Lately, I've been suffering from lots of fatigue. I HATE that. I want to be busy, and get things done. Instead, I am exhausted. During the week, I force myself to get things done anyways, because various kids may have appointments, I don't have another adult to help me, necessity demands it.
And then the weekend comes, and I crash.
And what often happens, is that I get to Saturday evening, or Sunday morning and I simply don't have the energy to go to Church.
And I HATE that. Yes, I realize the inconsistency. I realize the fact that I somehow dig deep and find a way to do all the other stuff, and then not attend Church? How horrible.
I think it's really a matter of rhythm and degree. Like, I push and push and push, and after about five days of pushing, I just don't have it in me to push any more. And the cycle continues.
Next week I don't have as much running around/appointments to do, and I'm glad about that. Hopefully I can take care of whatever it is that is going wrong in my body better, and have energy next weekend. Perhaps there will be a mid-week liturgy I can manage to attend. Perhaps.
Yesterday evening, I crawled into bed and put on a tape of the Psalms. I listened to that for a while, and stared at an icon of Jesus, while the rest of the family went to vespers. I drifted off to sleep for a few minutes, and when I woke up, I really did feel a bit better...so a came out to the living room and found a Lecture by Fr. Thomas Hopko on Ancient Faith Radio to stream while I knitted a sock.
Wes brought Pizza home for supper and B made herself a GAPS pizza. I was that tired. And there's the irony. What I really needed was a meat broth and vegetable soup, or something similarly nutritious. What I got was a cheese pizza.
I did get to bed early. Woke up this morning with all-over-body aches and more exhaustion. So I decided to see if eating a bit would give me the energy to get to Church. It did not. So, home I stayed. B stayed with me because she wasn't feeling well either. So we listened to the Fr. Hopko lecture again (I wanted her to hear it) and I added a bunch to my blogroll, while cleaning up my bookmarks file.
I think I'm entering into a season of battling fatigue again. And I don't really understand why except that I was sort of off the guai protocol because I got distracted from it during the move and adjustment to living in a new town, and now it has caught up with me. Having that (the energy which I was starting to take for granted) stripped from me, and now again being off the Guaifenesin Protocol temporarily while I work on my peridontal disease with medical mouthwash that blocks the guaifenesin's effectiveness, knowing it will make the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue worse, not better, is a real blow.
I have to surrender it to God. I must. I pray for healing, but it seems that my body is just a cross to bear and no matter what I try or how much I try to improve my habits, lifestyle, choises...nothing ever changes, and nothing ever helps. And I keep bumping up against my own physical limitations and find that I can't get past them.
I really want to find peace, joy and contentment in all of this. God have mercy on me.