I guess a couple of weeks have gone by in my sad sack life and I failed to update my blog. Everything is quiet and I'm supposed to be resting. ha. I was really sick and now I'm just run down and I can't dislodge a certain pile of congestion in my chest.
What, you ask, have I been up to day to day? Well, living peacefully with Bethany and making food in smaller quantities of highly nourishing variety. Today was lentil stew with spinach. I creamed it so she was able to eat the spinach without any textural challenges and we both liked it.
On Sunday evenings B and I have been driving down to Berea to have supper with the college people. That's always nice. I'm trying to let go of that sense of doom I have about whatever it is they are doing or not doing, and only worry about ME and my own repentance and let them carry their own selves, while still being a loving and supportive presence in their lives. It's hard to know how to be a mother of young adults. They don't come with a manual at this age, either.
Lots of paperwork when someone dies...so I have been running around doing paperworky stuff. Today was print off and fill out some forms for life insurance policy that Wes had through his job, and then take it and fax it and then mail a paper copy just in case. I also made a photocopy for my records because it seemed to me that that would be something Wes would have done and he was very good at the paperworky stuff.
I've signed up for medicaid for me and the kids. I've had long conversations with them trying to be supportive and encourage them in their depression and grief, to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've prayed a lot. I've been to church. I've gotten groceries. I've sewn a dress for myself just for fun, and started knitting a boring hat that no one needs.
Often, I run out of energy mid-way through the afternoon, and I have to go home and lie down. I've had some nights where I hardly slept, but the past two night have been good sleep. I have had some really bad dreams processing the cancer and Wes' death...trauma stuff. Next week I start seeing a hospice grief counselor...so that's good. I need that.
So, yeah...I'm a bit of a sad sack. Wiser heads than mine have commanded me to wait until January before I "do anything". Ok...January.
I have no idea what I'm doing. But tomorrow already has a small to do list waiting, of necessary tasks that must be done and I'm sure that by the time I do those things and deal with food and any errands B might need, the day will mostly be done, and the energy will certainly be used up.
And so one more day goes by... I cry a lot.