Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Looking for the Good

I watched a video by Rivka Malka Pearlman this morning, and something she said really got me thinking:  She spoke of transition being a good thing!  And this, just after I have blogged about how the cancer journey feels like exile (SO NOT a good thing)...

but it challenged me, and I started to ponder...I should look for the good.  What good things have come about in my life due to Wes having Glioblastoma?

I'm not going to make a comprehensive list here, but I will share a few points.

For one thing, this diagnosis and fight has shown me how good Wes has always been to me.  What will I do without him?  He is precious.  Looming death makes me wake up to that fact.

Cancer has taught me that my faith is small, very small, and needs to grow bigger...and it has.

Cancer has taught me that I am surrounded by community.

Cancer has taught me that people are generous and giving...and that through them, I experience the faithfulness of God.

Cancer has shown me that I am not alone.

Cancer has shown me how many decisions in my life are based on fear.  I am learning to think differently and do differently and let go of the fear.  (see that bit above about small faith).

Cancer has spurred me to seek out help in getting my kids educated...much to my relief.

Cancer has pushed me to think about what do "I" want in life...to think in terms of career dreams, and hopes.  

Ok, so that is my beginning of looking for the good even in the midst of a great "bad".  I'm glad to be learning these lessons, but I would honestly rather not have had to learn them via my husband having brain cancer.  


Monday, February 09, 2015

...We Used to Sit and Weep at the Thought of Zion

So yesterday in Church we dusted off "On the Banks of the River of Babylon...".  Lent is soon here, and I have echoes of Bridegoom matins services already echoing through my head:  "Oh my soul, why are you slee-eeping?"

Except, I'm NOT...or at least I don't think I am.  Spiritual sleep is not the issue for me on this cancer journey.  Yes, all of life has become "the Cancer Journey".  It fills EVERYTHING.  It tinges every joy, it enhances every sorrow.

It feels like exile.

And  while I am in a better, more hopeful place than I was a year ago, when I felt like Wes would die any second, it is STILL exile. 

Today I am full of tears once again. 

I wonder if this is how the exiles felt?  Taken captive from their homeland, awakened and weeping at their loss.  At first, perhaps, it was with the looming certainty of death...but then time settles in and there's a new-not-so-great life to be lived...in exile. 

This cancer journey feels like exile.  And some days, I want to weep. 

Monday, February 02, 2015

Bill Doyle: Treating cancer with electric fields

This is the treatment that Wes is seeking next.  He met with the doctor today, and it looks like in 1-3 months he will be set up with this electrical field therapy device.  He will continue doing chemo as well, or now.  There's no official protocol for chemo at this point in his GBM....it is anybody's guess what to do. New science.  CUTTING. EDGE.  -

Sunday, February 01, 2015

Walking Into the Door Jamb of Repentance

So today we stared singing "Open to me the doors of repentance..." in Church.  The Lenten triodion has begun.  Am I ready?  Am I ever ready? 

I doubt it. 

In fact, when God opens to me the doors of repentance, I'm just as likely as not to walk straight into the door jamb.  That bruise you see in my forehead...

Because that is the very nature of repentance.  We pray for it, we ask for it "create in me a clean heart, O God..." and yet, in this life...

we fall down...

we get back up. 

we fall down....

we get back up. 

We pray "open to me the doors of repentance", and then we walk into the doorjamb and don't actually go THROUGH the door. 

I can think of all the ways I have gotten complacent.  I ponder the areas of my life about which I must cry out to God for mercy and say "purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean"....that, my friends, is a literal prayer for God to cleanse us of our shit.  That's what a "purge" is, and that is what the hyssop plant does.  It is a medicinal that is used for colon cleansing. 

So let's hope that this year, when we walk into the door jamb of repentance we will also trip on it and fall flat on our faces. 

Have mercy on me, O God....