Sunday, August 30, 2009

Thoughts on Staying Home From Church when Ill

Lately, I've been suffering from lots of fatigue. I HATE that. I want to be busy, and get things done. Instead, I am exhausted. During the week, I force myself to get things done anyways, because various kids may have appointments, I don't have another adult to help me, necessity demands it.

And then the weekend comes, and I crash.

And what often happens, is that I get to Saturday evening, or Sunday morning and I simply don't have the energy to go to Church.

And I HATE that. Yes, I realize the inconsistency. I realize the fact that I somehow dig deep and find a way to do all the other stuff, and then not attend Church? How horrible.

I think it's really a matter of rhythm and degree. Like, I push and push and push, and after about five days of pushing, I just don't have it in me to push any more. And the cycle continues.

Next week I don't have as much running around/appointments to do, and I'm glad about that. Hopefully I can take care of whatever it is that is going wrong in my body better, and have energy next weekend. Perhaps there will be a mid-week liturgy I can manage to attend. Perhaps.

Yesterday evening, I crawled into bed and put on a tape of the Psalms. I listened to that for a while, and stared at an icon of Jesus, while the rest of the family went to vespers. I drifted off to sleep for a few minutes, and when I woke up, I really did feel a bit better...so a came out to the living room and found a Lecture by Fr. Thomas Hopko on Ancient Faith Radio to stream while I knitted a sock.

Wes brought Pizza home for supper and B made herself a GAPS pizza. I was that tired. And there's the irony. What I really needed was a meat broth and vegetable soup, or something similarly nutritious. What I got was a cheese pizza.

I did get to bed early. Woke up this morning with all-over-body aches and more exhaustion. So I decided to see if eating a bit would give me the energy to get to Church. It did not. So, home I stayed. B stayed with me because she wasn't feeling well either. So we listened to the Fr. Hopko lecture again (I wanted her to hear it) and I added a bunch to my blogroll, while cleaning up my bookmarks file.

I think I'm entering into a season of battling fatigue again. And I don't really understand why except that I was sort of off the guai protocol because I got distracted from it during the move and adjustment to living in a new town, and now it has caught up with me. Having that (the energy which I was starting to take for granted) stripped from me, and now again being off the Guaifenesin Protocol temporarily while I work on my peridontal disease with medical mouthwash that blocks the guaifenesin's effectiveness, knowing it will make the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue worse, not better, is a real blow.

I have to surrender it to God. I must. I pray for healing, but it seems that my body is just a cross to bear and no matter what I try or how much I try to improve my habits, lifestyle, choises...nothing ever changes, and nothing ever helps. And I keep bumping up against my own physical limitations and find that I can't get past them.

I really want to find peace, joy and contentment in all of this. God have mercy on me.

5 comments:

Marigold said...

Oh man! I had a rough day at church and you have no idea how much better I feel knowing that I'm not the only one struggling. We're in this together - my thoughts are with you!

x Marigold.

elizabeth said...

Yeah. This is hard. Your week sounded incredibly exhausting - all those appointments, some of them also sounded emotionally exhausting as well.

It is hard to feel this way and to never know when your body is doing what. My love and small prayers.

Mimi said...

Oh hon, hugs and huge amounts of love.
Is your priest able to come visit you? I know we have a woman with a chronic illness that keeps her from morning church attendance, and our priest will often visit her.

Derek said...

I'll be praying for you today. There's definitely a point where we just push ourselves too much to really muster the strength to stand before God in worship. I missed seeing you. It's important to get the necessary rest when you're ill; otherwise, it really does become a cycle and can't correct itself.

Please don't hesitate to call on me or Abbi or the Craigs (I think I know them well enough to speak for them) if you need something. We're all able and willing.

Anonymous said...

I sympathize. I didn't make it to liturgy on Sat. morning as I was sick and I tend to crash on the weekends too. It IS hard to even force myself to do normal everyday routines, as well. .