I'm just really struggling with depression right now/lately. Adjusting to living in a new town, even though we love it, doesn't help. Any change is hard and joy is counterbalanced by loss and grief. And it's the holidays.
Do I need medication? I don't know. I don't want to need it. There are always unpleasant side effects, and the cost. I'd rather spend the health savings account money on the kids. Depression is an on-going problem in my life and I'm rather ashamed of it. I ask God for help. More tears this morning. I'm horrible about staying on my meds when I am on meds, because of the side effects. They make me dizzy...horribly dizzy. At least Welbutrin does. Other meds have other effects. Blech.
For one thing, I hate winter. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder because I always get like this at this time of year. Long term readers of my blogs know this. Forgive me.
I'd love to go walking but when it's eight degrees outside, those walks would have to be short.
I really want to be a joyful person. I really want to be a grateful person, but all the joy and gratitude feels like it's on the surface, and underneath is just this huge pit of pain and angst and sadness in my brain and belly.
My thoughts tend to obsess about certain things like my weight, or what to wear and I get on these obsessive loops of despair. Most of my clothes are black, brown, gray and beige and I wonder if this is a symptom or a cause or just part of the cycle. Rather than looking "New Yorky" with those drab colors, I end up looking frumpy and depressed...because I am.
So, a random list of things I'm grateful for:
My sweet children.
The fact that I got to see my dad last week, who lives nine hours away.
My new nephew, born last week.
My husband, who is wonderful even when I don't deserve him to be.
My new apartment and the fact that it's big and is easy to keep clean.
New friends and old.
The adventure of getting to know a new city.
The wonderful pediatician we found last week who is very knowledgeable about Autism spectrum issues.
My sewing machine (I'm dying to get it out and sew something soon.)
I'm happy that I learned how to make Artisan bread this past year, that it's easy and just like the bread I used to get from the bakery in Switzerland.
I'm grateful for the internet.
I'm grateful for those big boxes of frozen bonrless catfish pieces you can buy at the Walmart grocery.
I'm grateful for the chance to go to St. Athanasius Orthodox Church yesterday, but also grateful that I missed St. Michael's a little bit (our new parish).
Anyways, does anyone else struggle with depression?