Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Mustard Seed Living


One of the biggest temptations that I have been facing lately is the temptation towards dissatisfaction. People whom I consider my peers, both IRL and in the blogosphere are just so much "more" than I am. More out there, more significant, more successful, more special, more involved at whatever. And here I am. Nowhere to go. No car to go nowhere in. Very much alone.

And it is a really hard thing to really embrace where God has put me during these days of my life. There is this stillness. The stillness was a gift when I was more sick than I am now. It is still a gift, but the bonds are chafing a little bit. But the fact is, I do wonder if I even COULD do more. Probably not.

And its such a sin to compare myself with others. For one thing, I always come up on the loosing end of the comparison. I've not started any businesses. I've not gotten paid to write articles. I've not started any great novel (I humbly realize that I do not have what it takes to write more than a blog, a few songs, and a poem now and then.) I have not even achieved my weight loss goals. If I look at myself from an outward or worldly perspective, I'm pretty darned unsuccessful. Stymied just by being me. Can't ever stick with anything long enough to finish.

And even personal goals that I've publicly announced here on this blog, such as my grand housekeeping schedule (nice in theory!) or my decision NOT to drink coffee anymore or my attempts to loose weight...all gone by the wayside. I even struggle each day sometimes to do the necessary things, like pray. And I certainly can't do much of anything with my hair! My whole life feels like the journey up and up and before reaching any goals, a slippery slide back down again.

But it's quiet down here at the bottom of the mountain. There is simplicity here at the bottom of the mountain. Here is humility. Sounds like the Kingdom of God. Sounds like a "blessed are...", or perhaps a mustard seed. I think I tested allergic to mustard seeds, actually. Just my luck.

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