tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-251924752024-03-18T19:34:36.938-07:00Morning CoffeeUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1526125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-49284070783684094402020-06-18T10:05:00.001-07:002020-06-18T10:05:56.084-07:00hello againEleventy billion years ago, when it was newish, I met up with a friend for coffee, and she told me about this new cool thing called facebook. I fell down that rabbit hole, and it was the death of my blogging. <div><br></div><div>I tried over the years to go back to the blog writing, but it was always lacking the energy that it posessed before social media landed in my lap. </div><div><br></div><div>So I am trying to push myself in two new old directions: I want to start reading again (I was going blind and had eye surgeries and my eyes get very tired very quickly when I read paper pages, but my kindle is readable), and I want to start writing again. Nobody please tell me to "write a book". Gosh, that will probably never happen and if it does, it won't be because someone told me that I should. I am stubborn like that. </div><div><br></div><div>So if anyone finds this, who used to read this blog a long time ago, an update: My kids are grown but not flown, my husband died of cancer in 2017 and I work part time at a library NOT as a librarian. I am still Orthodox Christian. My health has improved and I like kayaking and spotting wildlife. I grow roses and I am so over cooking and sewing. I am simultaneously tied down and at loose ends. </div><div><br></div><div>Hello again. </div><div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-70326808906950623292019-01-07T19:37:00.002-08:002019-01-07T19:37:56.704-08:00Low Carb Meal Ideas...Its January, right? This is a "quick and dirty" post. I am just listing menu titles...not going to give descriptions. I figure blog readers who care can extrapolate from the idea and cook their own food, right? Right.<br />
<br />
Everything will be dairy free, nut free, and of course grain free starch free because, low carb...<br />
<br />
<b>Italian inspired: </b><br />
<br />
-Zucchini noodle and turkey sausage meatballs (1/3 pound made into 3 balls), w/ mushrooms and spaghetti sauce. <br />
<br />
-Cauliflower pizza crust w/ sauce, veggies, meat and nutritional yeast sprinkled on. (cheese if you can have it).<br />
-chicken marsala cooked in wine and mushrooms over a bed of sauteed onion and zucchini noodle<br />
<br />
<b>French inspired:</b><br />
<br />
coq au vin w/ veggies<br />
beef au vin w/ veggies<br />
spinach quiche<br />
broccoli quiche<br />
<br />
<b>Asian inspired:</b><br />
<br />
veg stir fry w/ soy sauce over fried rice made w/ onion, egg and cauliflower rice<br />
can do sweet and sour flavor by adding vinegar and stevia sweetener to the soy sauce. <br />
<br />
<b>Mexican inspired:</b><br />
<br />
fajita filling without the wraps or beans or rice. salad and guacamole and salsa yum.<br />
chili con carne. thicken it with a can of pumpkin.<br />
<br />
<b>Greek inspired: </b><br />
<br />
eggplant/tomato/onion/garlic sautee, aka Moussakka<br />
roasted lamb<br />
salad<br />
<br />
<b>Indian inspired: </b><br />
<br />
Lamb curry with mixed vegetables. I would thicken the sauce w/ coconut flour...at least I would try.<br />
chicken curry, also veg in sauce<br />
<br />
<b>Continental/American inspired</b><br />
<br />
Burger on oopsie rolls<br />
any kind of roast meat with vegetables (radishes are mild when cooked, a good potato sub)<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Eastern Europe inspired: </b><br />
<br />
sauerkraut meatballs made with just the kraut and meat, no rice. coconut flour if binder is needed.<br />
<br />
meat filled cabbage roll-ups iwth tomato sauce.<br />
<br />
Cabbage sauteed with dill and onions. maybe kielbasa with it.<br />
<br />
<b>Great Britain and Ireland inspired:</b><br />
<br />
bangers and mash w/ sauteed onions, mushrooms and roasted then pureed cauliflower fauxtatoes, sausages<br />
<br />
eggs and bacon or eggs and sausages<br />
paleo bread scone of some sort<br />
<br />
Hamburgers and Oopsie roll buns w/ all the fixings...just skip the fries.<br />
<br />
big salad with plenty of protein on it.<br />
<br />
green bean "casserole" (sautee onion, mushroom, green beans together. garlic, salt pepper, if you aren't allergic to dairy,go for some sour cream...<br />
. <br />
<b>Paleo bread recipe: </b><br />
<br />
1 T. coconut flour<br />
1 T flax meal<br />
pinch salt<br />
pinch baking powder<br />
mix these dry ingredients<br />
add 1 tsp oil, 1 egg. <br />
stir well,<br />
microwave in whatever shaped container you want it to be shaped as for 1 minutes. <br />
<br />
Alternately use 2 T coconut four and no flax. can also add sweetener of choice, any flavor extract (I did lemon poppy seed muffin today. <br />
<br />
OR use 2 T cocoa or carob powder<br />
1 T. erythritol/stevia blend (Truvia or Pyure)<br />
pinch salt<br />
flavor extract of choice<br />
pinch baking powder<br />
tsp oil<br />
egg<br />
<br />
makes a cake in a mug. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-45888765218078160232018-12-06T17:22:00.000-08:002018-12-06T17:22:00.138-08:00About Those Thyroid Meds....I have been enjoying very very good health the past few years. I was so very very VERY sick beginning in about 2004, until I started slowly getting better starting in the fall of 2011. It took at least 5 years of improving nutrition, treating my thyroid and then ultimately some intensive chiropractic care to get me to a better place. In 2016 when I cut out sugar and the simple carbs, that was the last step. I got healthy. I lost 90 pounds. Life felt AMAZING physically...which was good because I had to be well and had to be strong because Wes was getting sicker and on his last leg of his cancer battle and I started truly carrying his load, and then literally at the end, carrying him. <br />
<br />
God was merciful and allowed me to have strength and health. I started working out at the gym. Then of course came the new phase of my life, being widowed. Part of what that meant is that I switched to medicaid insurance for a year. And medicaid would not pay for my Armour Thyroid medication. They switched me to the "generic" which is called NP Thyroid, or NatureThyroid. <br />
<br />
It is not the same. IT IS NOT THE SAME. <br />
<br />
I have been on NP Thyroid since perhaps last January. Slowly I have been gaining weight again. Even though I was working out like a bosslady, took up kayaking, doing weights and cardio and paying attention to my food....<br />
<br />
and recently...my knees started hurting again. My hips started hurting again. I started getting random fibro pains again. I double down on my food and clean up the places where I had gotten "lazy"...now mind you, I never did get back into the processed sugars or anything like that. "Lazy" was occasionally eating corn chips and making a couple of batches of grain free bread. STILL very careful. But the illness was creeping back in and I figured it was ALL MY OWN FAULT. <br />
<br />
Yesterday, I saw a blurb of a question on a facebook page that is about Thyroid stuff that I follow (Stop the Thyroid Madness). The question was: Has anyone started getting sicker on NP Thyroid, since they changed the formula????<br />
<br />
DAAAAAAANNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG! they changed their formula???? they changed their formula!!!!!!! And yes, YES I HAVE BEEN GETTING SICKER....it just took a while for the symptoms to add up into a big enough snowball that it knocked me down again.<br />
<br />
I repeated the question on my own wall and some of my fellow thyroid strugglers weighed in. Weight loss efforts have stalled, people are laying on their sofas and suffering with no energy...it's NOT JUST ME and it is NOT MY FAULT. <br />
<br />
I texted my wonderful doctor this morning and tomorrow I go in for labs and next week I will see her and I will FIX THIS. I guess one good thing about not having good insurance, is I can buy whatever type of medicine I deem necessary, so long as I pay for it myself. So I am getting back on Armour and I am tightening up my blood work schedule and I am going to get better. I must get better. PLEASE GOD LET ME GET WELL AGAIN. <br />
<br />
When I compare myself to other women and what they have accomplished in life versus what I have accomplished I often feel bad. This is a reminder to me I spent 12 years being very very very sick while raising a family. Of course I couldn't keep up with any side business or blog or career. I should not be so hard on myself. <br />
<br />
I miss Wes. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-67590416501192928122018-12-05T14:32:00.002-08:002018-12-05T14:35:09.885-08:00Raspberry Date Bars inspired by Linzertorte<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFOTThadU5Jt_m8VT3xdHKDd7AIB42yI2Apr7VElfgeJMystzi776wqEW4rc8xnlXohyJfRiFXxkVa8BZbtzh7sPz7i7KpLHFSxhJDup0Uo8rfG9svdpXWGausP3Hemgv366Mqzw/s1600/20181205_172425.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFOTThadU5Jt_m8VT3xdHKDd7AIB42yI2Apr7VElfgeJMystzi776wqEW4rc8xnlXohyJfRiFXxkVa8BZbtzh7sPz7i7KpLHFSxhJDup0Uo8rfG9svdpXWGausP3Hemgv366Mqzw/s400/20181205_172425.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Crust: 1 pound of sunflower seeds, turned into fine meal in food processor,<br />
pinch of salt, and about 1/2 cup of palm shortening mixed and 2-3 T. date puree mixed in for the crust. Press it into bottom of sprayed 10x14 pan.<br />
<br />
Filling:<br />
2- 12 oz. bags of dates, stuffed into a quart jar and barely covered in water and microwaved for 2 minutes to soak them<br />
2-bags of frozen raspberries, thawed<br />
1/2 cup chia seeds<br />
cap of vanilla<br />
generous pinch of salt<br />
<br />
Puree the dates and water in the food processor first and then take a bit for the crust. To the rest add all the other ingredients and puree until smooth. Spread over the crust.<br />
<br />
Bake at 350F. for half an hour.<br />
Remove and let cool. Cut into bars.<br />
<br />
I made these for my parish's St. Nicholas celebration tonight and not only are they made with real, whole foods, and no processed sugar...they are LENTEN and do not contain any of the most common allergens.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-40201482388099981502018-12-01T17:10:00.002-08:002018-12-01T17:10:37.059-08:00Week End.It's just been a slam me to the wall busy week...lots of driving my son back and forth to community college where he is putting in long hours on his final project. <br />
<br />
I have no deep thoughts. <br />
<br />
Tonight vespers was early because of a local town Christmas festival, and I must say, it was lovely to go to vespers and then come home and cook a nice supper. <br />
<br />
I decided to use the nice china on Sundays, and Saturday night IS Sunday. So we did.<br />
<br />
Prepping music for my parish's St. Nicholas Day program...<br />
Doing some sewing tweaks to a fake "great omophorion" on the St. Nicholas costume. ( Am I allowed to say "great omofauxrion"... yes, why yes I am! )<br />
<br />
It's just all ordinary. And I'm tired. And I'm griefy today.<br />
<br />
Last night I showed up and helped decorate the church for Christmas. Mostly I held things and handed them to someone on a ladder....and dried some wet garlands with paper towels. Of course I also managed to break a vase. Because I am me. <br />
<br />
I went to the gym. I went for walks. I did laundry. I cooked vegetables. Life. <br />
<br />
Oh, and the tree is up. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkYksFmjuhNTHN0pajARkeKJ9pNItju2-Jud642lzgu7eYp_YVYbzhElBDl31wz9qV1U5aRI4TENaV1NstRH0maaL1NZiL8Ji2sf_zKEh7BPxmAgIxD5q2Pt4mZZHljEfLlLLImg/s1600/20181201_174338.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkYksFmjuhNTHN0pajARkeKJ9pNItju2-Jud642lzgu7eYp_YVYbzhElBDl31wz9qV1U5aRI4TENaV1NstRH0maaL1NZiL8Ji2sf_zKEh7BPxmAgIxD5q2Pt4mZZHljEfLlLLImg/s320/20181201_174338.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
And that is all. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-4606401580576586802018-11-24T12:45:00.002-08:002018-11-24T12:51:46.567-08:00Sinking<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWFaFfhbNWzkhl97B1bpAJbj7JpUCDAzl0-jntpbRxZQi-yxZLKN9Q6vPeqvR4A5Dem3Z0Euoc_OEc6Fw-ECTlZB41A6xKpBMOGTz17WQvey3N-dthBFDRlhSFSKkmooUO3G6aXQ/s1600/20151216_053148.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWFaFfhbNWzkhl97B1bpAJbj7JpUCDAzl0-jntpbRxZQi-yxZLKN9Q6vPeqvR4A5Dem3Z0Euoc_OEc6Fw-ECTlZB41A6xKpBMOGTz17WQvey3N-dthBFDRlhSFSKkmooUO3G6aXQ/s320/20151216_053148.jpg" width="180" /></a>I have burned myself out at the gym doing the same weight lifting routine with very little variation for the past 14 months. I have changed tiny things here and there, but not enough.<br />
I can't focus on much of anything beyond the basics of life.<br />
Church is very hard. I go. But it is hard.<br />
I have ideas but no "make it happen" energy.<br />
My eating has gone to pot...sort of. The WHAT is still OK, but it's been a bit on the "too much" side of things this past year.<br />
And the dark months are upon us. It's like midnight dark at 5 pm now.<br />
And I think I am depressed. Because, see all of the above.<br />
I feel like I ought to be farther along the path towards...not "not griefy"...but at least a bit more functional, and I'm just not.<br />
And I don't like it.<br />
And I feel uncomfortable with myself and in my own skin.<br />
And change is hard and there have been so many many changes.<br />
And my feet are not under me yet.<br />
And I am still floundering.<br />
I wish I could get rid of feelings.<br />
I am tired.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-26729216522134433012018-11-23T06:54:00.000-08:002018-11-23T07:01:43.705-08:00Low Glycemic All Fruit Pecan Pie<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Do you love pecan pie, but your body does NOT love pecan pie because of all the sugar????</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNbUB7CcSxc4cbHQa5VYBdBFNveOxaN6n5PvA2TcwbV49E3X4WIFALseePxLHobXa_D6sVqiUpzITGtLWcMzjHMoe5bjtguDztFOkdVxJVU6kT32hqwla7XbQ9xWipsWgs5rUMIA/s1600/IMG_0361.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNbUB7CcSxc4cbHQa5VYBdBFNveOxaN6n5PvA2TcwbV49E3X4WIFALseePxLHobXa_D6sVqiUpzITGtLWcMzjHMoe5bjtguDztFOkdVxJVU6kT32hqwla7XbQ9xWipsWgs5rUMIA/s640/IMG_0361.JPG" width="426" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Dates are the answer. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Because of the fiber and nutrients, even though they are very sweet, DATES ARE LOW GLYCEMIC!!!!! ranging from 43-55 on the glycemic index. Ok, so on the high end of the low range, but let's be realistic, right? It's dessert. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Instead of the corn syrup/sugar/egg blend that you pour over the nuts, do the following:</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Stuff about 3 cups of dates into a quart jar and then barely cover with water. Let soak overnight OR microwave for 2 minutes. Pour this into a food processor. add a generous pinch of salt, a cap full of vanilla and maybe a cap full of maple extract. add 3 eggs and a few tablespoons of butter or margarine or coconut oil. Process until foamy and smooth...several minutes. Optionally add a couple of tablespoons of real maple syrup to the processing.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Since this is thick, do the following: pour into prepared pie shell and then put your layer of nuts ON TOP (regular pecan pie the nuts will rise to the top but this is thicker and they won't).</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Bake at 350 Farenheit for 45 minutes. I made this with pumpkin seeds instead of pecans (because I have sad sad nut allergies) and it is delicious and a VERY acceptable substitute for regular pecan pie filling.</div>
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THIS IS IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM A LOW CALORIE FOOD. IT IS DESSERT AND CONTAINS LOTS OF ENERGY. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-75974156786711768922018-11-22T10:34:00.000-08:002018-11-22T10:34:07.297-08:00Allergen Friendly Feast<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj2piE-gmLYBe1rtzoEbPxD4rzb6Fk6tPnHDiDmtbNaxBeMpe9sUPJybkRn1XQHv3Ji0FwIcxbiR_PhZqzLztD9DxIzM7JAOOtBIFKPbcqCdkZsPanPnmfcR1GW8OzzY_GCYiphw/s1600/IMG_0344.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj2piE-gmLYBe1rtzoEbPxD4rzb6Fk6tPnHDiDmtbNaxBeMpe9sUPJybkRn1XQHv3Ji0FwIcxbiR_PhZqzLztD9DxIzM7JAOOtBIFKPbcqCdkZsPanPnmfcR1GW8OzzY_GCYiphw/s640/IMG_0344.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">One of my goals today (we are all very griefy) was a pretty table. Achieved.</span><br />
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Eric took some lovely pictures. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_QQ84pcp5iDhVju0AFY8oyDsw9-AxP2Ql4h1CxA8FSUU8Gn9fleHD7t_T3HxQLakFoMIUUybPLSxjdcMiWtA_ys1Q9W9KMj7jy7-kJVPvokfQkDhU3k3_jJ2pN5beR1ksuHtXuA/s1600/IMG_0342.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_QQ84pcp5iDhVju0AFY8oyDsw9-AxP2Ql4h1CxA8FSUU8Gn9fleHD7t_T3HxQLakFoMIUUybPLSxjdcMiWtA_ys1Q9W9KMj7jy7-kJVPvokfQkDhU3k3_jJ2pN5beR1ksuHtXuA/s640/IMG_0342.JPG" width="640" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtHw0eFp6CwcGb7leV4-DvVukHQplVAkSGSy4IIw7VsY43XT3zRZSZT8tNSAMIWgoh8lv8H9JndYvR_JvphXlYXxMbWy-fLBQOheBp39pFtCtJxHP9uBNhJZUWKVlIkIcD7xeS1Q/s1600/IMG_0346.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtHw0eFp6CwcGb7leV4-DvVukHQplVAkSGSy4IIw7VsY43XT3zRZSZT8tNSAMIWgoh8lv8H9JndYvR_JvphXlYXxMbWy-fLBQOheBp39pFtCtJxHP9uBNhJZUWKVlIkIcD7xeS1Q/s640/IMG_0346.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I OFTEN get asked with puzzlement (when I mention my ridiculous food allergies and food restrictions) "So what DO you eat????" Turkey. Traditional Southern style Cornbread dressing done w/ a cornbread base made from coconut flour, flax meal and corn meal, cranberries stewed with dates and dried cherries, pureed. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrdVFnZMQ-pnP7hzcHHjb1zM_FT_8aS4gAEEEZ3kautvZQIgueH32U2t5ne8ygGu02bAEqzOXDKQi7r0-Mrphg8rdLCjsSY3vt69OMtUyMYSkSdmxYa__hQH3sVlXn8nz7ITXtYA/s1600/IMG_0340+%25281%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrdVFnZMQ-pnP7hzcHHjb1zM_FT_8aS4gAEEEZ3kautvZQIgueH32U2t5ne8ygGu02bAEqzOXDKQi7r0-Mrphg8rdLCjsSY3vt69OMtUyMYSkSdmxYa__hQH3sVlXn8nz7ITXtYA/s640/IMG_0340+%25281%2529.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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Sweet potatoes boiled with apple, pureed with marga<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">rine and cinnamon and salt, green beans sauteed with mushrooms and onions, with Gluten free french fried onions added (from Aldi's), giblet gravy done with turkey broth, giblets and thickened with corn starch. Desserts include apple tarts sweetened with date puree and a pumpkin seed pie that is done with date puree (inspired by pecan pie and hits the same happy spot in my brain). I also whipped up a cheese biscuit mix for those who can have them, and there are other cookies and reddi whip for those who can. Apple Cinnamon Spice tea, and Camomile Peach tea and water for drink options. So that is how a feast is made for people with ridiculous food restrictions. We don't suffer. Eric loved my stuffing, so I have achieved culinary greatness. Everything here is gluten free and sugar free and nut free, and most of it is dairy free.<br />
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</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-49329006501194386362018-11-21T20:31:00.004-08:002018-11-21T20:31:57.443-08:00Today was hardYesterday marked the anniversary date of Wes' cancer diagnosis, and today marked the time as we remember it "the day before Thanksgiving"...as it was five years ago. It was a hard day today in so many ways. <br />
<br />
But in so many other ways it was a day with joy, too. It is so funny how I can be incandescently depressed and griefy and at the same time have joy in my life...as if those two opposites simply exist simultaneously on two different wavelengths. <br />
<br />
I went to Divine Liturgy this morning since it is the feast day of the Entrance of the Theotokos into the Temple, and it is a lovely feast. I ended up singing in the choir because there was no other soprano, and because I love to sing, even though I am super shy about it now because I am not supposed to be emotional or cry at all when I am in choir. I managed, but it was a close thing for a bit.<br />
<br />
It was nice spending time with all my kids home today. I also went to the dollar store and grabbed a few cheap items to make my table nicer (I hope) tomorrow. <br />
<br />
And I was also depressed as anything pretty much all afternoon long. We ended up being too tired to cook supper after doing a lot of Thanksgiving pre-cooking today, so I took the kids to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. Shrimp Fajitas seems festive. It's so nice to spend that time with them. <br />
<br />
And then it was back to Church of the Akathist of Thanksgiving. It was one of those "grit my teeth and do the right thing" moments. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. <br />
<br />
One's ultimate stance in life is a matter of will, not emotion. I will carry on.<br />
<br />
I had to look up how long to cook my 12.5 pound turkey, and I don't know if I should put it in super early and have lunch right at noon, or if I should put it in after liturgy (if I go) and have a later lunch. choices, choices. I don't know. <br />
<br />
Tomorrow is another Liturgy at an impossibly early 8 am. I don't even know if I have the energy for it, to be honest, but I feel guilty for not wanting to go when I have the opportunity. <br />
<br />
I don't know. I just don't know. I mostly want to hide. And I'm still very depressed. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-8937193195942299242018-11-20T05:19:00.000-08:002018-11-23T07:00:39.099-08:00Anti-Inflammatory GranolaYou know how everyone open-secretly hates cooking blogs because they ramble on and on with eight thousand Instagram worthy pictures and a huge story about how Pine-Nut the whimsically named toddler made a mess in the living room while mama was baking those muffins? Yeah. I'm not into it either.<br />
<br />
So lets not do that. The anti-inflammatory diet is happening and it is still new enough that I feel like I need to shout from the rooftops and feel smug that I made granola without any stevia or honey or anything sweet in it (except for dried cherries) at all, and I ate it and it was good and it gave me popeye-like super powers. (Just kidding, I am coming down with a cold just in time for the holidays and I feel mostly like upcycled dirt...which, according to the ancient Hebrew Scriptures, I am...)<br />
<br />
So, I made quick granola without anything sweet in it (except for dried cherries) and it was good and I ate it and it is giving me good energy.<br />
<br />
Here ya go:<br />
<br />
1/2 cup rolled oats<br />
1 T. coconut oil<br />
small handful of pumpkin seeds (or use nuts if you aren't anaphylactic to them like I am)<br />
pinch of salt<br />
hefty sprinkling of cinnamon.<br />
<br />
Stir all this together and microwave in a flat-ish bowl or plate in 30 second increments until it is crispy. Yes, it will happen and it doesn't take all that long. Stir every once in a while.<br />
<br />
Add a small handful of cherries. Be reasonable because those babies are EXPENSIVE (but oh so worth it because anti-inflammatory superpowers).<br />
<br />
Have it for breakfast. But don't take a picture. Because you are busy eating and you have not decided to blog about it until after the fact.<br />
<br />
Congratulate yourself for eating something so healthy, and vegan, and lenten. Feel smug.<br />
<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000H7LVKY/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1" target="_blank">Here is a link to the dried cherries. </a><br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Lightly-Salted-Pumpkin-Kernels-Gerbs/dp/B00EO74YKM/ref=sr_1_5_s_it?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1542719532&sr=1-5&keywords=gerbs+pumpkin+seeds" target="_blank">Here is a link to the nut-free not cross contaminated pumpkin seeds that everyone with nut allergies needs to know about. </a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-35184321963723681292018-11-18T04:49:00.000-08:002018-11-18T04:53:45.903-08:00A World of HURT (food, health, fitness, inflammation, etc.)So, almost three years ago now (March 16, 2016) I severely cleaned up my diet and started losing weight. I lost 90 pounds and felt GREAT for the most part. Just a month or so before Wes died I started lifting weights so that I would be strong enough to lift him when he needed me to. I got inspired to join the gym the day I was struggling to lift his wheelchair in and out of the back of the car. So I did that.<br />
<br />
And then he died and I have kept right on going to the gym. I re-gained 20 pounds, and much of that is muscle...much but not quite all, I don't think. I'm pretty solid and I am OK with that. And for the first time in my adult life my weight is stable. STABLE. As in: I eat at will with good eating habits, and I don't gain weight.<br />
<br />
Many of my good habits from the active weight loss phase have stayed with me. I wont' bore you...it's all common sense stuff.<br />
<br />
But it is definitely time to tighten things up again because I AM IN PHYSICAL PAIN AGAIN.<br />
<br />
Ugh.<br />
<br />
In 2004 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and then when my thyroid started getting treated in 2011 I started getting better, and when I massively cleaned up my diet (no more bread/flour based foods or sugar or alcohol) my pain levels went way down and I lost weight, got fit and active etc.<br />
<br />
I'm still sugar free, unless you count the all-fruit juice sweetened super sweet jelly I like to put on my ...."I never eat bread, except that I totally started having the occasional gluten free sandwich and then I developed an awesome recipe for grain free bread made with buckwheat flour and tapioca starch...and BREAAAAAAADDDDDDD. yummo"....BREAD.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJdn5LjQBAvRsdkeKiuwwlldpxq8bdgfOYjZEB8f7CyN-BWO44w2SYuQLEyytoqM-pN1uI9ut-LSm_i_MKr0ISLObOZ6hfpnKwoW4GvDFlrrfCcif-PKlmU0juXmkbac1uPWTU_Q/s1600/20181109_091651.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJdn5LjQBAvRsdkeKiuwwlldpxq8bdgfOYjZEB8f7CyN-BWO44w2SYuQLEyytoqM-pN1uI9ut-LSm_i_MKr0ISLObOZ6hfpnKwoW4GvDFlrrfCcif-PKlmU0juXmkbac1uPWTU_Q/s320/20181109_091651.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Danger Bread...grain free, but that doesn't matter to my body. </i></td></tr>
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<br />
So that happened.<br />
<br />
Oh, and did I mention that I took up another sport during this past year, too?...kayaking (nothing dangerous, just flat level-1 hard core paddling kayaking...no rapids...just long haul cardio exercise out in nature, which I LOVE.<br />
<br />
And it totally didn't hurt that each time I went out on the water that was about a 1200 calorie burn on top of my normal daily metabolism stuff.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi44erIzrFgyghdno9YWrBjtsxEHd14AspKCBBTxrjVouuoa4i7NlYiJuj9CaW_QoKPUBNDvQ_HQUT6AZPWR8-iLJJOffBK1HLr2Hp_D6tdwsnimQqln44lN2XS7_vBZE8XBu-WKw/s1600/20181021_145944.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi44erIzrFgyghdno9YWrBjtsxEHd14AspKCBBTxrjVouuoa4i7NlYiJuj9CaW_QoKPUBNDvQ_HQUT6AZPWR8-iLJJOffBK1HLr2Hp_D6tdwsnimQqln44lN2XS7_vBZE8XBu-WKw/s320/20181021_145944.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
<i>Oh look, the tippy tip of my boat. That's the Dix River just above Herrington Lake. I'm missing this....but right now it is just too cold. </i></td></tr>
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<br />
So what's it called when you eat extra and then exercise extra to compensate for it? it might just be...normal. BUT...<br />
<br />
Considering that this is what I did in High School years with actual binges, I would say I have been dancing a little too close to the line of exercise bulimia. Maybe not hard core...but tending in that direction.<br />
<br />
So basically the weather has changed (never a good thing), I have been eating bread and starchy things and darn it, it's so attractive and easy and yummy...but my <b>pain has come back</b>.<br />
<br />
My knees hurt. My elbows itch. My scalp itches. I have random fibro pains and my lower back is sore again. Hives happen. Body not good.<br />
<br />
And I'm like....no thank you. (Well, actually the version of this sentence in my head is a bit less polite, but whatever.)<br />
<br />
So now I get to be even stricter with the food thing, because I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW it makes a difference in pain levels.<br />
<br />
It's time to go full-on anti-inflammatory diet. Just in time for the holidays yay (rolls eyeballs).<br />
<br />
I HOPE I feel better in a few weeks. I HOPE the pain goes back down. The BIGGEST changes I will need to make is of course getting off bread again (which has been a recent anomaly so that won't really be a hard thing at all) and giving up my stevia/erythritol blend sweetener (which will likely be very very hard)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioen9Z80ytZjuNLWdh0JOdAod0yg_QJoCHJniJNBsMqANmKbbQP5kCc9OtfN5kNsVh6mHMnFj1HZoHgv99fp5IJDuvEVXRn7BxAunMKpFgl7Vio2t6Rc5RnRme3fO8NL0YYLTb2w/s1600/20181117_120957.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioen9Z80ytZjuNLWdh0JOdAod0yg_QJoCHJniJNBsMqANmKbbQP5kCc9OtfN5kNsVh6mHMnFj1HZoHgv99fp5IJDuvEVXRn7BxAunMKpFgl7Vio2t6Rc5RnRme3fO8NL0YYLTb2w/s320/20181117_120957.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Wild Rose Hips at Veterans Park where I have been going on short hikes lately. Edible. Ate some. </i></td></tr>
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. If I am going to do this thing, I will do it right. I also need to tighten up the types of fats I use, and ditch the smart balance margarine in favor of plain coconut oil. My food allergies have an impact on the breadth of food variety available to me, but it's totally do-able.<br />
<br />
Hopefully in a few weeks I can write about how much better I feel.<br />
<br />
I also need to change up my workout ,but that is the subject of another blog post. <a href="https://charlotteriggle.com/my-crazy-anti-inflammatory-diet/?fbclid=IwAR2x71epHwi92UAdSObmO2SZqI7YCx9TZ51KNhXFbp3JHQUm8ChBr5NPdjg" target="_blank">Here is a link to another blog post about the same diet I will be going on. I had a very encouraging chat with Charli about it yesterday. </a><br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM2FykYPvQwSBisqvYik8QpnbaHVNbHvPlN1gATxEx1d1muyZJhU96YYTrJq1vUEQ4mY3z5GBo5bHPCrJRrRMZFx5oBE9jo-rBYZ-trLXgRE5ubM69MY16vT8w-AuvVtmoMjDybw/s1600/20181030_090154.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM2FykYPvQwSBisqvYik8QpnbaHVNbHvPlN1gATxEx1d1muyZJhU96YYTrJq1vUEQ4mY3z5GBo5bHPCrJRrRMZFx5oBE9jo-rBYZ-trLXgRE5ubM69MY16vT8w-AuvVtmoMjDybw/s320/20181030_090154.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>This is what inflammation looks like. This was a couple of weeks ago, when I had dairy exposure from sheep's milk cheese that I used to be able to eat but no more, so it was particularly bad (hives)....but even without the dairy I have this going on low key and I HATES IT!!</i>!!!!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZrLGVN3te3b-UL_4vi6bBoF9O9_UfGn613bE4XZUi2tvxU076sd-Qjoxu5i1UVcHFwdfmKIcPBQZTaY57vdN6TmXx7j6OelqUXCd53jL-RuTsdDUYoAWm0wJNlgvGtqFz0rqFTg/s1600/20181021_155510.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZrLGVN3te3b-UL_4vi6bBoF9O9_UfGn613bE4XZUi2tvxU076sd-Qjoxu5i1UVcHFwdfmKIcPBQZTaY57vdN6TmXx7j6OelqUXCd53jL-RuTsdDUYoAWm0wJNlgvGtqFz0rqFTg/s320/20181021_155510.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>I am River Rat</i></td></tr>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-70617808893944507282018-11-17T15:06:00.003-08:002018-11-23T06:55:30.510-08:00Musical Pasta Sauce<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I have synesthesia where sometimes music sounds like food tastes. Today I made pasta sauce that tastes like music: </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I got this recipe for a pasta sauce from my goddaughter. Oh my. Musical pasta sauce. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #eff1f3; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">in food processor: 8 roma tomatoes, de-skinned. a few baby carrots, a goodly squirt of tomato paste or alternately a bag of sundried tomatoes, about 3-4 T. olive oil and 4-6 T. balsamic vinegar. Whirr until smooth.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #eff1f3; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #eff1f3; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">tn skillet sautee 8 oz. sliced mushrooms, a sliced onion and some sliced baby carrots, oregano, salt, pepper. add the blended stuff and let it simmer until carrots are tender. So good. So very very good.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-72890669436570547632018-11-17T05:22:00.000-08:002018-11-17T05:22:06.847-08:00Life as UsualOh my it has been a long time since I have written anything at all. <br />
<br />
Life has been going on. <br />
<br />
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Year one is behind me and grief has turned a very small corner. Perhaps the inner rawness is starting to heal over a bit, but the haze and fog has also lifted and left a deep loneliness in its wake. Such is grief. Those waves of grief do still hit me from time to time and the tears still come, but not quite as often as in early days. <br />
<br />
My time is spent mostly driving people where they need to go and supporting my son with his school work focus and supporting my daughter with her daily needs, trips to the doctor, etc. <br />
<br />
I've been sewing a little bit since my eye surgeries have healed and I finally got new glasses. Not going blind is a blessing. I've barely even begun to process the fact Wes died and then I found out I was going blind and then I had surgeries and now I will have to be on eye drops for the rest of my life and all of that sucks. People in the Fuch's group I'm in have these huge emotions about the disease and for me it was so very overshadowed by other stuff that it barely got a nod of inner acknowledgement, even though it is kind of huge to have your corneas fail...and now it is part of my story and a permanent part of my budget and I kind of hate that. Medical stuff sucks. We are so fragile and so expensive.<br />
<br />
My hair is slowly growing back after the stress related hair loss I experienced. That is an effort in patience. It looks like a very poorly cut pixie at the moment. I still wear lots of scarves and wigs...because there is a vast difference between having super short hair because one has chosen such a style, versus having super short hair because it is re-growing after hair loss. I miss my curls.<br />
<br />
I'm still not very organized and I still have major anxiety about stupid stuff...such as checking the mail. Ugh. I hate having to the check the mail. This is not logical, but it is real. I should go check the mail.<br />
<br />
And my young people aren't driving yet because I cannot teach them. I have panic attacks, almost, just THINKING about it. Actually getting in the car with them is impossible. It's not the idea of them driving that I object to, it is the actual process of teaching them that I cannot do. Oh well. When school is less busy, God will provide teachers I trust.<br />
<br />
The cats are ruining my love seat as fast they possibly can and with great zeal and dedication. One uses her claws and the other his bladder, and I am angry and resentful about that even though I do love them. Perhaps it will be a future upholstery project for me...<br />
<br />
Oh, with the help of a friend I replaced the floor of my kitchen/dining room with smartcore vinyl fooring. It has been Pergo which was awful and got water damaged and was already not quite installed right when I bought the house. It was good to do a major project like that. <br />
<br />
Wow, I don't know if it sounds like it, but in my head this post is massively depressed sounding and rather poorly written and just a ramble. I don't even care. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-83153872266274181742018-06-21T16:07:00.003-07:002018-06-21T16:07:51.129-07:00Begin AgainSo the whole world knows that starting in March of 2016 I started losing weight. I lost 90 pounds. In August of last year, because Wes' wheelchair was too heavy for me to lift, I started going to the gym and lifting weights. Within three weeks of starting my workouts (I did make rapid enough strength gains that I could tell a difference and was grateful for it) I was lifting Wes instead of his wheelchair, as his rapid decline had started, and he needed my help. <br />
<br />
Lifting weights has been a sources of satisfaction, stress relief, endorphins and strength through this past year. I love doing it, and it's great to be fit. <br />
<br />
But since starting my workouts, I got hungrier and I stopped counting calories quite as strictly, relying on the good habits I had learned to carry me....<br />
<br />
...hmmm, not so wise perhaps. Over the past ten months, I've regained 16 pounds of the 90 I lost. <br />
<br />
I am so much stronger. I have muscles...so I know that some of that regain is muscle weight...and I also know that some of it is belly fat from eating too many corn chips. This I know to be true from deep in my heart. <br />
<br />
So, back on the bandwagon of the habits that stood me in good stead to get the weight off. It's an endless war.<br />
<br />
The other changes I''m making (besies weighing and measuring my food) is that I've been trying to find out how to control some IBS symptoms that have been getting worse. It appears that cutting out legumes and grains is needed to reduce inflammation and stop the endless pain. So that's what I will do. <br />
<br />
I am not looking for advice. I am not looking for sympathy. I am simply telling my story. (And no, I don't want or need any Plexus or other types of MLM products).<br />
<br />
And my story is that it's an endless war to watch one's weight, or to maintain a weight loss. So onwards I go, one day at a time. Today is the first day of summer...so it's a good time to begin again. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-35706641653431485482018-06-17T20:33:00.004-07:002018-06-17T20:45:01.188-07:00Kayaking<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0tMEi_JGFcNVEGI6WqxUd58C4c7m2vFhLEkJgaFV00ThH2DI6Te7Vh4IcEwJi7D5IGDDOCe3zk8tk7L_JUiz3IGdkLESEDdRx5hOufPNWZug2g81whHKordsFbfyFPAg-_QG0Kw/s1600/20180616_110409.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0tMEi_JGFcNVEGI6WqxUd58C4c7m2vFhLEkJgaFV00ThH2DI6Te7Vh4IcEwJi7D5IGDDOCe3zk8tk7L_JUiz3IGdkLESEDdRx5hOufPNWZug2g81whHKordsFbfyFPAg-_QG0Kw/s320/20180616_110409.jpg" width="240" /></a>I bought a kayak and I named her Rhy (pron. Rhee). She's for going out on the Kentucky River and maybe I'll haul her out to a local lake or two at some point as well. Don't worry, the Kentucky River is tame when the weather conditions are appropriate for kayaking....it is divided by dams and locks into what the fish and wildlife management system calls "pools". We were in pool number seven. The current is very manageable. If it weren't, I would not go out.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPJhN30ys3yyiFwJ1-AMOyGx7Dnrm7rX8dXyULTzQOvgRPy1jAcTqF-YmOpNWymNLLUiuPuVZ8D-jcFm_c_2bKYZJU1UkF1DMHCP5_5YCeY4lAX75snI0W6sfsbpy5HGZE_qZffQ/s1600/20180616_110348.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPJhN30ys3yyiFwJ1-AMOyGx7Dnrm7rX8dXyULTzQOvgRPy1jAcTqF-YmOpNWymNLLUiuPuVZ8D-jcFm_c_2bKYZJU1UkF1DMHCP5_5YCeY4lAX75snI0W6sfsbpy5HGZE_qZffQ/s320/20180616_110348.jpg" width="240" /></a>This is pure joy for me. I never knew until my goddaughter invited me along and let me borrow her boat one day. I was hooked.<br />
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Yesterday we went down to the Kentucky River at Highbridge and set into the water, paddling upstream and into the Dix river. It was gorgeous. There was mist on the Dix, and the water was colder and clearer than the Kentucky river. The current wasn't bad, but it was a bit of a workout. Eventually we paddled far enough that we found a water fall and were able to pull our boats up and get out and explore a littel bit. Mossy rocks, ferns, folliage, and fresh water.<br />
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While we were at the water fall we heard a snuffling, huffing, barking sound among the underbrush. We never saw the critter, but it moved from above us to off to one side. Shudder. The horrors! But when we moved around more and talked louder it hunkered down and got still and quiet or slunk away. We never saw whatever it was.<br />
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I've been stuck on Psalm 23 since well before Wes died, and yesterday the line about "He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul and guides my life in righteousness for His name's sake..." stood out to me.<br />
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Just because I'm having a moment of joy out in nature doesn't mean I don't feel instantly sad again at the drop of a hat. Grief is like that. My mood can turn on a dime. It's good to get outdoors. I spent four years in caregiver mode, so it's been a long time and I've missed it, so I'm grateful for the chance, at least.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-33156472476981947462018-06-14T17:27:00.001-07:002018-06-14T17:27:57.401-07:00Snapshots: So HappyI went up to the Hermitage of the Holy Cross Monastery today with a small group of ladies from my church. It was a nice little day trip, there and back again. While we were there, I got to make confession and have a conversation with a priest monk there, and that was good. The group I was with spent some time helping to wrap about five hunded bars of soap with their labels, so that the soap shop would be ready for a festival this weekend where they can sell their wares. While I was there I also spent some time very quiet out of doors looking at the wild flowers, bees and rocks. <br />
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The mountains are gorgeous and the monastery grounds are well kept. A bright blue sky was the lid, and the monastery is tucked into a bowl of tree clad mountains. Everything seems filled with heavenly grace. There were black eyed susans, daisies, various kinds of clover and other whildflowers growing in profusion. <br />
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Just like the last time I visited a monastery, it seemed like heaven was so much closer than it does ordinarily. I have a memory to share: <br />
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The day before Wes fell into his coma sleep, so one week before he died...it was a Monday...he kept saying "I'm so happy." "I'm so happy....I'm so happy." He didn't have a lot of words at that point and I felt like all he could muster was that simple description. But he kept saying it over and over in a rather insistent way. Finally it dawned on me to ask: "Wes, are you seeing saints and angels????!!!" <br />
He did not answer with words (I don't think he was permitted to do so) but his affirmative grin was something to behold...and the strongest yes I think I have ever seen him communicate in his whole life. <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-2248229714049479222018-06-13T19:53:00.000-07:002018-06-13T19:53:20.903-07:00Snapshots: DeathI'm finally starting to feel ready to write about Wes. I'm calling these posts snapshots, because I will probably be recording memories of our last days, months, moments together...and I will write them as they come to me to write about them, and not in the chonological order which they occured. <br />
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Wes died on Monday night, October 9th, but it was rather close to midnight. The exact time he stopped breathing was 11:17 pm. But his death certificate and tombstone say October 10th because it was after midnight when the Hospice nurse arrived and certified his death. That's kind of weird. <br />
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As soon as I found out he had terminal brain cancer (the day before Thanksgiving of 2013) I got online and researched what the end was going to be like. And I have to say: Wes' death was textbook Glioblastoma brain cancer. <br />
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The night he'd died, he'd been in and out of a coma sleep for almost a week. His last food was on Tuesday morning. He ate about nine small bites of spoonfed oatmeal and then he was done. He refused all offers after that. And that is the day he started sleeping all the time. And his sleep was not normal sleep...when he was alseep, he was in a coma...sleeping through bed baths, diaper changes, everything. But he would wake up about once a day and whisper a few simple words. I would always offer him water and he alway refused. Sometimes he would let me wet his mouth with a sponge. His body was sweating a whole lot and even though he wasn't eating or drinking anything, he was still...how to put this delicately...needing to be changed regularly. And as his system emptied out, it was like a great reversal: infancy had returned in nearly every way. He could not move, he was utterly dependant for all his needs. <br />
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And on Sunday, after sleeping nearly all the time since Tuesday morning, he woke up. This was his rally day. In early afternoon, Father Justin and Deacon Simeon came over and offered Holy Communion and prayers of absolution. That was his very last food...our last meal together, I guess. (I'd not thought of it that way before). On Sunday afternoon, he asked for the kids. A friend went down to Berea and fetched them and brought them home. He was awake and waiting for them. We all gathered around and hugs were given. Love was shared. His last words were to me: "I Love..."And then he fell asleep for the last time. <br />
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He didn't wake up at all on Monday. We were all sort of hanging around and waiting for something to happen....was he going to die? Was he going to wake up one more time? We all knew he was dying. His hands and feet, lower legs and lower arms were icy icy cold. He was breathing heavy and fast, like he was running a hundred yard dash. Every cell in his body was dumping fluid and he was geasy oily sweaty gross and he smelled like cheese. I had to go wash my hands after every time I touched him. The hospice nurse came and said that morphine would help ease his breathing, so I agreed to a dose even though he wasn't in any pain as far as we could tell. Wes slept. <br />
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In the Evening, the kids and I decided that they should go back to school. The hopsice nurse had also told me I was hovering too much and that sometimes introverts needed to be alone when they die and I should leave him alone for a bit. That was really really hard to do, but I followed her advice and took the kids back to Berea myself on Monday evening. There and back again as fast as I could in a swift two hours...I got home at 9:35 pm. Wes was still breathing. <br />
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Bethany was upstairs in her room, presumably sleeping and so we were alone. I settled in next to him with my computer and listened to him breathing. I did so much of that during those last weeks: In and out in and out...the last bit of life...every breath a gift still. He breathed, I waited and kept vigil beside him. I knew. <br />
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It was 11 pm and there was a downshift in his breathing sounds...a change, like a car engine shifting from third gear into second and then first gear. I got out the Book of Needs that Fr. J had loaned me. In it are prayers to be prayed when an Orthodox personn is dying. How often does one actually get to have such a death to make that possible? Wes had such a death. <br />
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So I prayed them slow, and I won't lie and say the timing was perfect. There were three longer prayers at the end, I just kept praying those...I might have been on the second or third time through those last three prayers when his breathing stopped....so it wasn't long at all. I was sitting on his bed, had the book in one hand but had my arm around him, too. <br />
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Death is an ugly thing. It was a little bit horrible because his eyes opened dead and he wasn't looking at me at all. His eyes were utterly blank. And then he stopped breathing and was gone. It didn't even occur to me to close his eyes. I left them open and called my friend. Then I called my priest and he came over and had his censor and prayers that were appropriate, along with "memory eternal". He's the one who told me to close his eyes. Good idea. Then I called the Hospice nurse and after she certified his death she called the funeral home. <br />
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Two men and a gurney showed up. It might have been 2 am or later by now...it was middle of the night time and physically to my exhausted body it felt like Pascha beause of the time of night, the prayers, incense, hubub...and the fact that all of this was happening while the rest of the world was fast asleep and knew nothing of the happenings that night. It's amazing how fast he got cold and stiff. <br />
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And so that was the night Wes died. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-92000108189511444882018-02-11T13:53:00.000-08:002018-02-11T14:00:03.846-08:00A Happy MemoryPrecisely one week before Wes died, on his lasts fully awake day (he was bed bound by this point), Wes kept reapeating over and over again, with a blissful look on his face: "I'm happy." "I'm so happy." "I'm really really happy." "I'm so happy."<br />
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His words were hard to come by at this point in his life, and often came out haltingly because his tumor was in the speech center. But he was saying this over and over with great determination and meaning.<br />
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After a while, it occurred to me that something more than a good mood might be going on.<br />
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"Wes, are you seeing saints and angels?"<br />
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Wes happened to be chewing a bit of food when I asked the question. He didn't answer me with words, but his face broke out into the most affirmative, delighted and mischievious grin. He never did answer me with words after he finished his bite. I don't think he was allowed to tell me, and I didn't press the point. But he told me with his smile.<br />
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This memory brings me great comfort.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-55349286818379132142018-02-10T11:51:00.003-08:002018-02-10T11:54:50.863-08:00A New AbnormalI am so betwixt and between and I feel rather lost. I suppose that this is normal just a few months after one's husband dies.<br />
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On the one hand, it seems that I am getting up and doing things each day...the things that present theselves as needing done, or things on my VERY long list of big stuff that need to get done. And so I am functional.<br />
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On the other hand, the three of us (myself, B and E who moved back home when he dropped out of school) hardly know how to be a family. It's like we are drifting without our anchor. Each of us spends an inordinate amount of time in our own room, and since each of us has special food needs, we've been mostly fixing our own individual meals and fending for ourselves. This place is like a ghost town, except for in our own rooms where we live.<br />
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We are going to make an effort to eat supper together and spend a wee bit of time together. Of course I see each one individually whenever I need to take someone someplace, since I'm the driver/caregiver helping people to navigate the world as young adults with autism. E got his learner's permit and we've had one driving lesson so far. We seem to have so many medical appointments.<br />
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So I feel lost. I don't know myself any more.<br />
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I can't seem to find the time or energy to sew and I just dont have much ooomph at all. In between doing the long list of things I have to get done, I just don't' have any energy for anythig FUN. <br />
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I AM going to the gym a few times a week, and regularly increasing my weights on the weight lifting, so that's nice. Yesterday I squatted 105, and did 100 pound deadlifts...bench press is 55 pounds right now and that feels pretty heavy.<br />
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I think I bit myself in my sleep again last night. It's happened before. I woke up with bruises on my arm...again.<br />
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Yeah. Grief sucks. I cry a lot. I'm not worried about moving forward in life yet. No big decisions to be made. I'm just here and this is my new abnormal.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-29313674811692722242017-12-19T04:33:00.000-08:002017-12-19T04:33:03.693-08:00Life UpdateThe college people are home from school for the semester and my son actually dropped out of school about two weeks before term ended. He is job hunting now. I'm not really worried about him. I trust he will find his way in life, and probably back to school when he has tasted the joys of manual labor...just perhaps not Berea. <br />
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Yesterday when I came in (after supper, in the evening) from a quick Walmart run, there was a small plumbing emergency happening in the kitchen: the head of the sprayer hose on the kitchen sink had come loose. Jamming back on was ineffective, since the water pressure kept pushing it off again. We used lots of towels. I finally shut off the water to the kitchen sink, and removed the hose. 10:30 pm saw me blearily wandering the hardware section of Walmart (it's right next door to my house...I walked) hunting for a kitchen sink hose/sprayer. Those don't exist at Walmart, so I will have to go to Lowe's or Home Depot today to get the parts for that fix. I don't mind fixing things, it's just that my day is already super busy. <br />
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Christmas: I suppose I should wrap stuff. Meh. Tree is up. I bought a turkey to cook. Meh. The only thing I'm looking forward to about Christmas is Church. <br />
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I miss healthy Wes. Grief is a strange thing and plays ugly tricks on the mind and emotions. Cancer took so much of Wes away from me before he was actually gone. I don't miss the cancer and what it did to him, and I don't miss some of the ways it changed his brain....but I miss HIM. Does that make sense? <br />
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Things are pretty much settled after the move. I have cleaners coming tomorrow to clean the townhome before I turn in the keys. I still have one or two things to do there before that happens, but all my stuff is out, and I'm grateful I don't have to spend a few days there cleaning. I can hardly stand to go over there. I just don't like it. <br />
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So that's my update. I've probably been slightly dehydrated since early October or late September when Wes had his big seizure and needed constant caregiving... and life has been non-stop no rest since then, too...so I am very run down and am taking measures to take better care of myself so that I'm not sick in bed for Christmas. I'm feeing fibromyalgia pains again and I've not had that in a very long time. I have some other auto-immune symptoms (including more hair loss, actually) and I'm trying to figure out if I'm eating something I'm allergic to, or sensitive to, or if it's just general stress causing the flare. <br />
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I want my life to slow down enough so that I have time and energy to work on some projects...sewing, writing maybe...something that moves me forward and is substantial, as opposed to the endless day to day cycle of life-basics-caregiving. Did I mention that there was good news from Social Security? Since Bethany is a disabled adult, she gets Wes' death benefits. And since I am her caregiver, so do I! Between us, we have a workable budget for our household.<br />
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Please add your prayers that my son, Eric, can get hired somewhere and that he can develop some friendships with people at Church. He also needs to start working on his driver's license. Ugh. I do not enjoy this single parenting solo gig. I mean, I do enjoy parenting...but I miss Wes. He was so steady and kind.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-51505337222614249982017-11-24T06:41:00.005-08:002017-11-24T06:42:23.678-08:00After The Weight is Lost: Holiday Edition (a poorly written rambly mess of an article). As many of you who know me on facebook know, I've lost "the weight". My adventure began on March 11, 2016 (or was it the 13th? I lost track) and since that time I've released almost 90 pounds, going from 2x/3x clothes to M clothes with a few items labeled S an a few things in L that I'm not letting go of yet.<br />
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It takes a new set of skills to lose weight and keep it off, and it takes consistent engagement with those skills and a commitment to keeping the lines in place.<br />
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I'll be open and say that my weight loss has been helped by joining Overeaters Anonymous, getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps and being "abstinent". But if I look at that process through an analytical eye, there are certain things I am doing that can either be done with a 12 step program, or elsewise. Recovery by any other name is just as sweet. Likewise, there are things that I am doing that are not specific to OA (OA doesn't make any comment on specific food plans and whatnot) which I think most people who are successfully losing weight and/or keeping it off do the same.<br />
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As with most things, I will take a systems theory approach to my analysis and the skill set I have acquired. My hope is that by breaking it down and sharing it with the world, it might help another human being.<br />
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So, the different components (modules, systems...pick your terminology) of weight loss are:<br />
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Physical...calories in/calories out. (honest: I didn't exercise while I was losing the majority of my weight. I lift weights now, twice a week, because I love it and I want to be strong. Unless I am climbing a mountain, I'm not that in to cardio...ymmv.)<br />
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Physiological: what type of calories are going in and how does YOUR body respond to them? (in other words: get off the sugar. Yes, you.)<br />
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Psychological/Spiritual/Relational: What is driving the overeating? How can this drive be released/reduced. Is your over eating driving a wedge between you and God? You and others? Are you over eating to numb your feelings or stuff them down and deny them, even to yourself? Are you controlling others (or attempting to control others)? Are you codependant, resentful, wounded?<br />
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The 12 Steps really really help to address the Psychological/Spiritual/Relational aspects of over eating, and I would highly recommend to anyone who struggles with this to dig in to those. Since this program is solid and it exists, I won't re-invent the wheel.<br />
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Surrender is VITAL. What happened to me on March 11, 2016? I DIED. I died to the cake, the pie, the bread the cookies. It was a spiritual work of God in my heart. That's the only way I can describe it. I died to the things that were my trigger foods that would lead me into over-eating. At long last I acknowledged that binge eating could be a series of micro-binges, and was not always the magnified dramatic type of binge that gets shown on TLC. Binge eating can be a series of cozy, comfortable habits that don't feel like a binge at all. Because a person can binge on "Just one"..."just one more...". Once I was able to be honest about MY habits and to see them for the excess that they were, instead of justifying myself and how I was eating, I was able to start recovery. I had to let go of trying to have my cake and eat it too....in this case, I had to let go of the cake. A wise friend pointed out to me one time that whenever I started a new diet, the first thing I did was figure out how to make cookies or brownies or cake within the parameters of that diet. I got really good at low carb baking, grain free baking, gluten free baking, baking, baking, baking.<br />
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I had to stop baking.<br />
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Ok, so lets look for a moment at the physical/physiological aspects of long term weight loss and maintenance and conclude with what that means for the holidays.<br />
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A good book that repeats some helpful information to consider is Bright Line Eating. There's nothing new there, and the author borrows heavily from OA concepts. I think what Bright Line Eating delivers is some clear guidelines about food quantities and types which OA does not address. I think those of us with more success in OA are the ones who find a food plan that is similarly strict, and that our definition of abstinence has some "bright lines". Mine does. It is not necessary (IMO) to pay money to join BLE when the same support can be got for free via OA. But if paying money helps you, then by all means, do it. I will say that, for me, the BLE food plan is too strict and restrictive. It would not be a "forever plan" for me. Not enough calories. But I am tall and muscular, and it IS enough calories for my more petite sisters. (The BLE food plan is somewhere in the 1450 calorie range. My own calorie needs have been more or less 1700 calories a day when I count them...some days a bit more, other days a bit less. The excess weight has come off gradually and in a healthy way...but looking back on the last 622 days, it seems an astonishingly fast transformation.)<br />
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So...the boundaries (bright lines, if you will)...defining abstinence....that is going to look similar and different for each person. My own personal lines are rather strict:<br />
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I don't eat sugar or artificial sweeteners except for Stevia and Truvia (a stevia/erythritol blend). No honey, no molasses, no maple syrup, no white sugar or brown sugar, no aspartame, no splenda...none of that...no coconut sugar or agave nectar. If I take a bite of something at coffee hour and it tastes sweet (why do they put sugar in salad? yes, it happens.) I pass on it.<br />
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I don't eat baked goods. No bread, no muffins, cakes, cookies, pies...nothing with that fluffy melt in your mouth mouth feel that these thing afford.<br />
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I do eat some gluten free pasta in measured quantities, and I do have corn tortillas from time to time at a restaurant. I don't eat corn chips because I have identified a tendency to munch...more on that later. I do occasionally have french fries if I am at a restaurant and I need a gluten free carb.<br />
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About the corn chips: I started out and they were on my OK list of foods, beside the corn tortillas and the potatoes. I was OK with them for a while and then they started creeping up on me and I wanted them more often than prudent. Another bright line I have is that I am utterly willing to let go of ANY FOOD that I see is becoming a problem food for me. Any food. It's just food. If I a desirous to over eat it, out it goes.<br />
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And no alcohol. It is a sugar, basically...and for me, it lowers my inhibitions enough to where I am face deep in a pile of food if I drink. "Don't mind, me, one more won't hurt a thing..."<br />
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Oh, I forgot to mention: I have food allergies. So, no gluten, no dairy, no peanuts, no tree nuts, no chocolate, no shrimp, no sunflower seeds. I carry an epi pen. yes, I do. So none of those things are on the table for me. I'll be honest: the food allergies help me avoid temptation.<br />
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But I do eat carbs: oatmeal, rice, the occasional corn tortilla, beans, fruit, potatoes, sweet potatoes. I am not on a low carb diet. In fact, I feel better when I have a balance of carbs, fat and protein. I low carbed for years and never lost the weight (was eating too many calories) and burned out my adrenals in the process.<br />
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I'm also not on a low fat diet, but I have learned that I have to measure my fats in order to keep my fat percentage around 35%. I was eating a lot more fat before, since I have a liberal hand when it comes to cooking and portions. So I have learned that even with measuring my fats, I still don't fall into the definition of "low fat"...<br />
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The other line I have is on portion sizes and weighing/measuring my food. I had to become willing to use my weighing and measuring tools consistently at first....and I am still willing to use them daily, and I do if I am at home. At this point, some days I count calories and some days I don't. On the days I count calories, I have a bit more flexibility on when I eat...sometimes I end up having some air popped popcorn in order to meet my calorie target at the end of the day. Sometimes I don't. Often those days consist of a series of tried and true meals for which I have already counted the calories in the past and I know they fall within my lines. On the days when I don't count calories, I still measure my protein (4 oz. serving), my fat (1/2 T. serving) and my carbs (1 cup rice, pasta or potato). On the no calorie counting days I have another strict rule: Three meals, no snacks. And at those meals, I eat my normal measured portions, no seconds. I MIGHT have a piece of fruit (included in my meal budget that I eat a bit before dinner to keep my blood sugar from tanking). I know myself well enough to know that I will always need to measure protein, fat and carb foods...the only time I don't measure them is when I am out at a restaurant. I will be honest and say that: The number of places I eat out is countable on about one hand, and I always order the same thing off the menu, so I've looked up the nutrition information on those meals in the past and I insert them into my day, eat and move on. It's about the fuel aspect of food. It's not really about the deliciousness, although it generally does taste good. I don't measure my vegetables strictly. I tend to eat a lot of vegetables to get my meal volume high enough to be satisfying. One cup of pasta and 4 ounces of meat is paltry. Add 2 cups of steamed veggies to that, and it's enough food.<br />
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When I'm at a Mexican restaurant and I'm waiting on my meal, it IS hard to not eat the corn chips, especially when I am very hungry, and if I were not very hungry I would not be there to eat a meal. But God gives strength.<br />
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So, if you have made it thus far through this rambly mess of a blog post, I want to address the holiday aspect of weight loss and weight maintenance. It IS possible to have a festive occasion, and even have special holiday foods without crossing the lines and making exceptions. I screamed like an angry toddler every day for a week when I was detoxing from sugar, and let me tell ya...I ain't doing that again. No thank you.<br />
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I do NOT miss the almost 90 pounds I've released. I do NOT want them to find me again. The pie is not worth it.<br />
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So, holidays: Meat...that's easy. Eat some meat. Turkey, roast, whatever. Have some. for my part, what would a holiday menu look like within the lines I have set: meat, rice seasoned with sage/onion/mushrooms, perhaps, or mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce made from scratch sweetened with stevia, pumpkin custard (the crust is a nope...but if you made something with a nut crust that might work if flour stuff is off your list), if you aren't allergic to dairy you could make a sugar free cheesecake...you have more options than I do. Cinnamon apples, kale salad, sauteed green beans...the possibilities for healthy side dishes are almost endless. Many traditional favorites CAN be re-imagined to fall inside your lines.<br />
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And so it's meal time, and I eat. I measure the potatoes, I measure the meat. I eat liberally of the veggies. I measure the apples. that is my dessert. I am full and I don't get seconds. And by the time supper comes, I am hungry and I can have another meal.<br />
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The day after Thanksgiving breakfast tradition of pie is replaced with putting some sugar fee cranberry sauce in my oatmeal instead of my usual banana. I add cinnamon. It is special.<br />
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There's a balance to be created between "this is just an ordinary day" and "this is a feasting day"... and it's possible to make special occasion dishes that fall within the parameters of one's food plan. Because, in the end...it's not about the food.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-19336691900172915232017-11-23T06:17:00.000-08:002017-11-23T06:17:05.983-08:00Thanksgiving DayWe got Wes' diagnosis the day before Thanksgiving in 2013. So yeah, this holiday is forever basically ruined for our family.<br />
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And he's only been gone 6.5 weeks, and so today is shitty shitty shitty shitty hard. <br />
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We are trying to ignore the holiday, but the work of ignoring it means there's an awareness and so it's actually impossible to ignore. You know how it goes. <br />
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Not cooking a Turkey (none of us LIKE Turkey enough for that). But people still gotta eat so there will be food, I suppose.<br />
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Going to see Thor this afternoon. We went and saw Justice League yesterday. This is a special form of torture for me, but I love my peeps, so I will do it.<br />
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Yeah, holidays are crummy for the bereaved. I didn't make it to Church this morning for Divine Liturgy because I couldn't muster the energy to climb over the steaming pile of my grief and: get dressed, say prayers, be hungry and go to Church. Not to mention being the energy force that supposedly gets the millenials up and out the door. Nope. Trying to learn to not do that.<br />
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My motto in life is: I don't control people.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-74164508985185306212017-11-08T19:21:00.002-08:002017-11-08T19:21:15.528-08:00Shock<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Very often I stand in my icon corner and I just wail at God: "He died!!!" </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Like I am in shock and astonished and dismayed and surprised that after all the anticipatory grief, the thing actually happened. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">The fact that it is so jarring has come as a surprise. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">"He died!!!" I cry. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">"He died!!!" </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">It is all so wrong.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-89445662456371151222017-11-07T19:21:00.001-08:002017-11-07T19:21:22.530-08:00Widowhood 101: Unclogging the SinkTonight the kitchen sink was clogged up with some herbal stuff that a certain someone decided to send down the garbage disposal. This device is NOT meant to deal with leaves, herbs and twigs...So I tried a snake, and I tried a plunger, to no avail. I had my hand all up in there, picking twigs and leaves out for a very long time... Then I decided to get radical and I took the pipes apart under the sink. And I removed the gunk. And then I put them back together. And then I had to do it a second time because there was more gunk I missed the first time. So I did.<br />
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I did this. Successfully. <br />
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I didn't call a plumber. <br />
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I didn't have to discuss with anyone what to do. <br />
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I didn't have anyone disagreeing with what I thought should be done. <br />
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I just saw what needed doing and did it, because that is now I am.<br /><br />I saved a bunch of money. <br />
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It is scary and awful to be alone, but unilateral decisions that turn out well....kinda nice.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25192475.post-39968751687037246222017-11-01T19:55:00.002-07:002017-11-01T19:55:34.461-07:00Sad Sack Report. I guess a couple of weeks have gone by in my sad sack life and I failed to update my blog. Everything is quiet and I'm supposed to be resting. ha. I was really sick and now I'm just run down and I can't dislodge a certain pile of congestion in my chest. <br />
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What, you ask, have I been up to day to day? Well, living peacefully with Bethany and making food in smaller quantities of highly nourishing variety. Today was lentil stew with spinach. I creamed it so she was able to eat the spinach without any textural challenges and we both liked it.<br />
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On Sunday evenings B and I have been driving down to Berea to have supper with the college people. That's always nice. I'm trying to let go of that sense of doom I have about whatever it is they are doing or not doing, and only worry about ME and my own repentance and let them carry their own selves, while still being a loving and supportive presence in their lives. It's hard to know how to be a mother of young adults. They don't come with a manual at this age, either.<br />
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Lots of paperwork when someone dies...so I have been running around doing paperworky stuff. Today was print off and fill out some forms for life insurance policy that Wes had through his job, and then take it and fax it and then mail a paper copy just in case. I also made a photocopy for my records because it seemed to me that that would be something Wes would have done and he was very good at the paperworky stuff.<br />
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I've signed up for medicaid for me and the kids. I've had long conversations with them trying to be supportive and encourage them in their depression and grief, to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've prayed a lot. I've been to church. I've gotten groceries. I've sewn a dress for myself just for fun, and started knitting a boring hat that no one needs.<br />
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Often, I run out of energy mid-way through the afternoon, and I have to go home and lie down. I've had some nights where I hardly slept, but the past two night have been good sleep. I have had some really bad dreams processing the cancer and Wes' death...trauma stuff. Next week I start seeing a hospice grief counselor...so that's good. I need that.<br />
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So, yeah...I'm a bit of a sad sack. Wiser heads than mine have commanded me to wait until January before I "do anything". Ok...January. <br />
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I have no idea what I'm doing. But tomorrow already has a small to do list waiting, of necessary tasks that must be done and I'm sure that by the time I do those things and deal with food and any errands B might need, the day will mostly be done, and the energy will certainly be used up. <br />
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And so one more day goes by... I cry a lot. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5