is fun and a relatively painless way to get some total body fitness happening. One can be deliberate and precises and track one's progress in a systematic way. Good music will stave off the utter boredom of it all, and with enough consistency, one can carry more groceries, and stuff, and look like She-Hulk. What's not to love about that?

Georgian Orthodox Priest and some Uncreated Light

2011-04-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Knees,

2011-04-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've done this to you. You hurt. I know you do. You have to haul all this extra weight around and you just don't like it. You don't like it when I exercise, but I have to, so that eventually you won't have to carry such a heavy load. You especially don't like stairs. I'm so sorry I thought I was invincible and that there would be no consequences to each individual choice I made.

But I know better now.

Each choice I made is added to each other choice I made. And now you hurt.

Dear Knees,

I'm so sorry.

I'm trying to fix it. You inspire me and motivate me to fix what's broken about me, so that you won't be broken.

love,

Me.

Today I Blew It

2011-04-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is a new day and I will begin again with counting points.

White-Knuckling It

2011-04-03T08:02:00.000-07:00

Look what I found at the thrift store yesterday!

...along with a large George Foreman grill in pristine condition, a white comforter, also in pristine condition, and a copy of the classic book The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair, oh...and some dinner plate. I'm forever collecting random dinner plates in various blue and white patterns for my "country eclectic" dining set. These five are scalloped white stoneware with little blue flowers. Pretty much perfect, if you ask me.

I've hit my first big mental dieting wall this weekend. It all started with me working too hard yesterday and getting over tired. I thought I was over all that over-tired business, but apparently not. Between the errands I ran in the morning, the concentrated sewing I did in the afternoon, and the kitchen work I did shortly before Vespers yesterday, I was dead on my feet by the time vespers came around. Managed to put on a brave face and go. Then Wes and I were supposed to go out on a little date, and we did but I was miserable and not feeling well, so home we went and I crawled in bed with chills and did not even brush my teeth, since I fell asleep reading in a matter of moments. This never happens to me....except it did.

This morning I woke up wondering what to do and Wes said: Extreme rest for you. Stay in bed. So, here I am at home again on a Sunday morning. I'm not going to lift a finger at all today.

And when I get over tired, I want to eat. Unfortunately, I fell into a bowl of koliva (boiled wheat with raisins, cinnamon, graham cracker crumbs, powdered sugar and candied almonds which is brought to Church and served as a memorial when someone has a memorial prayer service for someone who has died) that I had made for a friend whose mother had recently died. Having NO IDEA how many points is in that stuff, and being very tired and hungry I just at some of it. And then ate some more. And then went to Panera where I had a half a veggie sandwich and a bowl of black bean soup and some of the bread, but not all of the bread, and 1/4 of a strawberry scone when I gave half of my half to Wes.

And then when I got home I had to sample some bites of the cheesy noodle casserole I'd prepared for the kids and a bite of the pizza Eric had made for himself. I wanted more than the couple of bites I took...lots more, but the fact that I ate any at all is...horrid, to me. And I was not even hungry.

I think falling asleep quickly and early was a mercy because I remember lying in my bed with that feeling that I just want to eat EVERYTHING in the house and making a deliberate choice not to, since I'd already almost eaten everything, as it was.

And that urge is still with me this morning. Forcing myself to be good. And I'm having a really hard time with it. So, here I am, blogging about it.

I want to eat when I'm stressed, and I REALLY want to eat when I'm over-tired. I know this about myself. I hope as time goes by I can develop some helpful strategies to overcome these urges. Today, I'm just going to white-knuckle my way through the day and hope for the best.

Weight Loss/Dieting Update

2011-03-31T09:58:00.000-07:00

I've dropped another 2.4 pounds this week (did that same week before last and then stayed at the same weight last week, so am anticipating another "stay the same" week coming up, perhaps?). Down 11.6 pounds so far and am now focusing like an eagle on the 220's which are just around the corner. Yeah, I was in the top half of the 240's when I started this trip down weight loss lane.

But my motto remains "slow and steady wins the race" and I bought a little tortoise/turtle charm for my charm bracelet to remind myself to be patient with the process.

Meanwhile, I'm utterly addicted to watching Biggest Loser. I know they are going at breakneck speed down the weight loss superhighway, but it's inspiring nonetheless. My very blunt twelve year old son tells me: "Mom, you would NEVER survive at the ranch...because of your fibromyalgia, you know." Ok, thanks for that, son. He keeps it all real.

The other corner that I've rounded is that for the most part I'm over the mono stuff, and have started finding the energy to exercise again. What that looks like for me, is putting in a very boring 30 minutes on the treadmill in the exercise room. If/when we move away from this apartment complex, I will MISS that treadmill, and start saving up my sewing money to buy one of my own...that, or an eliptical machine.

The reason I think this would be a worthy investment, when for years I've been a sneakers and sidewalk kind of girl: The machine forces me to work at a harder pace. I can use my brain to force my body to work at 3.5 mph as opposed to just walking. I don't think, out of doors, I can go faster than 3 mph.

This week I plan on developing a routine that uses weights alternating in 30 second segments with the mini-trampoline. Like a Curves work out. I'll post something here about it when I have it all figured out. My biggest challenge is to figure out how to get that every thirty second warning bell thing going. I think I'll have to pull the trampoline into the kitchen, and just watch the microwave timer counting down 30 minutes and change up what I'm doing every thirty seconds. Lame, I know. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Current addictions: Stevia sweetened decaf iced tea. WHY have I been craving iced tea? I don't know, but I'm gonna go with it.

And fruit. I'm still LOVING the fruit that is ZERO points plus on the new Weight Watchers program. I've never starved or gone to bed hungry. I'm not unusually hungry between meals, and I'm learning portion control and better long term eating habits than I had before. \

So yes, this is week NINE for me, and I'm still LOVING it. Not sick of it yet, and that is a VERY GOOD THING.

Vile Smell of the Week

2011-03-25T13:19:00.001-07:00

Somehow, without really planning on it, I've done a good bit of cleaning this week. This morning there as an inconclusive odor in my kitchen. I cleaned up the pantry shelves, checking all the squashes, onions, garlic, potatoes, fruit...no rot there to speak of.

I even CLEANED THE REFRIDGERATOR!!!!! (it was nasty)

Still, the vile smell persisted.

I finally figured out what it is.

And the problem is, I can't do much about it right now. ech.

See, last week, maintenance came and installed a brand spankin' new dishwasher. You'd think this would be a good thing, right?

Well, so far, not.

Because it does not drain right.

And I've been SO BUSY that I've not called them to report the problem.

So there's been brown waters sitting in the bottom of the dishwasher for about a week.

And now it smells. REALLY BAD, IT SMELLS.

Like sewage.

Oh, lovely.

And other than running the dishwasher again (which I'm doing, it may be the biggest mistake I could make but I do live impetuously) with some vinegar, and lighting a candle, there's NOTHING I can do but nag maintenance.

So that, my friends, is keepin' it real.

Oh yeah, and I've been eating a LOT of hummus lately, so there are the hummus farts. But the dishwasher is worse. Far, far worse.

Tim McGraw - Southern Voice (Official video)

2011-03-17T23:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so it's two am and I'm going to torture my blog readers with some music selections that I like. Yes, I'm southern, and I like Tim McGraw.

Oh and by the way...

2011-03-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

I lost some more weight today for a grand total of 9.4 so far since I started Weight Watchers. Those drips and drabs of weight loss DO add up. I got myself a turtle charm for my charm bracelet to remind me of my "slow and steady" motto.

Bangers 'n Mash for St. Patrick's Day

2011-03-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

It's lent. So there's no real meat in this dish.

Mashed potatoes, however your family eats them.

Steamed cabbage-a whole head chopped and steamed above the water that is cooking the potatoes.

Sautee in some water or cocounut oil 2 large onions, sliced. When these are clear/caramelizing, add a package of mushroom slices, salt, pepper and two packages of Morning Star vegan breakfast links.

Let this cook with a lid on the skillet until the meat and mushrooms are done. Add some water and a bit more salt and some flour to thicken the gravy.

Serve this over the mashed potatoes and cabbage.

I make NO CLAIMS that this is authentic Irish food. I got the idea for this dish from something I ate a Molly Malone's-the (so-called) Irish Pub chain.

It was yummy. The real thing, of course, is yummier. But alas, not lenten.

Don't Wait Until Tomorrow

2011-03-08T14:38:00.000-08:00

One of the things I've been thinking about in my weight loss journey is the idea of "don't wait until tomorrow". In order to embrace the process, rather than be obsessed with the end result. I have got to (and am actually doing it) develop a "don't wait until tomorrow" attitude.

I think I started learning this lesson last year, when I went spelunking. Ok, so it was with a bunch of kids (I'm an American Heritage Girls assistant leader) and it WAS a "mini cave tour" but we were indeed on our hands, knees and bellies and it was complete with helmets, mud and scary tight places. And it was very very dark.

So, I thought it would be a terrifying experience. But it was not. It was exhilirating and FUN.

If I had waited until I was thinner, I never would have gone.

Three years ago, when I was working on failed WW attempt number X, I had it in my mind that I wanted a red dress. I thought it would be such a nice "after" thing to wear, you know? Red and sassy and...lovely. Cue that old 80's song "Lady in Red"...

Well, the other day, I had the thought that I really should NOT wait until some mythical someday. I needed to consider finding a red dress in my size NOW.

Now, as you all know, I'm a consumate thrift store shopper and it's not like one can go to the thrift store and order up something stylish and specific and have it be there waiting for you in your size.

But sometimes, SOMETIMES...OK, it happens A LOT (a lot, a lot, which is why I suspect Divine Conspiracy) I go to the thrift store to see what I can find and there it is: The very item I needed or wanted. That happened today. I found that red dress. In the perfect shade of red. With the perfect cut. With no faded or worn areas. In my size NOW.

And it is lovely.

And NO ONE will be able to convince me that God did not put it right there...just for me.

And so now, it's my "don't wait until tomorrow" dress. And it's also my "God loves me even at my current size" dress. I'm feelin' the LOVE.

Food Worlds Collide

2011-03-07T19:18:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I"m a big fan of Nourishing Traditions, by Sally Fallon, and the nutritional philosophy of the Weston A. Price Foundation.

As many of you also know, I'm an Orthodox Christian, and it is now Lent, and there are certain religiously prescribed (strongly suggested but no one is going to hell if the fast is not followed) fasting rules.

Also, my doctor has me, lo these many years, on a carb-moderated eating plan.

AND I'm doing weight watchers.

Ka-BLAM!!!!!

Talk about food worlds colliding!

So, here I offer you a WW friendly, Lent friendly, WAPF friendly not-so low carb but still smart enough because it's sugar free YUMMO dessert:

Frozen Banana with homemade sugar free healhty "magic shell":

1 Frozen banana, cut into 4 chunks.
1 T. coconut oil, melted
1 T. cocoa powder
pinch salt
4 packets of stevia
tiny bit of vanilla flavor

Mix the oil the the ingedients following. Roll the frozen banana pieces in the chocolate sauce. It will harden and form a shell.

Eat it.

I usually have enough for two bananas. The sauce comes to 4 WW points. Really good "treat" snack with a healthy traditional oil.

An Icon Cloth

2011-03-07T19:12:00.000-08:00

My husband was cleaning out his corner of the bedroom, and lo and behold he found an icon cloth I'd embroidered for him years and years ago. I was going through an embroidery phase, never having learned proper embroidery technique, or anything. Just an effort.

At any rate, I thought it was pretty and so here it is:

Forgiveness Sunday and the Beginning of Lent

2011-03-07T05:04:00.000-08:00

I missed Church yesterday. Both the Divine Liturgy and the Forgiveness Vespers service. I was sick in bed, alternating falling asleep with having chills and being achy and very very hungry all at the same time.

Mono rears it's ugly everlasting head.

So, dear blog readers, I put this out there in the spirit of Forgiveness Sunday, even though it is Clean Monday today, the first day of Lent for Orthodox Christians:

Forgive me, my sisters and my brothers, for any sins I have committed against you in what I have written here, and in what I have not written. And for those of you precious ones whom I know in real life, forgive me for my words and my deeds, and for my lack of words and lack of deeds. Forgive me, my brother and my sisters, for I have sinned.

And now we begin our lenten journey. I feel like it's been lent for all of 2011 as I've been dealing with the slowness and the quietness of illness and exhaustion beyond what I'm used to deal with with Fibromyalgia.

There are nights when I lie in bed, not yet having fallen asleep, and I think desperately off all that I have to accomplish. And believe you me, I AM delegating everything I can to my kids. My teenaged daughters, especially, have been an invaluable help to me. Everyone in my family has made so many sacrifices. We've simply NOT gone and done as many cool things as we might otherwise have done if I were well. People have been patient.

And this week, is THE WEEK, for getting wedding dress number two done. Well, maybe not "done, done" but this afternoon is the first fitting, and the bride is in town from out of town all this week, so our goal is to get things to the point where I can finish the dress with no more fittings, on my own.

God have mercy, it's gonna be a doozy! I keep obsessing about how to put things together, and after today I'll have a much better idea of how precisely to proceed, as my ideas and the bride's ideas will mesh together to come up with a plan. There are various options that must be discussed and decided upon. The implementing of them will be a relief.

So, dear friends, I covet your prayers as usual. It's going to be a busy week. I hope God grants me enough strength to do this work AND make it to some of the Church services.

Self Examination

2011-03-04T21:01:00.000-08:00

One of the things I am determined to do as I travel along this weight loss journey of mine, is to reflect on the inner workings of my psyche and my motivations and my REASONS for over eating.

I no longer want to be blind to that darker side of me that sometimes just wants to EAT and eat heedlessly.

Following the Weight Watchers program is like keeping a river within it's banks. For years I've always chastised myself for not having natural banks to my "eating river" if you will allow me to use such an analogy.

Finally, I just simply accept that left to my own devices, my food consumption meanders all over the place and floods me. I'm obese. How can it be otherwise. I need limits and boundaries and I'm ever so grateful to WW for giving me those.

So, this evening has been one of those times when I feel myself in the danger zone. After eating too much at supper (and yet, dutifully counting the points and knowning exactly how much that was, grateful for the balancing effect of that weekly point allowance), I told my husband that I felt myself to be in that dangerous mood when I want to throw caution to the wind and just EAT.

This mood comes upon me sometimes. Here are some factors:

-It is Friday night. I have a feeling of wanting to kick back and relax, and not be "working". I can take a step back from this feeling acknowledge it, and do something ELSE besides eating to relax. And yes, I eat to relax. I see this about myself now. This is very good information for me to have.

-I had a fun day visiting some friends, but it ended up being stressful for my son with Asperger's syndrome in the end, and he just got fried from too much stimulus and noise and had to get out of there. I had to end my visit before I wanted to, but it was for the good of my son. But it was a sacrifice, and sacrifices often make me want to indulge myself....a reward for good behavior and my sacrifices, if you will. This is also good information for me to know about myself.

-When I'm tired I want to eat. When I'm stressed I want to eat.

I used to think I never ate for such reasons.

It's good to acknowledge to myself that I DO indeed have the urge to eat in such situations.

So, the self examination is valuable if it helps me to step back and figure out what's going on inside, and find a new way to deal with the feelings and urges that drive me.

And that, my friends, is why I think THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT.

Weigh in Report

2011-03-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

I lost .8 pounds this week, for a total of 6.4 so far. Down is better than up.

I AM THE TORTOISE.

How I Rewarded Myself

2011-03-02T13:05:00.000-08:00

I went for a short walk. This might not seem like much, but here I am, two months since having mono, a month or so since diagnosis, and still feeling the effects. I walked SLOWLY and gently and did not ever get more than a little ways from my front door, around and around the block in our apartment complex. At any time I could have cut across the lawn and been at my apartment.

I walked a mile in about half an hour.

The sun is shining, the air is cool and spring-like while the sun is simultaneously warm. A perfect, gorgeous early March day in Kentucky!

I LOVE being out of doors and have really missed it since I've been sick these past few months. So, that's how I "treated myself" today. I've managed, simply by putting one foot in front of the other and doing what has been before me to do this day, to get my mood out of the funkety funk it was mired in earlier.

I also got some wedding dress sewing done, which is ALWAYS a good thing. Finished the foundation of one dress, with the boning and such. It looks nice. My mind is still going a thousand miles a minute thinking of how I"m doing to do the "fancy stuff" on this dress, but really those decisions need to wait until I have a meeting the the bride on Monday next.

And such, is my life. Now that the kids are done with school, I"ve done my sewing for the day and done a bit of laundry too, I'm officially "off work" until it's time to cook dinner. I think tonight will be Spanikopita and some sauteed onions and some pumpkin bread for dessert.

The Slowness of it All

2011-03-02T08:25:00.001-08:00

I think, today, I really need to focus on accepting the slowness of my weight loss journey. Perhaps because I went to a wellness check at my husband's work place (required to get the company to chip in on insurance premiums), I have my weight on my mind.

Of course, the scale at thew wellness check was not kind to me, and I'm choosing to totally ignore it, since I have been faithfully staying on the Weight Watcher's plan of eating AND making some good/healthy/higher protein choices within plan, to boot. (Omelet not cereal for breakfast, for instance.)

So, the numbers should not bother me. But they do.

I felt a need to explain to everyone there that I'm dieting. That I'm trying to do better.

And everyone was kind and encouraging, but sometimes I wonder if there's a sense of "yeah, right, lady! Your weight is EXACTLY THE SAME!"

I wonder if my friends secretly think I'm not following the program, too. Because my progress is SOOOO SLOOOOOWWWW! Just shows how conceited my thought life is, doesn't it? I bet my friends are not nearly as judgey as I imagine them to be. Because I dont' judge them, either.

But I do judge myself rather harshly and I care too much about what I imagine people think about me. And it's ALL IN MY OWN HEAD. NONE OF IT IS REAL except in my own thoughts. The nastiness is coming from me, and directed towards me, and it's all internal.

"She must not be following the plan" I imagine the other person thinking. But the fact is, I am following the plan.
"She must be lying" I imagine the other person thinking. But I am honestly telling the truth.

"She is secretly binging." I imagine the other person thinking. But the truth is, I am not. I am tracking everything.

Because, my wretched thoughts tell me, YOU AREN'T GETTING ANY RESULTS.

That, of course, is patently untrue. I AM getting results. Just very very slowly.

I wore smaller pants yesterday. I measured myself today and I have lost an inch off my belly, an inch off my hips, half an inch off my bust, half an inch off my thighs, and an inch off my upper arms.

So, today I will choose to think some positive thoughts and I will choose to do something to nurture myself and to celebrate the progress that I've made. Hmmm....what shall it be? I tend to always want to celebrate with food (hence my problem, yes?) and so today, I will do something just for me that is non-food related.

I don't know what, yet. But when I figure it out, perhaps I'll blog about it. Or not. ;-)

Slice of Life

2011-02-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

I woke up in SUCH a grumpy mood this morning, and was all clumsy in the kitchen and broke my very favorite pink glass butter dish.

Wah.

And the kids were late getting up and everyone was moving slow and there was NOTHING to eat, according to one, so I made a big batch of waffle batter and became a slave to the timer and the tending of making waffles.

And in the midst of this, I HAD had it in my head that I would read some psalms to myself while I was tending the waffles, but I kept getting talked to. Pesky thing, a family. So much for being all "spiritual".

Wah.

The waffle making took so long I finally decided we'd pray morning prayers in the midst of that process. So we did. With a few pauses for taking out the done ones and adding more batter.

Finally I abandoned the waffle batter, and we went on to our readings: Currently we are reading the Gospel of John, A Short History of the World (and we looked at that atlas maps of the places we'd read about and the Art History book of painting from the time period we'd been reading about), and then it was a snippet from a book about St. Seraphim of Sarov, and a Brother's Grimm Fairy Tale.

And then I looked at the clock and realized it was almost lunch time. Back to making waffles so I could finish that chore. And I washed a few dishes, and put the cooled waffles in the freezer. So, now we have toaster waffles. Yay!

I mean, LIFE was NON-STOP. I didn't even get a chance to drink my coffee. It was cold and I threw it out.

Then it was time to get dressed and make lunch. Well, really it was time for getting dressed a LONG TIME before I actually managed it.

Lunch was yummy: from scratch cream of mushroom soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.

Then I did get wedding dress number two cut out and spent some time testing some techniques on scraps, such as what the fray stop stuff looks like on the edge of cut organza, and whether the disappearing ink fabric marking pen is truly disappearing. I'll check it tomorrow to find out. I daren't use it if it is not, but there are some places on this dress where markings would help me tremendously.

So I did all that, and then I was tired. But I decided to go get my eyebrows waxed instead of taking a nap because they were so very very out of control.

Today, it hurt more than usual. Probably from being run-down. Ah, but the things we do for beauty!

Then I went to the thrift store, because that place always makes me happy. And I scored some great finds!

A cool-weather (but not the depths of winter) deep purple courduroy coat. Two blouses, and a tank top, the perfect pasta cooking pot in stainless steel with a copper bottom and lid, a stoneware shortbread cookie mold (puffyheart!) and a VHS movie I'd had on my wish list and a copy of the book Gone with the Wind.

Fun times. I'd never read that novel before, and now I think I will enjoy it.

I'm looking forward to a quiet evening. Perhaps I can read.

And I had this thought today, and am wondering if it isn't true for many of us: How much time do we spend imagining a perfect future (different circumstances, etc) in which we would pray more, and thus deceiving ourselves that we are spiritually in a better place than we actually are? I think I do this A LOT.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Same

2011-02-24T17:10:00.000-08:00

No weight loss or gain this week. That's good. Fine. Mildly disappointing but not surprising. I'm sick, you see. And I don't think my body does well with weight loss when I"m sick. I over did it on Monday (hindsight and all that) and have been paying homage to the Mononucleosis virus ever since.

But I stuck to the eating plan. So that's something to hang my hat on.

Chicken soup for dinner. Soothing for an achy body on a chilly, rainy February day. Now the dishes are in the dishwasher, and there's nothing left to do but cozy up for a while, pray some evening prayers with the family, and relax. And for that, I'm grateful.

Taking Care

2011-02-23T16:34:00.001-08:00

"Be still and know that I am God."

I think that's what I'm supposed to learn. This mono thing has got me down again this week. I went to the zoo on Monday because I was feeling decent and have been sick ever since. My left side has started hurting again, blah blah blah. Obviously (hindsight being 20/20) I was not ready for such an outing, even though on the front end I did feel ready.

Oh well. Live and learn.

So, I'm learning to ask for help. I'm learning to say "no". I'm learning the basics of just being present with my family, and of being present in my own body. And being still and here with God.

I have to learn to listen to my body and its needs and through this process, it is amazing to me how often I ignore what my body really needs in favor of something more cerebral or emotional.

Sometimes I find that I ignore when my body says "enough"...whether it's to food, or activity, or whatever. Sometiems I find that I ignore the basic need for water until I am beyond thirsty and craving something really unhealthy like a diet coke.

I've got to learn to listen to myself and take care of myself. I am learning this. This illness is teaching me that, forcing me to learn it in a whole new way. I don't necessarily LIKE the learning process, mind you. But I'm working on it.

Soon it will be lent. I feel like all of 2011 has been lent already. Pascha can't come soon enough.

This Time Around

2011-02-21T17:45:00.000-08:00

I've done Weight Watchers several times before, but something is different this time around.

I'm not looking for a quick fix. I honestly don't care how long it takes to "get to goal". I'm making this more about the day to day journey. And if I happen to lose weight week by week, great. I mean, I DO want to lose weight. But I also want to learn how to live with food. Because that's the crux of the matter.

The new plan is feeling really good in my body. I'm FULL. And finally, at long last, I think I might be figuring out the correct ratio of fruits/vegetables to the rest of everything else.

The balance, in that regard, has shifted. Wee portions here and there of soaked oats, or sprouted grain bread, or one cup of whole grain pasta. But these foods MUST be limited carefully. Same with oils and fats. They are an important part of one's diet and can't be skipped, but they also MUST be measured. That's where a huge source of my calories were coming from. Way too much oil in my cooking.

And I think I've already mentioned the vast amounts of cheese I used to eat. Yeah. Enough of that. I still do dairy, but I measure it. What a way to live, eh? So sad. Well, it's also sad to be a hundred pounds over fat and have to lug that around all the time. So. Not. Fun. So, I'll measure my milk, but I"m still drinking whole milk from the farmer.

And the rest of it all? If I want to get full, I need to have a few cups of vegetables on my plate. There is so much variety of veggies in this world, that this is not a hardship. And if I want something sweet to eat, I need to grab and orange, or a pear, or an apple. This is also not a hardship.

It's NORMAL eating. Healthy, normal whole foods.

I think I'm finally getting it, somewhere deep inside on a level I've never "gotten it" before.

What's different this time around? I don't know. Maybe it's repentance.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

2011-02-17T18:10:00.001-08:00

I have lost a bit more weight this week! WW thinks I lost four pounds, but actually I probably just lost 1.8 pounds. I was wearing boots last week, and flip flops this week, thanks to the lovely lovely spring-like weather. When I got home I weighed my boots and they clocked in at 2.2#

I'll take it!

So, on my WW booklet I have lost 5.4 pounds so far. I have the gold five pound star. It's a good feeling.

I had a good week, tracked all my points, etc.

I did NOT exercise very much this week. The mono fatigue reared it's ugly head and I had to deal with that. So, lots of "Oh, it's 3:30 pm and time to crawl into bed for a couple of hours." type of days.

But life happens and I was steady on the plan. That right there, is a good thing.

After all, it's not so much about losing weight. It's about changing habits. And those habits have gotta change for a lifetime.

Trust Issues

2011-02-15T05:28:00.000-08:00

When it comes to weight loss, I totally have trust issues. I don't trust my body. I don't trust the program to work on my body. I don't trust myself to STAY on the program, etc etc. blah blah blah.

Obviously this is something I am working on.

The staying on program I can control form one day to the next. I'm happy to say I survived Valentine's weekend. Admit it, fat folks: If there is a candy/chocolate eating occasion such as V day or Easter, the days before and after, or the two days before, or whatever, are uniquely temptatuous as well. (How do you like my new word? It's a combination of tempestuous and temptation.) In my case it was this weekend. I was shopping for some valentine's treats for my daughter's American Heritage Girls troop, and found myself in the candy aisle. Mmmmm, Lindor truffle balls!

Yes I bought them. And yes, although sharing a few with my kids, I DID EAT most of them. All of them, actually, over the course of two days.

But get this: I COUNTED THEM in my tracker. Oh, and then there were the sugar free chocolate cupcakes I bought at our parish bake sale to help raise money for Church. Those I DID count, too.

Happily, my husband bought me flowers, not chocolates. That's so very kind and supportive of him.

So, here's where trusting the program to work, and trusting my body to work with the program would come in handy.

Because even though I'm well within range, on track etc. blah blah blah, it's really really hard to let go of the fear, especially the "I ate some chocolate" fear.

So, today I'm just going to work on letting go of the fear whenever my gut clenches a little bit and it grips me.

In other news: Last week I pushed it too hard and this week that mono-feeling of easy tiredness has been back to haunt me. I pretty much need a three hour nap in the afternoons. I may as well just plan for it. So the walking has NOT been going on this week. Now I will forever have in my head the question: Is it mono or fibro? Same dif, in many ways, but a slightly different way of being fatigued and in pain, believe it or not. Sort of like the Eskimos have twenty different words for snow, I guess.

"The Weight"

2011-02-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

The way we use language matters. The words we choose are important.

I've always had a problem when hearing people, myself included, refer to obesity as "the weight". As in: "I need to lose 'the weight'." Or "If she could just lose 'the weight' she would be so much healther/prettier/blah blah blah."

As if "the weight" were something that can be peeled off like Eustace's dragon skin in C.S. Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Or as if it were a fat suit that could be removed at will. As if "the weight" were something not intrinsic to the person who carries "the weight", intrinsic to that persons's way of being; lifestyle, habits, choices, emotions, choices, responses. As if "the weight" were something other than a part of that person.

But the truth as I see it is (speaking as a person who has a LOT of "the weight" hanging on her body) that until I quit keeping "the weight" at arms length and learn to embrace "the weight" as a part of who I am, intrinsic to myself, until I can do this, I cannot make the necessary changes to let it go.

Because "letting go of the weight" means looking at myself very honestly and asking myself hard questions. It means I have to be honest with myself about my needs, my emotions, my habits, my lifestyle, my choices, my excuses, my way of being in the world. And then I need to examine all those things critically, and then I need to make changes to ME to address the issues that have caused ME to be overweight.

It's nothing more or less that personal growth and change at the very deepest level, that is required.

And without this deep self critical examination and acceptance and willingness to change and move forward, it will always only be another "Diet" instead of a permanent change.

And I'm going for the permanent change, folks. And change is hard, and it has to be on the inside, and I have to be honest and I have to work my butt off. Literally. I know this. I'm ready.

Stupid Pizza

2011-02-11T06:23:00.001-08:00

This post was written last night and posted here this moring, so if the time frame might seem off, that's why.

I weighed in tonight and before tomorrow starts, I have a ginormous pile of weekly points and unswapped activity points that I could be using up. 28 AP's and about 20 WP's.

That's a pretty big binge, if I wanted to.

I wanted to spend a few points this week on something special. A blizzard perhaps, or a cookie from Panera...even though I don't want to go out into the horrid cold winter night and get anything from either place. Not that anyone is open.

I also hinted that my husband could go get Chinese food. Nope. He won't go. I thought of ordering a pizza. I could eat a few slices and count those points and be happy. But no. That did not happen either.

Instead, I found a frozen rising crust four cheese pizza in the freezer. Lackluster. As soon as I'd unwrapped it and stuck it in the oven, I realized that this thing did NOT represent my food bliss. Not at all.

But there it baked and then it came out. I decided to eat one slice, even though I'd budgeted for two in my tracker already. I ate the one 8 lousy point slice. It as NOT worth eight points, let me tell ya!

It was Stupid Pizza. Food eaten just because I CAN????? What is THAT about?????? And it wasn't even good.

I still have points left. I could make myself some cookies, or I could eat a grilled cheese sandwich. But I don't want to.

It's not that I have a burning desire to take the high road. No. If the right comfort food for my foul mood were set under my nose right now, I would eat it. No doubts.

But it isn't and I find that I don't care to work on making food happen right now.

What my body REALLY needs is water and sleep. And I think letting go of those uneaten points is the best thing that I can do.

Because in the morning is a new week, with a new 49 and somewhere in the world, cookies will still exist. And I can still earn Activity Points. And I can still follow the plan.

Since this journey is going to take forever, I might as well stop eating Stupid Pizza.

A Slow Loser

2011-02-10T18:22:00.000-08:00

is nothing less than being a protracted winner!

This week I kicked 1.4 pounds to the curb.

What I Want

2011-02-10T05:16:00.000-08:00

I want to be able to go up and down stairs without my knees and ankles hurting.
I want to be able to sit on a horse without feeling sorry for the poor beast.
I want to be able to go hiking and not be worn out.
I want to go caving (spelunking) again. That was so much fun.
I want to rapell and do ropes with the American Heritage Girls I'm an assistant leader for. (For whom I am...for the grammar police).
I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of myself.
I want health, healing and wholeness.
I want positive thoughts in my head.
I want to release this weight.
I want to smile (I am smiling...had a good day today).
I want to be faithful to my new good eating habits.
I want to sleep better.
I want to surprise my kids who (I think) secretly don't think I can lose weight for good.
I want to surprise myself as well.
I want to have a thinner self to offer my wonderful (thin) husband who loves me not matter what.
I want to lose weight and keep it off.
I want to be responsible.
I want to not be a slave to my passions.
I want to be less self-indulgent.
I want to be an adult and not a kid when it comes to food.
I want more energy.
I want less pain (back pain, knee pain, ankle pain).
I want to be able to look at two fifty pounds bags of potatoes and be amazed that I used to wear that on my body all the time.
I want to have the energy to keep my house in better order.
I want the experience of setting a goal and accomplishing it in THIS part of my life as well as other things.
I want to earn my Lifetime Membership in Weight Watchers. (I'm a chronic drop out but that is the old me.)
I want a "new me".
I want the second forty years of my life to be better than the first forty years.
I want to have nothing to wear because it's all too big for me.
I want the 2X top I bought at the store to fit me instead of being too small!!! (I did not try it on at the store, assumed it would fit...oh, surprise!).
I want to be able to stand up in Church without feeling so tired and faint.
I want to be fit.
I want to be able to wear a dress with a waist line.
I want to be able to belt my favorite (hand knitted by me) sweater.
I want to be able to go to the store and find bras that fit me.
I want to have more spring in my step.
I want to make exercise as much a part of my life as eating, breathing or prayer is: non-negotiable.
I want to go contra dancing and not be "the fat one".
I want to fit into those size 18 jeans in my closet, instead of the 22's. And after that, I want to fit into the 16, 14, 12, 10 and perhaps 8's.
I want to be thin.
I want ONEDERLAND.
This week, I want to stick with my DPT. (so far so good).
This week, I want a loss on the scale.
I want to lose 100 pounds, even if it takes me five years to do it.
I want to never give up.
I want to never give up.

I WANT TO NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!

Snapshots of my Day

2011-02-09T18:40:00.001-08:00

Worked on a wedding dress.
A lackluster veggie soup for dinner. (Served with not-at-all-lackluster grilled cheese sandwiches).
Drank some tea and ate some yogurt while watching Biggest Loser with my kids during my "resting time".
Played a few songs on my guitar.
Said some prayers.

Blog Direction

2011-02-09T15:25:00.001-08:00

I'm really questioning the future of this blog. It seems so inane to me. All I ever talk about is wee piddly little stuff. And I'm thinking perhaps this blog has run its course. But I don't know.

I've been blogging for so long, and I'm attached to it. I like have a forum and place for my wee, piddly little voice saying wee piddly little stuff.

I don't. know. I'm not fishing for compliments or accolades. I'm just wondering out loud what to do with myself.

You see, this blog is in GREAT danger, right now, of turing into a "this is all about my weight loss efforts blah blah blah" thing, and I don't really want to do that. Because, quite frankly, while that is going to be an on-going HUGE part of my life for the next few years, as I work to lose 80-100 pounds, I don't necessarily know that anybody who is not "on the journey" wants to read about that stuff. But maybe that's just what I need to do. Keep it real, like I always do. For some reason, my agonies in life tend to encourage others. Maybe because we all have agonies. The one thing I can say about myself is that I don't bullshit about the agonies of life, and I don't pretend they aren't there.

Well, I talked myself into a decision. This is going to become a weight loss blog, at lest for the time being. If that is boring to you, well, there's lots of other blogs out there.

Say a prayer for me on this life-style change journey: That I can balance the exercise I MUST get to make this work, and the fibro, and the homeschooling, and the sewing, and the mono recovery (I'm pretty much well recovered from that by now).

Ok, You have been warned.

The iCord Graveyard

2011-02-09T14:54:00.000-08:00

In our bedroom we have a spot that is the iCord graveyard. We've had bad luck with our computer power cords. Those things are EXPENSIVE!!! Eighty bucks! And they keep breaking.

So today, when I was doing a bit of tidying in the living room, I realized that the cord is in two parts. I wondered....

...what IF part A is broken on one cord, and part B is broken on another cord.

So, I came back here with a lap top (whose battery does not hold a charge) and I started mixing and matching.

Woot! I'm happy to report that I found a combo that is actually powering this computer, even as I type. I'm so excited!

Once again, my brilliance saves the family money. And perhaps, giving credit to my husband here, I can appreciate, for the first time EVER, his pack-ratishness. There, I said it. Glad we had the iCord graveyard through which I could dig.

Shameless "Before" PIctures

2011-02-04T07:28:00.001-08:00

The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So, instead of crazy, I'm going to be responsible. I think it takes guts to post such awful pictures on the internet, but the truth is, everyone who sees me IRL sees this, too, so I may as well admit it to myself and get over it and get down to business and be more responsible with my eating and exercise.

Yes, I have fibro, yes I have a stressful life, but so do lots of other people and this is not a reason to slather butter on everything (just a wee bit on some things) and eat half a wheel of cheese with a hefty side of wine most evenings.

It's time for some new habits and a new attitude. So, this is the beginning, again.

Gone and Done it.

2011-02-04T04:25:00.000-08:00

Joined Weight Watchers, that is.

Time for some outside accountability with my food. When I budgeted out my daily points allowance (fruits and veggies, including such yumsters as butternut squash and bananas are ZERO points, so I should NEVER be hungry) last night, just to see how much carb controlled pasta this girl can still eat, I about had a heart attack. NO WONDER I've got a weight problem. I've developed the oh-so-easy "I'm on a low carb diet, pass me that wheel of cheese" lifestyle...and then allowed some carbs to creep back in.

So, I just thought I'd share with you, both my readers (Hi Mom!) what I'm up to. Well, not specifically. My weight is so high, that after losing my initial 5%, I will STILL be higher than the magical number I thought I'd never let myself get fatter than.

I've struggled with my weight for all my life, since adolescence, as anyone who has read much on here knows. I have got to accept the fact that this. has. to. be. permanent. I really really want to change. God help me, I'm ready.

(And I think I'm going to like the new Weight Watchers Points Plus program. Not only are fruits and vegetables zero points, but the algorithm used to figure the points takes carbs, fat, protein and fiber into account.

What this boils down to, for me, is that I will have to measure my food (again), eat more veggies (again) and when I do eat pastured butter from grass fed cows, I have to put it in a measuring spoon first, instead of gobbing mass quantities onto my food.

But rest assured, I'd rather budget the points for real milk, than drink anything fake.

Lower Carb meets Nourishing Traditions principles meets Weight Watchers. This should be interesting.

Coming back to Life

2011-02-01T16:29:00.001-08:00

Today I ran an errand to Kroger, made chicken noodle soup for lunch, did laundry (including folding, etc.), cleaned up the kitchen and cooked dinner.

And I took a nap.

This sure beats doing NOTHING but resting all day.

New Orthodox Christian martyrs of Soviet persecutions of the Church in 1...

2011-01-28T17:56:00.000-08:00

It's So You! (Giving myself a makeover)

2011-01-27T10:53:00.000-08:00

I just got done reading the book It's So You! Fitting Fashion to your Life by Mary Shaheen Warren.

I actually did the exercises in the book (I think the last time I'd read this book I did not adequately apply what I'd learned, and I certainly did not stick with my recommended color scheme.

But this time, I did. I will. I was ruthless.

You see, it all started on Monday, when I decided for myself that it was "pink day". I wore a pink t-shirt (deep mauve color) and a pink sweater over, and a denim skirt and a pink and brown head band. At some point on Monday afternoon I looked at myself in the mirror and went "Yipes! Do I really look like THAT?????" Suffice it to say, my look was frump city and pink is NOT my color. Deep down inside I knew this and in my weaker moments (which are most of them) I did not care.

Suddenly, on Monday afternoon, I cared. Deeply.

So I re-checked the color chart on the back inside flap of this book, and I ruthlessly went to town dumping anything hanging in my closet that was not in the right colors onto the floor. I thought, "I'm not going to have anything at all to wear."

Then, I got to the wardrobe building chapter and read about how many combinations of outfits one can build with four tops and four bottoms. Ok, there's hope. I still had at least that much in my closet.

I got to the part that talked about what sorts of warderobes a stay-at-home mom should have (personal casual and business casual) and I realized that I naturally gravitate towards a business casual style when I have to go out and about; Shopping, doctor's appoinments, Church...that sort of thing.

And there was a section on selecting a color story. That part was easy. Brown is my base color. I'd dumped LOTS of black things onto the floor of my closet. And my very very favorite colors in the world to pair with brown: deep red and teal/aqua. And I had several items in each color, of varying shades. And then I put the red and teal together and realized those two colors are a fun combination and really pop when paired with brown. So, I had my "color story" to use the phrasing of the book.

And I have plenty of it. I laid out my brown bottoms on the bed, and realized I have brown slacks, brown skirt, brown/maroon velour skirt, etc. More than enough. Abundance. And the teal, red, brown and cram tops, sweaters and vests in various combinations...all practically interchangeable, work great with everything. And it was all in my closet, all along.

On a whim, I invested (seven whole dollars) in a brown and teal beaded multi-strand necklace and earrings when I saw the perfect set on sale at the store on Tuesday.

And, I gave myself a hair cut. That was impulsive, I'll admit, and I cut off more than I'd wanted to. But it turned out OK. Curls are forgiving, and they grow.

I also discovered an entire springtime dressy wardrobe with multiple possible combinations in my closet as well. The color scheme is light green, coral, cream and light teal. Again, I was surprised at some of the possible color combinations and blouse/skirt combinations that popped out at me as I was playing with various ideas.

Now, for my "personal casual clothes", I have some denim slacks which I don't loathe, but don't love either. And I have a whole slew of green knit shirts in various shades of olive and hunter. They are on my color chart, but are not my favorites. But they will do for at home on days when I am going nowhere. And there are those ultra-comfy brown dresses I bought last year. Definitely an at-home item at this point.

And oh, the irony! For the first time in my adult life I feel like I have a chance to look "put together" and not too frumpy, and I'm stuck at home with mono!

I'm trying to be very very good, and very very still and restful. The kids are helpful and I did a bunch of shopping on-line that I would ordinarily just grab at Walmart. There is much to be grateful for. I think it's time for some reading and an afternoon nap. And those clothes will all have to remain on the floor of my closet until I'm better.

Diagnosis

2011-01-26T08:25:00.001-08:00

Mono. My doctor called today and my blood work results are in. Good news: I don't have a host of other things. Bad news: I DO have mono.

Well, that sure does explain my life and body lately! And there's nothing to be done but rest and recuperation. But life goes on. I just have to pace myself.

Lace applique cross

2011-01-21T13:19:00.000-08:00

Cut from lace and pieced together to decorate the bodice of the baptismal gown.

Infant's Baptismal Garment

2011-01-21T07:03:00.001-08:00

As usual, I'm better at sewing than I am taking good pictures!

Back from the Doctor

2011-01-19T10:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I went to the doctor. Besides taking eight vials of blood to test me for everything under the sun that might be masked by me having Fibromyalgia (chronic Epstein Barr, Mono, Lupus, RA, low thyroid, etc.) it was determined that I still have that UTI, the bacteria of which were resistant to the antibiotics I was on week before last. Worse than before, of course. So now I have a ten day course of Bactrim to undergo. And doctor's orders to rest and drink lots of water w/ gatorade in it. I think I'll forgo the artificial color in the gatorade and make some of my own electrolyte solution:

1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
7 tsp sugar (can I use stevia instead, or is the sugar a necessary component?)
some lemon juice in
2 Quarts of water.

He said this would reduce the nausea that I experience when I drink mere filtered tap water.

So I hope this UTI clears up and doesn't consist of some bugs that are too hideously antibiotic resistant.

Oh, and I guess this will be a good time to continue gobbling the yogurt and sauerkraut, and any other live-culture foods I can think of.

I've Been Sick

2011-01-18T15:22:00.000-08:00

Feeling weird and sick, really. I came home from a very busy day last Thursday and was utterly worn out. No surprise there. Often the fibromyalgia kicks me in the rear after a busy day with lots of errands. I thought a good night's sleep would fix it. Usually does. But on Friday I still felt bad and could barely run the one errand I had to do safely. I did not feel good driving the car, but had to anyway. Mercifully, I made it. Friday afternoon found me in tears on the phone with Wes. Would he take the girls to AHG that night? Of course he did. I slept and rested. Saturday I got up, full of hope that I'd be better. I took Maia to get new glasses and that did me in. I came home and found myself crying again, feeling ill, trying to make a lunch and not being able to muster the energy.

That's when I officially put myself to bed for the rest of the weekend. And the weekend extended to yesterday, since Wes was off and I was still feeling ill...AND it was my birthday. Nothing definite, just ill and no energy and aching all over.

Other than a really low grade off and on temperature, I'm not running a fever. Certainly nothing definite. But I ache, ache, ache....right through the middle of my body, in my lower back area. And I'm having pain in my left back side. And I'm wiped out.

Today I got up and got dressed and did stuff, a little bit. I washed the dishes (our dishwasher is waiting on a part to be repaired), microwaved some leftovers and did some laundry. I sewed for a little while. And that was enough. So I rested. The ache is still there. I suspect that my UTI from a few weeks ago has not really cleared up yet and gotten worse. When I called the nurse at the clinic today she told me to STOP taking the extra antibiotics that were in the bottle they gave me for the UTI a couple of weeks ago (I suspect they are the reason I started feeling a wee bit better yesterday and today) otherwise it would obscure any blood or urine testing. So, no more of that, I guess.

Tomorrow I go see the doctor. Hope he can find out what's going on in my body.

Here's a nice prayer I've been praying:

A Prayer of a Sick Person

O Lord Jesus Christ, our Saviour, Physician of souls and bodies, who didst become man and suffer death on the Cross for our salvation, and through thy tender love and compassion didst heal all manner of sickness and affliction;

Do thou O Lord, visit me in my suffering, and grant me grace and strength to bear this sickness with which I am afflicted, with Christian patience and submission to thy will, trusting in thy loving kindness and tender mercy.

Bless, I pray thee, the means used for my recovery, and those who administer them.

I know O Lord, that I justly deserve any punishment inflicted upon me for I have so often offended thee and sinned against thee, in thought, word, and deed. Therefore, I humbly pray thee, look upon my weakness, and deal not with me after my sins, but according to the multitude of thy mercies. Have compassion on me, and let mercy and justice meet; and deliver me from this sickness and suffering I am undergoing.

Grant that my sickness may be the means of my true repentance and amendment of my life according to thy will, that I may spend the rest of my days in thy love and fear: that my soul, being helped by thy grace and sanctified by thy Holy Mysteries*, may be prepared for its passage to the Eternal Life, and there, in the company of thy blessed Saints, may praise and glorify thee with thy Eternal Father and Life-giving Spirit. Amen.

Weighing in on the Tucson Tragedy

2011-01-13T18:50:00.000-08:00

In all my reading of the sad news story this past week after the massacre in Tucson, one thing stands out to me: The fact that Loughner was mentally ill, and somehow fell through the cracks. He was kicked out of his college for erratic behavior, but that seems to be as far as any sort of intervention when on his behalf.

Was it because he was of legal age? Can a mentally ill person only be committed and get help if they commit themselves to medical care? (I think the answer to that is yes, unless they make a suicide attempt, or kill someone).

There as a clear line in the sand between sanity and insanity and this young man crossed it months ago. His community KNEW he crossed it.

And yet, the people nearest to him were unable to help him, I guess.

It is often very difficult for the people who are closest to a mentally ill person to really see what's going on. Sometimes it's glaringly obvious, when there is a crisis. But when the situation with that person is not a crisis, or has not yet reached a crisis point but has been subtly getting worse for a while, it's easy to be in denial, or to really not know what it going on. I think it's normal to want to withdraw, mentally, from the possibility. It's too much to contemplate or consider, or realize and ackknowledge.

I remember being out on a walk by myself, years ago...when B was only about 11, wondering if she were mentally ill. And worrying about it. And then having that withdrawal reaction. I was seeing the signs...the very beginnings of trouble brewing, but I did not know what to do with that information. So I shut down. But not completely. I did call a doctor and got her some help. The beginnings of help. But things got so much worse from there. But I digress-only to say that I know what it's like to be in the parents' seat.

But here is Laughner, spinning downward, out of control into sociopathic thinking. He was not being silent with his sociopathic thoughts, either. No, he was posting them on youtube and on myspace, etc.

And yet, it's always someone else's problem, isn't it?

Have we, as a society gotten to the point where we can't call someone to accountability when they are clearly sociopathic...until it's too late?

Wedding Dresses On My Mind

2011-01-13T04:57:00.000-08:00

One of the aspects that I love about making wedding dresses is that I get to immerse myself in the challenge of it.

One of the dresses I'm doing this year is fairly simple and straight forward. The lace will be doing all the work. I just have to put it together.

The other one, however...oh. my. My happy brain is going non-stop on how to copy and be inspired by a famous designer dress, and get the look for less money for this bride. At first I said "There is no way. I can't do that." But then I got to thinking, and I came back and said: "Actually, I can do that." And so I will. After all, sewing is a three dimensional puzzle with fabric. Nothing more and nothing less.

So I now want to put a dress form on my wish list.

I would love to be a money-earning seamstress about 30 hours a week, and a homemaker the rest of the time. As my kids grow up, perhaps I can make this dream come true. Meanwhile I enjoy the short bursts of business that the occasional baptismal gown and wedding dress brings my way.

I wish I could post pictures, but I try to respect the "surprise factor" of the brides I'm sewing for. So I just ruminate instead.

More Song Lyrics

2011-01-12T18:23:00.001-08:00

Stay with me Lord
by Alana Sheldahl
adapted from a prayer by Padre Pio

Stay with me Lord
I must have you present
So I do not forget you
or abandon you,
Stay with me Lord

Stay with me Lord
because I am weak
I need your strength
so I don’t fall
Stay with me Lord

Stay with me Lord
you are my life
and without you
I am without fervor
Stay with me Lord

Stay with me Lord the hour his late
and the day is drawing to a close
Stay with me Lord for death approaches
Oh how I need you in this night of exile
Stay with me, Jesus, I must have your presence
this alone I ask of you: Stay with me Lord
Stay with me Lord, stay with me Lord

Stay with me Lord
you are my light
and without You
I remain in darkness
Stay with me Lord

Stay with me, Lord
and show me your will
So I can hear your voice
and follow You
Stay with me Lord

Stay with me Jesus let this Eucharist sustain me
Your body and your blood: Joy of my heart
Stay with me Lord It’s You alone I look for:
Your love your grace your spirit heart and will
Stay with me Lord because I love you
I ask no reward but You
and to love you more and more
Stay with me Lord, stay with me Lord
stay with me Lord....

...the hour is late..

Trying New Recipes...part of my New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-08T14:34:00.000-08:00

God blessed me with plenty of energy today, and I was able to get my kitchen deep cleaned and re-organized. Now, instead of having plastic containers and lids and measuring cups stored in the cabinet above the sink, I have serving bowls up there. The net result being, of course, that it won't rain sliding plastic lids down on my head every time I open that cabinet. This is the result, for you organized types who can't picture it, of randomly shoving various sized container and lids into a cabinet shelf without taking time to stack, and by tidy. I'm bad about stuff like that. It's best to randomly shove things down low where they can't fall.

I also did some cooking and am looking forward to trying the Argentinian Chicken recipe that's currently cooking, and the green beans. I used two new recipes today. One was for a gluten free/low carb chocolate cake made with BLACK BEANS, of all things. Shhh, don't tell Eric. We shall see if he eats any. The recipe has rave reviews. It is sweetened with stevia and xylitol this time.

My younger two kids (11.5 and 12.5) are impossible to keep fed these days because they keep getting HUNGRY. So, in addition to the Chicken and french bread and green beans, there will be a pasta bake on the dinner table that my youngest helped make so she could have a pre-vespers SNACK. That's how it's going with food around here. Mass quantities...all the time. How blessed I am!

Here's the chicken recipe:

7. Anne Louise's Argentine Garlic/Cinnamon Chicken (Strict)
1 whole chicken (skin on)
Salt
Pepper
Ground cinnamon
1 whole head of garlic (don’t let this scare you, it doesn’t taste like garlic when it’s done)
Oil to coat the bottom of a large pot with tight-fitting lid

Season the chicken inside and out very generously with salt and pepper and ground cinnamon, in equal amounts. Brown the chicken all over, using wooden spoons to turn it, so you don't break the skin. Seperate the cloves of garlic and peel them, then toss them all, whole, into the pot. (I promise, it doesn’t taste like garlic when it’s done).

Pour in a juice glass of white wine. Put the lid on, and turn the heat down as low as it will go. Simmer with the lid on for an hour and a half.

The wine, the olive oil, the chicken fat, the garlic, and the cinnamon make a wonderful sauce. In Argentina they put the chicken on a platter and surround it with cooked broad noodles, with the sauce drizzled over them, and it looks sort of like a whole chicken sitting on a nest. I make it this way for company, but skip the noodles for myself.

A variation of this that is easy and always popular as finger food is to use chicken wings or drumsticks, and toss them in salt and equal parts of ground cinnamon, ground pepper, and granulated garlic, and then bake them.

And here a link to the chocolate cake recipe!

Now it's time for Vespers and then a nice family dinner.

The Annual January Stress

2011-01-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again. New health insurance. My husband's company likes to try a new plan each and every year. Sometimes I don't blame them if the plan from the year before was wretched (like last year's plan), but what it means for me is that each and every January for the past several years, I have had to scramble to find a new psychiatrist.

So here we go again. It's not easy to find a psychiatrist in this town, let me tell ya! Not easy to find one anywhere, really. So it's the endless rounds of phone calls, leaving messages, etc.

And if I'm lucky, after making a couple of dozen calls, I might find someone in-network who is taking new patients and who sees teenagers.

Continuity of care is not a high priority for our current health care system, which is most definitely catch-as-catch-can.

And this year's plan is the sort where you have to get pre-authorization for mental health treatments. I'm always afraid with that, that they will cut us off.

I want to crawl in a hole and cry. Not really about the insurance stuff...that's just icing on the whole mental health cake. No, actually, about all the stuff that is the reason we need this sort of medical care in the first place. The unbloggables.

Pray for me.