Sunday, August 27, 2017

Superhuman

This is the time for laying down my life.

Yesterday we went to the park and I pushed him in the wheelchair on the paved walking path.  It was lovely weather, a lovely breeze and we had a very nice. time  For an hour or two I was actually not sad.

And then something hurtful was said,  the bubble burst and I had a good loud sobbing cry. We ate supper, and went to vespers.  Confession afterwards.

Church this morning was like being in a fog...or something.  That feeling in the pit of my stomach of fear, like I'm on a rollercoaster.  Just constant terror. I can't escape it.

A very quiet afternoon.  I spent some time writing letters to some pen pals and then I cooked a very very nice meatloaf supper.  We ate in front the TV watching Armageddon.  I wish a giant asteroid WOULD just hit us all.  Stop the pain. Might be nice.

Am contemplating the merits of a goth phase.  Am listening to very loud (headphones) Latino music which lyrics I understand not at all.

It's like my days are mostly alone, or running errands, interspersed with getting my feelings hurt by someone with zero filter.  Brain damage. I hate it.

The brain bleed goes on.  Everything has changed.

My only task is to lay down my life and serve.  And not get my feelings hurt.

And not get my feelings hurt.

And not get my feelings hurt.

I must be superhuman.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Blessed are Those Who Mourn

"...blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."  (Mt. 5:4)

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God." (2 Corinthians 1: 3-4)

These verses give me lots of strength and hope.  Or rather I should say the voice of God speaking to me through these verses strengthens me.

If you had to choose between being comfortable, or experiencing grief and loss but drawing closer to God in the process, which would you choose?

That's just something to ponder.  I do.

Sometimes I think God is merciful in that He doesn't give us the choice.  We tell Him that we want Him, even as we are completely tied up in our earthly lives and we have NO IDEA what we are asking for...but there's that inner spark of love for Christ, and we want God.

And so God begins to rip up apart, with our permission...but ripping nonetheless.

And in return for clay and ashes, God gives us Himself.

And in the end, the losses are not really losses at all (except that that they so are, paradoxically)...because we find ourselves in God and we find each other in God as well...

I say this as a broken woman in the throes of anticipatory grief who is losing her husband to cancer...

God be glorified.  that is all.


Thursday, August 24, 2017

Managing Social Media

I used to blog quite a lot, and when I got onto Facebook about ten thousand years ago, the new social media platform killed my writing on here.  I am purposing to change that, even though I know without a doubt that personal blogging is a bit...yesteryear.

I'm OK, with yesteryear.  The problem that I have run in to is that I have too many facebook friends whom I don't actually know in real life.  I like writing for people, but on facebook, I write as though I am writing to friends when in large part I am actually writing to strangers...and then I invite unwanted comment into my life because I am not editing myself as well as I should.  

On blogger, I know for a fact that I am writing to the whole entire universe, and I can edit my words accordingly.  And I can write with more focus, intention, and purpose.  

I want to share some of my thoughts and my writing with people, but I don't want to bare my soul to everyone. I hope I can write about more than just grief, but I don't know if I will be able to do that for a long time to come.  

Welcome to my new old blog.  I hope you follow me here.  I will be purging my friends list on facebook rather extensively.