I asked my husband last night:

"Do you think I might be depressed?"
"How about you, you said the other day that you think you are depressed, too. But you seem so chipper about it."
"Yeah, well..."
"I think I started on December 1 when B went into the hospitial. So how long have you been depressed?"
"Since 1994 when my parents died. I'm used to it. And this feels the same."

That was an enlightening conversation. But I've got to take care of myself. And I don't really want to go out and get me some Wellbutrin or anything like that. I just don't. Not yet, anyways.

So there's this dark cloud, and I literally have to force myself to do everything. I'd rather just curl up in a blanket and stay in bed all day. But I won't.

I do find that when I get depressed, the housework suffers a bit. I think the kids have been picking up some slack, because I have not washed dishes in days, and yet they keep getting washed.

And another symptom: I cut my own hair. That ALWAYS happens when I get depressed. What is THAT about?

So, what's my plan? I suppose I just forge ahead with the "must do" items, and find solace in prayer. Perhaps I should create an imaginary therapist friend in my head to help me through some of the issues that I've got going on. It's cheaper than actually paying a real therapist, and sometimes just as effective....bwahahaha.

So, I watch what I eat, say my prayers, get exercise each day, wait for the sun to come back, and try not to get enmeshed with my very needy daughter, drink lots of water, avoid abusable substances, try and be kind to everyone I meet, and wait for the dark cloud to lift.



Laura said…
My husband was just diagnosed in November with "chronic profound depression." He didn't get out of bed some days, at least not until late in the day. The medication did make all the difference and so did the therapy. We found an orthodox therapist who generously pro-rated her fee to one we could afford.

Maybe you don't need the medicine, but maybe your priest knows of someone at least you could talk to. I'm sure it's quite normal to be depressed when one of your children is going through such a difficult (and that's an understatement, I know) trial. But please make sure that you get what you need too. If that means a little medicine to get you over a rough patch, so be it.

You don't have to publish this are in our prayers. We're pulling for you here in MD. God be with you...I wish there was more I could do for you!
elizabeth said…
hang in there. sounds like you know some things to do; will pray for you again this day.
Ishmael said…
We work out our salvation through community, family and friends. It's been my experience that we work out our sorrow through community too.
A few years back, I was going through a rough time in my life. Fortunately, I was blessed with a truly amazing group of friends who not only sustained me but actually made three difficult years into three of the best years of my life.
That being said, my suggestion is to keep talking -- keep writing; keep connected with people. In the end, it is love that pulls us through these times, and even transforms them into something golden.
It sounds like you've got a lot of good people praying for you. I'm not really good (this smacks of false humility, doesn't it? But that just makes my point about me not being good ;), but I'll pray for you too.
Philippa said…
I completely understand. Check out Fr. George Morelli's writing on depression. I'll see if I can find the link. They were helpful to me. He is a Ph.D. and psychologist.
Philippa said…
Found it! May it be a blessing. I have written to Fr. Morelli privately and he even spoke to me on the phone. Perhaps you could try to also.
Alana said…
Thank you all.

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