seventh struggle is against the demon of self-esteem, a multiform and
subtle passion which is not readily perceived even by the person whom it
tempts. The provocations of the other passions are more apparent and it
is therefore somewhat easier to do battle with them, for the soul
recognizes its enemy and can repulse him at once by rebutting him and by
prayer. The vice of self-esteem, however, is difficult to fight
against, because it has many forms and appears in all our activities -
in our way of speaking, in what we say and in our silences, at work, in
vigils and fasts, in prayer and reading, in stillness and
long-suffering. Through all these it seeks to strike down the soldier of
Christ. When it cannot seduce a man with extravagant clothes, it tries
to tempt him by means of shabby ones. When it cannot flatter him with
honor, it inflates him by causing him to endure what seems to be
dishonor. When it cannot persuade him to feel proud of his display of
eloquence, it entices him through silence into thinking he has achieved
stillness. When it cannot puff him up with the thought of his luxurious
table, it lures him into fasting for the sake of praise. In short, every
task, every activity, gives this malicious demon a chance for battle." -- St. John Cassian
Perhaps a better translation of "self-esteem" would be vainglory, say some. But yes. This. My struggle. Forever.
My beloved husband, Wesley, fell asleep in the Lord tonight at 11:17 pm. He had valiantly been fighting grade 4 glioblastoma brain cancer for the past four years.
I am grateful that I got to be his wife. I am grateful for our kids. I am grateful for his faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I am grateful that he is no longer suffering this terrible illness that he had.
Wes is "actively dying". He has been sleeping almost non stop since last Monday night. Last food he took was last Tuesday morning, and that only a few bites. Only sips of water and now only sponges. I try to give him more but he won't take it.
Yesterday was his "rally" and he woke up. We had the kids fetched from their college and hugs all around. He received communion and many prayers were prayed.
Today he sleeps.
His body is showing definite symptoms of the death process. I won't go into details. You can google it, and if it is on the list, you can imagine it is happening here. This death thing is ugly and stinky and I hate it. And I have absolutely no control over how long or short it will take.
And I have absolutely no idea whether to send the kids back to college for a few days, or whether that would be superfluous and just require turning around to fetch them again.
I am not good at waiting. I have NEVER been good at waiting.