But that was years ago, and I'm over it. Really, I am. Because I HAVE been on an even keel lately, even if said keel includes those thirty extra pounds from several years ago.
But this post is not about weight loss. Really. I promise it is not. Keep reading.
I know that 2012 is going to be the year of changes for me. I can feel them coming. I can sniff the air and somehow, bone deep, I just know.
So, last year there as the mono, which still rises up and nips me gently in the tookus with spleen pain (yes I had the stupid thing ultra-sounded, no I'm not worried, it's just a "body signal" ya know?) whenever I over do it.
Then in the early fall, my new NP, who is perhaps the most effective medial person I've ever submitted myself to in my entire life, recommended the gluten free and casein free diet for me, to deal with leaky gut issues and while that helped my body aches and pain to miraculously disappear, and the thyroid meds she started me on are a lifeline of energy that my depleted body needs, more changes are needed still.
See, what I did when I suddenly had energy is that I went out and started working out. I wanted to get a head start on this "new me" stuff, and we all know exercise is the way to do it. I do love me some dumbbells. So I started back into lifting weights...and running.
Crash and burn, baby! That's what I did. Then I got slammed and had. no. energy....again.
What is UP with my sorry self?
So then my very competent NP explains to me about Adrenal Fatigue. Ah yes. Every time I work out, I'm putting my body in "fight or flight" mode, and stressing my adrenals, which, in case you did not know...she tells me...are utterly depleted, kaput, and (as I would have said as a young child) "gone gone"!
And the gluten free thing? Well, I was still having...well, suffice it to say, she's put me on the GAPS diet.
I've known about the GAPS diet for years. Yes, I've read all about it. I'm now re-reading all about it. The GAPS diet, my conscience has told me, is just what I need. I have known this long before I even acknowledged to myself how messed up my body is. I just haven't had the energy or fortitude to get on it.
So, doctors orders...All my new found energy must be channeled towards making bone broth and fermenting vegetables and avoiding starches like the plague, and filtering my water, and eating soup. Soup. More soup.
I know that's just the intro part of the GAPS diet. Once it settles in, there's more to it and it's very similar to the whole ueber-popular paleo trend going around right now. I can deal with it...
Oh, and I'm not ALLOWED to get my heart rate up very much. I'm not supposed to EXERCISE hard (gentle walking, stretching is OK) and by no means am I to "diet to lose weight".
Isn't it ironic?
But back the the adrenals thing: I realized, I AM the ADRENALINE QUEEN. That's how I function. That's how I operate. It's probably a survival mechanism...have no energy (thanks to gluten-intolerance induced autoimmune hypothyroidism) so how do I GET energy to do ANYTHING???? I get myself worked up in order to get an adrenaline rush (could be about anything...it is...about everything) and then I get-r-done. And then I crash and people take care of me. lather rinse, repeat. I explained this dynamic to my husband-who-loves-me-in-spite-of-this-crap, and he said "This explains your entire personality." "Yes, it does", I say with slightly narrowed eyes and chagrin.
This is SUCH an unhealthy dynamic. (I'm exposing myself on a BLOG that strangers all over the world read, and I'm putting my worst flawed self out there and it's not so comfortable this time.) And I MUST change. There MUST be a "new me". A new way of living. In order to heal my physical self, my personality will have to change.
But this, I am incapable of orchestrating on my own. Lord have mercy!
And the only way I can figure forward through this learning and change is in prayer...the desperate "Holy Mother of God save me!" type of prayer. I have an icon of Jesus pulling Peter out of the wind and the waves and "Jesus Save me" has become my "mantra" ever since Father told me to use that prayer whenever I get stressed about my weight (which is a constant ever present worry-drone obsession in the back of my head that has been with me since about the age of 13 or so, that pushes itself to my conscious thoughts only a million times a day...). That was last fall, just a few weeks before the layers of the onion that is my ill health started getting ripped away. And I KNOW there is a connection.
So...that's my way forward into 2012. Here's a quote that really blessed my heart this morning, and it really fits in with my thoughts:
"The Lord has taken all our sufferings and cares upon Himself, and He has said that He will provide for all our needs, yet we hold on to our cares so tightly that we create unrest in our hearts and minds, in our families, and all around us.
"Whenever I am burdened by problems, and when I try to bear all the cares of the monastery and the brotherhood by myself, then there is trouble in store for m...e and the brethren. Even the easiest job is carried out with great difficulty. But when I commit myself, the brotherhood, and everything else unto the Lord, even the hardest of jobs gets done with ease. There is no pressure, and peace reigns among the brethren."
-- Elder Thaddaeus of Vitovnica